What follows are things I have read or heard this week. I believe they could be true. However, this is not for the faint of heart, so if you're the type who gets queasy when pulling a greasy hairball from the shower drain, you might want to stop reading now. You've been warned.
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A co-worker (we'll call her Keanette Jlemin to protect what little innocence she has left) stopped at the local car wash in her hometown recently and discovered a man washing his car. He was wearing only a pair of Speedos. Since that day, fellow co-workers have observed that Keanette's vehicle has been washed every day. Apparently she has taken a new interest in car care.
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Kenette's other experience for the week was the discovery of a man, passed out in the parking lot of a small grocery store in her hometown. He was naked from the waist down. And there was a bag of partially used marijuana next to him. Co-workers report that Kenette was greatly relieved to discover that she was the first on the scene, because it was a family member. She was able to salvage the contents of the bag and hide it before authorities arrived, which was a double bonus: no drug arrest and she could check his name off her Christmas gift list since she now had a gift for him.
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Apparently, the "green" movement has some radical followers including those that conserve water by saving their shower water, boiling it and wash their dishes with it. One person commented that an alternative to this dish washing approach is to use the water from any second flush you might do. Another person followed up with a comment that both of these methods of dish washing could be avoided by simply having a golden retriever in the house.
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Irish Humor:
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar (Hey, it could happen!!!)
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Delicious Christmas Cookie Recipe
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts (your choice)
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle of Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp of sugar...beat again.
At this point, it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still fresh, try another cup...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the blasted fruit off the floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt...or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!
Friday Levity 2008.12.12
For those who share a commute to work with someone, you know that the level of complexity, and the need for logistics, are dramatically increased, typically in direct proportion to the number of people sharing the commute. However, if you are lucky enough to share a commute with your spouse, the complexity and logistics are at a much different level. A higher level. A level where there is danger around every corner (no pun intended). A level which has populated the infamous "doghouse"for centuries. Quite frankly, ANY type of commute with a spouse and/or family members requires much diligence on the male's part, to avoid an extended stay in the doghouse.
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I typically do not commute with MrsT but I did one day this week. And, I'm in the doghouse. It's actually Wal-Mart's fault , because she's very familiar with the store layout and she was in a hurry and she knew where everything is at WalMart (as she should since she is there so often!). But, alas, I've gotten ahead of myself. Let me backup and explain.
.
I didn't know we were going Wal-Mart until we were already on the road. We were already running late, but I was making good progress in overcoming the deficit. It was then that she informed me that she needed to get some medicine for her cold. I was okay with that. Like, let's get real, how was I going to argue with that??? As I pulled into the WalGreens parking lot, I suggested that we stop there since it has convenient parking by the front door and it was right on the way. MrsT informed me that she not only needed some medicine but also needed a holiday ornament for the gift exchange at her work holiday party, which, we would BOTH be attending that night (I'm come to the conclusion that a holiday work party is second only to a family reunion for the number of people you don't know and quite frankly, people you probably don't want to know). A holiday party that I had previously been told about, and which I been told I would be attending, but I had sort of forgotten about. So, here I am, running late for work, and NOW, I'm pulling out of the Walgreens parking lot, heading for Wal-Mart at 6:30am in the morning! To shop for holiday ornaments!!! If my 4 cylinder Honda Accord could have burned rubber, I probably would have done it! But instead, I had to settle for running through all five gears of my manual transmission within 5 seconds and 50 feet of the Walgreens parking lot. I rationalized to myself that I was driving so fast because a car almost ran over me from behind when I pulled out in front of it.
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Unfortunately (for me), on the drive to Wal-Mart, I may have said a few things which were not in the holiday spirit. I seem to recall that I told her I was NOT going to participate in a gift exchange for stupid ornaments when we already had a tree full of ornaments! And I know I said some other things, but I can't recall them. I'm sure Mrs.T could give you the details of each and every thing I said. And you could ask her twenty years from now, and you would still receive that same level of detail.
.
Obviously, it was a time when I should have just kept quiet and drove the car. Actually, I should probably always just keep quiet and drive. And, if you combine all of this tension with her not feeling well, well, suffice to say, after the shopping was done, the remaining, but short commute to her workplace, was a frigid one. The door on my car might not ever be the same. I think it would be fair to say that she shut the car door with more gusto than normal, as she exited the car. But, hey, perhaps she was just pumped up and was excited about getting to work and she will forget the entire episode. I choose to believe that. It gives me hope and it makes my time in doghouse pass more quickly…
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.
Some subject lines from Junk Mail received recently:
Triple-strength fat eraser!
Flush up to 20 excess pounds from your body!
Real Estate in Costa Rica
Become a Psychologist Online!
Your Psychology Degree is Ready!
Term Life insurance with no exam
Tired of the bar scene?
Need a Checking Account?
Dumb and poor? Here's a way to make money!
.
.
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n'Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chicah Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
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.
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED...
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - - - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
.
I typically do not commute with MrsT but I did one day this week. And, I'm in the doghouse. It's actually Wal-Mart's fault , because she's very familiar with the store layout and she was in a hurry and she knew where everything is at WalMart (as she should since she is there so often!). But, alas, I've gotten ahead of myself. Let me backup and explain.
.
I didn't know we were going Wal-Mart until we were already on the road. We were already running late, but I was making good progress in overcoming the deficit. It was then that she informed me that she needed to get some medicine for her cold. I was okay with that. Like, let's get real, how was I going to argue with that??? As I pulled into the WalGreens parking lot, I suggested that we stop there since it has convenient parking by the front door and it was right on the way. MrsT informed me that she not only needed some medicine but also needed a holiday ornament for the gift exchange at her work holiday party, which, we would BOTH be attending that night (I'm come to the conclusion that a holiday work party is second only to a family reunion for the number of people you don't know and quite frankly, people you probably don't want to know). A holiday party that I had previously been told about, and which I been told I would be attending, but I had sort of forgotten about. So, here I am, running late for work, and NOW, I'm pulling out of the Walgreens parking lot, heading for Wal-Mart at 6:30am in the morning! To shop for holiday ornaments!!! If my 4 cylinder Honda Accord could have burned rubber, I probably would have done it! But instead, I had to settle for running through all five gears of my manual transmission within 5 seconds and 50 feet of the Walgreens parking lot. I rationalized to myself that I was driving so fast because a car almost ran over me from behind when I pulled out in front of it.
.
Unfortunately (for me), on the drive to Wal-Mart, I may have said a few things which were not in the holiday spirit. I seem to recall that I told her I was NOT going to participate in a gift exchange for stupid ornaments when we already had a tree full of ornaments! And I know I said some other things, but I can't recall them. I'm sure Mrs.T could give you the details of each and every thing I said. And you could ask her twenty years from now, and you would still receive that same level of detail.
.
Obviously, it was a time when I should have just kept quiet and drove the car. Actually, I should probably always just keep quiet and drive. And, if you combine all of this tension with her not feeling well, well, suffice to say, after the shopping was done, the remaining, but short commute to her workplace, was a frigid one. The door on my car might not ever be the same. I think it would be fair to say that she shut the car door with more gusto than normal, as she exited the car. But, hey, perhaps she was just pumped up and was excited about getting to work and she will forget the entire episode. I choose to believe that. It gives me hope and it makes my time in doghouse pass more quickly…
.
.
Some subject lines from Junk Mail received recently:
Triple-strength fat eraser!
Flush up to 20 excess pounds from your body!
Real Estate in Costa Rica
Become a Psychologist Online!
Your Psychology Degree is Ready!
Term Life insurance with no exam
Tired of the bar scene?
Need a Checking Account?
Dumb and poor? Here's a way to make money!
.
.
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n'Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chicah Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
.
.
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED...
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - - - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Friday Levity 2008.12.05
I went shopping on "Black Friday" with MrsT. And I went again the next day. I refer to it as "Black as Pitch Saturday". Apparently, MrsT felt it was her patriotic duty to personally stimulate the economy's recovery. And several major department stores have her to thank for being their being in the black. As per usual, my role was to speak if spoken to, offer no opinions unless asked and most importantly, take her purchases out to the car. But, on the bright side, I also got to do one of my favorite past times: "people watching at the mall". Wowzer. The human species never ceases to amaze me. We surely do come in all makes and models. One notable teenager had more hardware attached and embedded in his face that I had ever seen before. Ugly silver and gold rings pierced into his eyebrows, nose, lips, ears. It looked as if he had somehow survived a head on crash with the jewelry counter at the local pawn shop. I wouldn't want to know what else he had pierced. Thankfully the rest of his body was covered with an ugly black trench coat, baggy black clothes and it was all accessorized with a large assortment of silver dog chains and a greasy stocking cap. There might be better words to describe it all, but two come to mind: "troubling and disturbing". He didn't stop to chat and I doubt he would have wanted my objective opinion anyway. I also took this time of observing and reflection to work on my 2009 resolutions. I have three so far:
1) I would like lose weight so I can once again shop in the "Classic Fit" section for jeans instead of the "Relaxed Fit" section.
2) I'd like to be able to wear boot cut jeans again. Right now, my calf won't fit through the leg openings (this is commonly referred to as "Roller Syndrome").
3) I would like to be able to once again wear a tapered dress shirt. I was bored, so I went into a nice department store and tried one on. However, and despite several attempts, I could not get the shirt to stay down, over my belly. Instead, it looked like a long sleeved tube top. I'm sure most of you find this to be a very disturbing visual. Be assured that it's not nearly as disturbing as actually being in a tiny dressing room with a full length mirror and personally witnessing it…
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"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
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Observations
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Real Newspaper Ads
Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
Wanted: Used paint.
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Never tickled.
1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.
Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Great Dames for sale.
Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
1) I would like lose weight so I can once again shop in the "Classic Fit" section for jeans instead of the "Relaxed Fit" section.
2) I'd like to be able to wear boot cut jeans again. Right now, my calf won't fit through the leg openings (this is commonly referred to as "Roller Syndrome").
3) I would like to be able to once again wear a tapered dress shirt. I was bored, so I went into a nice department store and tried one on. However, and despite several attempts, I could not get the shirt to stay down, over my belly. Instead, it looked like a long sleeved tube top. I'm sure most of you find this to be a very disturbing visual. Be assured that it's not nearly as disturbing as actually being in a tiny dressing room with a full length mirror and personally witnessing it…
.
.
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
.
.
Observations
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Real Newspaper Ads
Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
Wanted: Used paint.
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Never tickled.
1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.
Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Great Dames for sale.
Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
Friday Levity 2008.11.21
Potato Chips. Another nemesis. I can't eat just one, unless there was only one in the bag when I started. In my opinion, a single chip left in the bag is one of life's gravest social blunders. Quite frankly, there can only be two acceptable excuses for leaving a single chip in the bag: You fell asleep or you passed out.
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I often use chips as an appetizer while waiting for Mrs.T to cook my supper. If she doesn't like me eating them as an appetizer, she should cook faster. I also have chips as an early evening snack. And for a late evening snack. And, sometimes, a middle of the night snack. MrsT doesn't like it me eating chips because she thinks they raise my blood pressure. I've tried hinting to her that it isn't the chips that raising my blood pressure. I have come to the conclusion what our society needs a new law, requiring that all jewelry stores prominently display a sign next to the engagement/wedding rings: "Permanently increases blood pressure in the male species". The high blood pressure begins with the discussion of a ring, it continues through the process of shopping for the ring and then continues through the process of paying for the ring. And, quite frankly, you never stop paying for that ring...
.
.
Seen in the classifieds:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bugger. Bites!
FREE ; ; ;PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able
to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG . Looks like a rat . Been out a while. Better be
a big reward!
COWS,CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDICTRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie .
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything
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Several years ago, when I lived in Nigeria, I was once pulled over in Lagos by a large and very irate traffic cop.
“What color am I ?” he demanded.
I stammered in embarrassment, and mumbled something like, “Black” or “Dark Brown”.
“No I am not,” he cried, without a hint of humor.
“When I am like this” - and he raised his right palm above his head - “I am red”.
And then, waving his palm backwards over his shoulder, he added, “and when I am like this I am green.”
“Do not drive past me again when I am red!!!”
.
.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, your favorite drink in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
.
.
A Friday Riddle:
Q: What is 40 years old, in denial, glares at you when threatened, glares at you when not threatened, stomps its feet when mad, stomps it feet when demanding your attention, threatens you when cornered, threatens you when not cornered and is continually using postures and gestures in an attempt to make itself appear taller than it will never be?
A: My co-worker Rhonda in Human Resources has the answer to this riddle. And while you're there, wish her a happy birthday (Nov 26).
.
.
I often use chips as an appetizer while waiting for Mrs.T to cook my supper. If she doesn't like me eating them as an appetizer, she should cook faster. I also have chips as an early evening snack. And for a late evening snack. And, sometimes, a middle of the night snack. MrsT doesn't like it me eating chips because she thinks they raise my blood pressure. I've tried hinting to her that it isn't the chips that raising my blood pressure. I have come to the conclusion what our society needs a new law, requiring that all jewelry stores prominently display a sign next to the engagement/wedding rings: "Permanently increases blood pressure in the male species". The high blood pressure begins with the discussion of a ring, it continues through the process of shopping for the ring and then continues through the process of paying for the ring. And, quite frankly, you never stop paying for that ring...
.
.
Seen in the classifieds:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bugger. Bites!
FREE ; ; ;PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able
to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG . Looks like a rat . Been out a while. Better be
a big reward!
COWS,CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDICTRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie .
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything
.
.
Several years ago, when I lived in Nigeria, I was once pulled over in Lagos by a large and very irate traffic cop.
“What color am I ?” he demanded.
I stammered in embarrassment, and mumbled something like, “Black” or “Dark Brown”.
“No I am not,” he cried, without a hint of humor.
“When I am like this” - and he raised his right palm above his head - “I am red”.
And then, waving his palm backwards over his shoulder, he added, “and when I am like this I am green.”
“Do not drive past me again when I am red!!!”
.
.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, your favorite drink in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
.
.
A Friday Riddle:
Q: What is 40 years old, in denial, glares at you when threatened, glares at you when not threatened, stomps its feet when mad, stomps it feet when demanding your attention, threatens you when cornered, threatens you when not cornered and is continually using postures and gestures in an attempt to make itself appear taller than it will never be?
A: My co-worker Rhonda in Human Resources has the answer to this riddle. And while you're there, wish her a happy birthday (Nov 26).
.
Friday Levity 2008.11.14
I have a nemesis. Well, okay, as you might suspect, I have many. But one in particular will probably haunt me the rest of my life: Lids on containers. Especially lids on containers in the refrigerator. And most especially, lids which screw on. My entire family accuses me of NEVER replacing lids correctly. I personally suspect that my children intentionally leave lids loose, just to watch me get in trouble with MrsT. I will be the first to admit that I perhaps have not put a lid back on...once…MAYBE twice…but is it fair that I get the blame EVERY time? Recently, a jar of pickles overturned in the refrigerator, but it wasn't discovered for awhile because it was WAY in the back behind all the leftovers and it apparently leaked very slowly. Ha! The lid was MOSTLY on! Thus, IF I were actually guilty of this incident, then I should have gotten some credit! Ultimately, there was pickle juice from top to bottom in the refrigerator, including those silly drawers at the bottom which hold healthful stuff that we never eat anyway. It was also ruled that I was at fault for placing the jar on the top shelf, instead of in the door where it belonged. Did I do it? I can't recall. Old age is the pits because I can seldom defend myself because I can seldom remember anything. In these kangaroo trials, I typically have hecklers (my children and their insignificant others) who enjoy observing the judge (MrsT) deliver a swift, immediate and guilty verdict. Seriously, what is the big deal about some pickle juice in the refrigerator? I personally thought it was very pleasing to the senses to open the door and have the smell of dill pickles wafting out…
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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.
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"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak - now you say, "Control Freak who?"
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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
.
.
.
"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak - now you say, "Control Freak who?"
.
.
.
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Friday Levity 2008.11.07
I was headed out one evening to take a walk and as per usual, MrsT wanted to go with me. She always wants to go with me. Go figure. I like to think it's because she's crazy about me. Realistically, she's probably just crazy. I waited impatiently while she put on her shoes and reflective vest and applied lip gloss protection and sunscreen (although it was almost dark outside). We were FINALLY headed for the door when she paused to browse the daily mail on the kitchen counter. After a few moments, she continued on toward the door but paused once again, this time to browse $1 rebate form on the table...she had received it as a result of her spending $1000 at the mall (she had also received a 10% off coupon for her next visit so she was stoked!). My patience had expired, and I informed her that she was A-D-D (Attention Deficient Disorder). She calmly returned the rebate form to the table, nonchalantly headed for the door once again and stated, "I think you are B-U-T". I'm not a doctor, and I hadn't slept at a Holiday Inn Express recently, but I was pretty confident that she wasn't trying to flatter me with her diagnosis of my behavior. In fact, she concluded her diagnosis by informing me that she could add another "T" on the end of her diagnosis if I was having any trouble understanding my affliction.
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One of my co-workers told me that he wished he could meet MrsT the next time she was in the office visiting me. I suspect that he thinks I take editorial liberties with regard to MrsT. Because he is a male and because he is one of my co-workers means that he already has two strikes against him. He should be careful what he wishes for...
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JoeG, a fellow co-worker is leaving us today. You gotta love a guy that got ordained on the Internet, who wears a smile almost all of the time and has a BIG BLUE FLAME tattoo on his forearm! Suffice to say, Joe has a different "slant" on life. I don't think anyone (including Joe) has quite figured out what that slant is all about, but there is no doubt that he's slanting! Father Joe, I wish you the best. Break-a-leg!
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This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there isn't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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What do you call a monkey in a minefield ? A BaBoom!
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Boss To Employee: Why aren't you working?
Employee: I didn't see you coming.
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FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS
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Behind every successful woman is herself.
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Oh my gosh, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!
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Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a tea bag … you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
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I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
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So many men, so few who can afford me.
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Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
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Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
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I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
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Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
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Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.
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Do not start with me. You will not win.
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All stressed out and no one to choke.
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I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
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How can I miss you if you won't go away ?
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Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
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If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
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One of my co-workers told me that he wished he could meet MrsT the next time she was in the office visiting me. I suspect that he thinks I take editorial liberties with regard to MrsT. Because he is a male and because he is one of my co-workers means that he already has two strikes against him. He should be careful what he wishes for...
.
.
JoeG, a fellow co-worker is leaving us today. You gotta love a guy that got ordained on the Internet, who wears a smile almost all of the time and has a BIG BLUE FLAME tattoo on his forearm! Suffice to say, Joe has a different "slant" on life. I don't think anyone (including Joe) has quite figured out what that slant is all about, but there is no doubt that he's slanting! Father Joe, I wish you the best. Break-a-leg!
.
.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there isn't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
.
.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
.
.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield ? A BaBoom!
.
.
Boss To Employee: Why aren't you working?
Employee: I didn't see you coming.
.
.
FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS
.
Behind every successful woman is herself.
.
Oh my gosh, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!
.
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a tea bag … you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
.
So many men, so few who can afford me.
.
Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
.
Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.
.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
.
I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
.
How can I miss you if you won't go away ?
.
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Friday Levity 10.31.2008
Mrs. T never passes up a chance to remind me I'm old. Recently, I took a few days of vacation to work around the house and enjoy the great Fall weather. As she was leaving for work one morning, she said, "Don't do any stupid or dangerous today". In my younger days, that would have meant climbing up in trees with a chainsaw or hanging from the roof to repair a top story window. Now it means standing on a step stool to change a light bulb or bending over to tie my shoes or not wearing my seat belt....pffft...I bet I'm the only guy who has a seat belt on his riding lawnmower…just because I fell asleep ONE time while mowing the yard. Sheesh. I wonder why she even cares about my safety other than my 401K keeps building in value. However, with the recent economy, I've noticed she's been encouraging me to mow and mulch several times a week...and ironically, she has stopped reminding me to buckle up…hmmm…and she reminded me last night that our security light, located at the very peak of our very tall roof, is burned out and should be changed...
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I got stopped by a policeman recently. He completely understood my reasoning for erratic driving when I explained that just because I was behind the wheel, it was Mrs. T who was actually doing all the driving, as per usual. Of course, it helped that my son is on the police force and his fellow officers had the inside scoop on Mrs.T. I asked the young officer what he was doing to do if he ever had to stop Mrs.T, to which he replied, "Call for backup".
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It's Halloween, and I expect my co-worker Roy to come by my desk with his annual observation: "So, you dressed up as a grumpy old man again? Great costume!" He's one of the big reasons why we stopped letting people from the Netherlands into the United States. We just cannot take a chance of having any more Roys here.
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A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right."
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"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kind of like being the guy on a date." --Caroline Rhea
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"In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there were actually, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study." ---Dave Barry
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.
.
I got stopped by a policeman recently. He completely understood my reasoning for erratic driving when I explained that just because I was behind the wheel, it was Mrs. T who was actually doing all the driving, as per usual. Of course, it helped that my son is on the police force and his fellow officers had the inside scoop on Mrs.T. I asked the young officer what he was doing to do if he ever had to stop Mrs.T, to which he replied, "Call for backup".
.
It's Halloween, and I expect my co-worker Roy to come by my desk with his annual observation: "So, you dressed up as a grumpy old man again? Great costume!" He's one of the big reasons why we stopped letting people from the Netherlands into the United States. We just cannot take a chance of having any more Roys here.
.
.
A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right."
.
.
"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kind of like being the guy on a date." --Caroline Rhea
.
.
"In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there were actually, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study." ---Dave Barry
.
.
Friday Levity 2008.10.03
My elderly neighbor lady called last evening. She and her husband live just down the road from me. They had heard through the grapevine about my recent snake slayings and they had some questions. She first wanted to know if it was true that I had found snakes in my garage. After giving her the details, I heard her quietly reply, "Oh my" (as if contemplating quietly to herself). There was an awkward silence. Suddenly, I could hear her husband in the background. He tends to speak very loudly and is very animated. He was telling her to ask me what I use to kill the snakes. I told her I use a long handled shovel. She quickly relayed my answer to him. I then heard him asking, "What about a hoe? Will a garden hoe work?". Before she could relay his question back to me, and because I could clearly hear him in the background, I replied, "Yes, a garden hoe works just fine".
.
"So you…". "How…". I could sense she was struggling to ask me how I actually do it, so I interrupted and said as nonchalantly as possible, "Just chop their head off. Sometimes, the head doesn't get completely chopped off, but it should be enough to kill them. Just don't pick up the head with your fingers because it will potentially have venom on it". She replied with another, but louder, "Oh my". I could hear her husband in the background, excitedly asking, "What? What? What did he say?". She relayed my statement to her husband. I could sense their apprehension was growing. She then asked, "But what if you're out walking and don't have your shovel?". Again, nonchalantly and very calmly, I replied, "I use a big rock". She replied with, "So, umm..so...”. Once again, I sensed she was struggling to ask, so I interrupted and said, "You just mash their head with the rock". Once again, her reply was "Oh my”.
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Her husband was still in the background asking, "What? What did he say?" I continued on, telling her that she should of course stay out of range so the snake can't strike her. "Oh my yes", she replied. I quickly added, "They typically can't kill a human, but it would sure make you sick. However, they would sure put the whammy on that little dog of yours". "Ohhhhh my Lord yes", she exclaimed. Like most family dogs, their little dog is just another member of the family to them. She then stated they are always with the dog when it's outside, thus it should be safe. Hesitantly, but with conviction, I replied, "Wellllllll, not necessarily. One of our other neighbors had a dog get bitten while sticking its nose under some flowers and the neighbors were standing right there at the time it happened". "Oh my, oh my", she replied.
.
A double "Oh my" was an indication to me that I should probably try to say something to try and calm her fears. I could hear her husband excitedly asking, "What? What?". I wasn't sure what to say so I did the best I could. I told her to keep the garage and outside doors closed and to watch where the dog sticks its nose, and they all should be fine and if they do get bitten, they should not panic but instead, should get to an emergency room as soon as possible for some anti-venom. "Ohhh, yes, yes, my yes, we will, we will…yes that's a good idea", she replied nervously. She thanked me for the info and hung up the phone.
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As I hung up the phone, all this talk of snakes made me wonder if now would be a good time for the "rubber snake in the mailbox" practical joke routine. Of course, I wouldn't do it to my neighbor. But it would be great fun to see MrsT's reaction if she were to find a snake in our mailbox. However, a practical joke shouldn't cause someone to die. And quite frankly, I don't relish the thought of having Mrs.T hunt me down and kill me over a practical joke...
.
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Banks in Japan are suffering too. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. The Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
.
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"Vegetarian" is a word with Native American origins. It means "lousy hunter".
.
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What does one say to a dog named Minton who has an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks? Bad Minton!
.
.
"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
.
.
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
.
.
A repeat, but a good one:
At the Olympics, a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole and asked,
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?".
The competitor replied, "Nein, I am German. But how did you know my name ist Walter?"
.
.
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien
.
"So you…". "How…". I could sense she was struggling to ask me how I actually do it, so I interrupted and said as nonchalantly as possible, "Just chop their head off. Sometimes, the head doesn't get completely chopped off, but it should be enough to kill them. Just don't pick up the head with your fingers because it will potentially have venom on it". She replied with another, but louder, "Oh my". I could hear her husband in the background, excitedly asking, "What? What? What did he say?". She relayed my statement to her husband. I could sense their apprehension was growing. She then asked, "But what if you're out walking and don't have your shovel?". Again, nonchalantly and very calmly, I replied, "I use a big rock". She replied with, "So, umm..so...”. Once again, I sensed she was struggling to ask, so I interrupted and said, "You just mash their head with the rock". Once again, her reply was "Oh my”.
.
Her husband was still in the background asking, "What? What did he say?" I continued on, telling her that she should of course stay out of range so the snake can't strike her. "Oh my yes", she replied. I quickly added, "They typically can't kill a human, but it would sure make you sick. However, they would sure put the whammy on that little dog of yours". "Ohhhhh my Lord yes", she exclaimed. Like most family dogs, their little dog is just another member of the family to them. She then stated they are always with the dog when it's outside, thus it should be safe. Hesitantly, but with conviction, I replied, "Wellllllll, not necessarily. One of our other neighbors had a dog get bitten while sticking its nose under some flowers and the neighbors were standing right there at the time it happened". "Oh my, oh my", she replied.
.
A double "Oh my" was an indication to me that I should probably try to say something to try and calm her fears. I could hear her husband excitedly asking, "What? What?". I wasn't sure what to say so I did the best I could. I told her to keep the garage and outside doors closed and to watch where the dog sticks its nose, and they all should be fine and if they do get bitten, they should not panic but instead, should get to an emergency room as soon as possible for some anti-venom. "Ohhh, yes, yes, my yes, we will, we will…yes that's a good idea", she replied nervously. She thanked me for the info and hung up the phone.
.
As I hung up the phone, all this talk of snakes made me wonder if now would be a good time for the "rubber snake in the mailbox" practical joke routine. Of course, I wouldn't do it to my neighbor. But it would be great fun to see MrsT's reaction if she were to find a snake in our mailbox. However, a practical joke shouldn't cause someone to die. And quite frankly, I don't relish the thought of having Mrs.T hunt me down and kill me over a practical joke...
.
.
.
Banks in Japan are suffering too. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. The Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
.
.
"Vegetarian" is a word with Native American origins. It means "lousy hunter".
.
.
What does one say to a dog named Minton who has an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks? Bad Minton!
.
.
"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
.
.
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
.
.
A repeat, but a good one:
At the Olympics, a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole and asked,
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?".
The competitor replied, "Nein, I am German. But how did you know my name ist Walter?"
.
.
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien
Friday Levity 2008.09.26
My youngest daughter is a poor, starving college student (her opinion, not mine). And she thinks I should still support her (her and Mrs.T's opinion, not mine). When she asks me to buy her something, my standard response is always "No", and then I negotiate upward (typically Mrs.T gets involved at this stage in the process). I then ultimately buy what she had initially asked for. I fully understand that I have no real chance during these negotiations, but the process makes me feel better anyway. And, let's not fool ourselves…she and her mother seldom bother to come to me regarding most of their purchases. Their standard operating procedure is "Better to ask forgiveness than permission". Today, we "need" (her opinion, not mine) to buy a new cell phone. I despise buying cell phones. Of course, the cell phone makers no longer have the model she currently owns, so we will be required to buy a new, more expensive model, which means, of course, that we also will need to buy a new car charger and other miscellaneous accessories. I have officially added cell phones to my ever growing list of "necessary evils" which also includes food, electricity, running water, housing, cars, insurance, computers, Internet, clothing and In-laws.
.
As I pulled off the highway into my subdivision yesterday evening, there were two young men standing beside an old pickup, its hood raised. It was obvious this truck had seen its better days (long ago). I stopped, rolled down my window and asked them if there was anything I could do to help them. One of them nodded toward the pickup and calmly stated, "Gets too hot and starts coughing, spitting, backfiring and finally quits running, but will be fine after a drink of water and a chance to cool down". I nodded, wished them luck and then continued on my way. Sadly, I could relate very well to that old pickup because I have the same symptoms any time I exercise...
.
.
Q: When you apply for Welfare in Mexico, what does that Government give you?
A: The map of the United States
.
.
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture", replied the man.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife.", replied the man.
.
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I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him.
"Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"
He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words slowly and carefully, "Sauvignon blanc".
.
.
And some quotes….
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury - Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
My version of that quote: "Money can't buy you happiness, but I'd sure like to give it a try"
.
As I pulled off the highway into my subdivision yesterday evening, there were two young men standing beside an old pickup, its hood raised. It was obvious this truck had seen its better days (long ago). I stopped, rolled down my window and asked them if there was anything I could do to help them. One of them nodded toward the pickup and calmly stated, "Gets too hot and starts coughing, spitting, backfiring and finally quits running, but will be fine after a drink of water and a chance to cool down". I nodded, wished them luck and then continued on my way. Sadly, I could relate very well to that old pickup because I have the same symptoms any time I exercise...
.
.
Q: When you apply for Welfare in Mexico, what does that Government give you?
A: The map of the United States
.
.
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture", replied the man.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife.", replied the man.
.
.
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him.
"Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"
He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words slowly and carefully, "Sauvignon blanc".
.
.
And some quotes….
.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury - Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
My version of that quote: "Money can't buy you happiness, but I'd sure like to give it a try"
Friday Levity 09.19.2008
I've discovered a new way to completely clean and sanitize my entire BBQ grill. We Americans love our grills, but they can become a real grease pit, unless you're very diligent with your cleaning (which most of you ARE NOT!). There is grease buildup in the lid. And down the sides of the grill. And down in the bottom of the grill. And the underneath side of the grates. Yikes! This past weekend, I had gone outside and cleaned the "top" side of the grates (one should always clean the top side of the grates!). I had lit the grill for pre-heating and then returned to the kitchen to retrieve the meat, utensils and sauces. My son-in-law, who was sitting in the family room, nonchalantly asked if I was burning something outside. I looked out my family room windows and witnessed thick, dark smoke boiling past the windows. The smoke was so thick I couldn't see anything else but smoke!!! I ran outside to find my grill TOTALLY engulfed in flames (grease is very flammable you know!). But hey, I essentially killed two birds with one stone: I had removed all the old grease and I had disinfected the entire grill. However, I would suggest moving your grill away from the house ...
.
I've killed three copperhead snakes around my house over the past week. I average about 4-5 killings per year. After years of experience, I consider myself an expert snake slayer. Steve Irwin wouldn't have appreciated my personal view on the conservation of poisonous snakes. Two of these serpents were discovered on the road between my house and a ravine. I suppose they were moving to the ravine for winter, but quickly met their demise at the hands of this ninja rock chucker. The third snake was in my garage, and she was the second biggest one I've ever killed. I actually took trophy pictures afterwards. I had walked within inches of her several times while I was cleaning and organizing my garage (i.e. hiding things from Mrs. T). When I finally saw her, she was curled up against the closed garage door. I soon introduced her to the business end of a long handled shovel (my favorite weapon of choice). However, I didn't want to kill her in the garage because they emit a very strong odor when killed (I suppose I would too if someone was cutting off my head with a shovel) There are people who can actually smell a live copperhead when one is in the vicinity! As for me, I typically stumble around and find them by mistake, usually after having almost stepped on them several times. I didn't want to run across the garage to press the button to open the door, fearing she might slither off and hide somewhere in my garage. So I yelled for Mrs.T and asked her to come open the garage door. I was going to scoop the snake out of the garage and kill it on my driveway. All went well. Mrs.T didn't panic and did her job well. Unlike her Grandma back in the depression of the 1930's. Mrs.T's Grandpa could pick up a snake by the tail, crack it like whip, effectively snapping its head off. Once, in the middle of the night, they heard the chickens cackling and obviously disturbed. Grandpa went to investigate. Eggs were a valuable commodity and they didn't want to lose chickens nor eggs to predators such as raccoons and foxes. Grandma decided to get up and go with Grandpa. He let her carry the lantern and he was carrying the gun. They soon discovered a HUGE snake in the chicken house. Grandpa could see its tail sticking out from underneath a shelf, so he decided to grab it and snap its head off. Just as he grabbed the snake, Grandma, knowing what was about to happen, ran out the door, taking the lantern with her, leaving Grandpa alone in total darkness, holding a snake who was trying to introduce itself to Grandpa. Grandma didn't get to carry the lantern anymore after that…
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Paddy says, 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken'
Operator 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street'
Operator 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence.
After a few seconds, operator asks, 'Are you there sir?' Silence.
A few more seconds elapse: Operator asks, 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'
This goes on for another few minutes until:- Operator 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me!!?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street'.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
*You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
*No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
**HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
****WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9
*WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
*IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8 (just LOVE this one)
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
.
I've killed three copperhead snakes around my house over the past week. I average about 4-5 killings per year. After years of experience, I consider myself an expert snake slayer. Steve Irwin wouldn't have appreciated my personal view on the conservation of poisonous snakes. Two of these serpents were discovered on the road between my house and a ravine. I suppose they were moving to the ravine for winter, but quickly met their demise at the hands of this ninja rock chucker. The third snake was in my garage, and she was the second biggest one I've ever killed. I actually took trophy pictures afterwards. I had walked within inches of her several times while I was cleaning and organizing my garage (i.e. hiding things from Mrs. T). When I finally saw her, she was curled up against the closed garage door. I soon introduced her to the business end of a long handled shovel (my favorite weapon of choice). However, I didn't want to kill her in the garage because they emit a very strong odor when killed (I suppose I would too if someone was cutting off my head with a shovel) There are people who can actually smell a live copperhead when one is in the vicinity! As for me, I typically stumble around and find them by mistake, usually after having almost stepped on them several times. I didn't want to run across the garage to press the button to open the door, fearing she might slither off and hide somewhere in my garage. So I yelled for Mrs.T and asked her to come open the garage door. I was going to scoop the snake out of the garage and kill it on my driveway. All went well. Mrs.T didn't panic and did her job well. Unlike her Grandma back in the depression of the 1930's. Mrs.T's Grandpa could pick up a snake by the tail, crack it like whip, effectively snapping its head off. Once, in the middle of the night, they heard the chickens cackling and obviously disturbed. Grandpa went to investigate. Eggs were a valuable commodity and they didn't want to lose chickens nor eggs to predators such as raccoons and foxes. Grandma decided to get up and go with Grandpa. He let her carry the lantern and he was carrying the gun. They soon discovered a HUGE snake in the chicken house. Grandpa could see its tail sticking out from underneath a shelf, so he decided to grab it and snap its head off. Just as he grabbed the snake, Grandma, knowing what was about to happen, ran out the door, taking the lantern with her, leaving Grandpa alone in total darkness, holding a snake who was trying to introduce itself to Grandpa. Grandma didn't get to carry the lantern anymore after that…
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Paddy says, 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken'
Operator 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street'
Operator 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence.
After a few seconds, operator asks, 'Are you there sir?' Silence.
A few more seconds elapse: Operator asks, 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'
This goes on for another few minutes until:- Operator 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me!!?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street'.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
*You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
*No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
**HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
****WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9
*WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
*IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8 (just LOVE this one)
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Friday Levity 09.12.2008
There is a place in your kitchen where I suspect toxic and non-toxic items reside, side by side, day in and day out. A place where you put things and forget about them, only to find them later. Some of you might be thinking "refrigerator", and I'm confident that guess would have some validity. But that's not what I speak of. It's a place I visit only when absolutely needed, and each time I go there, my emotions run the spectrum from anger to jubilation. I had to work on my sink this week. The place I speak of? Underneath the kitchen sink.
.
First of all, I despise the design of the area underneath the sink, including the typical cabinet design. The floor of the kitchen sink is about three inches above the kitchen floor. To work on a kitchen sink, you must lie on your back with only a portion of you underneath the sink, and the remainder of you hanging out in odd, unnatural contortions on the kitchen floor. In my opinion, the area under the sink should hold at least half a body with plenty of room to maneuver around. But, unless you're a sideshow with a traveling circus, most people can only get their head and shoulders in that small, cramped space. And the floor of the cabinet then strikes you painfully and directly across your back. And then, the remainder of your body is bent downward as it flops around on the kitchen floor. Thus, I first feel the emotion of anger as I prepare to work on the sink. And then I experience more anger as I discover that I don't have the right tools and I am required to crawl out and then re-insert myself again. And then more anger as I work on the sink as I tear it apart. Finally, finally, I approach calmness as I get everything put back together. I turn the water supply back on, and if there are no leaks, jubilation! However, if there are leaks, I start over with the anger part (intensified) and I repeat this emotional rollercoaster ride.
.
Of course, before I can work on the sink, I have to remove the small truckload of items residing under the sink, both toxic and non-toxic. Drano, bleach, oven cleaner. Scrubbing cleansers. Kitchen garbage bags (empty, unused ones thankfully!). Dishwashing soap. Dishwasher soap. Rubber gloves. Oh, and that mixing bowl which Mrs. T has been searching for. She has continually accused me in its disappearance. Sheesh, I had forgotten I put it under there to catch leaks. I'm still not sure how I'll explain its mysterious reappearance with all of her other mixing bowls. There was an old mousetrap which wasn't set (when you live in the country, mousetraps are a first line of defense, but obviously, they work better if baited and set).
.
Of course, most people seldom see, nor remember, a lot of this stuff found underneath the kitchen sink. Typically, most people only deal with the items on the front fringes which are accessed frequently and easily. Everything else gets pushed to the back. Only the people who work on the sink actually get to discover what lives in that dark recess. I still haven't told Mrs.T about everything I found. I would have never guessed that mold could flourish on the underneath side of a sink like that. And most importantly, I haven't told her about all the things I put in the garbage. I sure hope she wasn't keeping that pretty, dainty flower vase for sentimental reasons. . .hmmm. . .was that the one she got on our first anniversary. . .or did she get it after the birth of one our children . . .hmmm. . .suddenly, as I write this, it is now painfully obvious that my emotional rollercoaster ride, while under the sink, clouded my judgment and decision making ability. . .I wonder if that would stand up in a court of law. . .
.
.
.
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"'
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
.
.
"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day." --Paul Clay
.
.
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day.
"How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?", asks Joan.
"He sleeps with the dog!", replied Marianne.
.
.
.
A repeat, but in this election year, it's worthy of a second time:
.
While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin and his appointment to Prime Minister of Australia.
"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.
The old farmer said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."
The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!''
.
.
A real groaner. . .I should repent for having included it...
There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often over-thinned his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, until the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest buildings.
Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint, and yes, I am sorry to say, over-thinning it with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint off the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the over-thinned and useless paint. Wayne was no fool.
He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: 'Forgive me, forgive me, what must I do to be forgiven?'
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
.
.
.
First of all, I despise the design of the area underneath the sink, including the typical cabinet design. The floor of the kitchen sink is about three inches above the kitchen floor. To work on a kitchen sink, you must lie on your back with only a portion of you underneath the sink, and the remainder of you hanging out in odd, unnatural contortions on the kitchen floor. In my opinion, the area under the sink should hold at least half a body with plenty of room to maneuver around. But, unless you're a sideshow with a traveling circus, most people can only get their head and shoulders in that small, cramped space. And the floor of the cabinet then strikes you painfully and directly across your back. And then, the remainder of your body is bent downward as it flops around on the kitchen floor. Thus, I first feel the emotion of anger as I prepare to work on the sink. And then I experience more anger as I discover that I don't have the right tools and I am required to crawl out and then re-insert myself again. And then more anger as I work on the sink as I tear it apart. Finally, finally, I approach calmness as I get everything put back together. I turn the water supply back on, and if there are no leaks, jubilation! However, if there are leaks, I start over with the anger part (intensified) and I repeat this emotional rollercoaster ride.
.
Of course, before I can work on the sink, I have to remove the small truckload of items residing under the sink, both toxic and non-toxic. Drano, bleach, oven cleaner. Scrubbing cleansers. Kitchen garbage bags (empty, unused ones thankfully!). Dishwashing soap. Dishwasher soap. Rubber gloves. Oh, and that mixing bowl which Mrs. T has been searching for. She has continually accused me in its disappearance. Sheesh, I had forgotten I put it under there to catch leaks. I'm still not sure how I'll explain its mysterious reappearance with all of her other mixing bowls. There was an old mousetrap which wasn't set (when you live in the country, mousetraps are a first line of defense, but obviously, they work better if baited and set).
.
Of course, most people seldom see, nor remember, a lot of this stuff found underneath the kitchen sink. Typically, most people only deal with the items on the front fringes which are accessed frequently and easily. Everything else gets pushed to the back. Only the people who work on the sink actually get to discover what lives in that dark recess. I still haven't told Mrs.T about everything I found. I would have never guessed that mold could flourish on the underneath side of a sink like that. And most importantly, I haven't told her about all the things I put in the garbage. I sure hope she wasn't keeping that pretty, dainty flower vase for sentimental reasons. . .hmmm. . .was that the one she got on our first anniversary. . .or did she get it after the birth of one our children . . .hmmm. . .suddenly, as I write this, it is now painfully obvious that my emotional rollercoaster ride, while under the sink, clouded my judgment and decision making ability. . .I wonder if that would stand up in a court of law. . .
.
.
.
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"'
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
.
.
"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day." --Paul Clay
.
.
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day.
"How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?", asks Joan.
"He sleeps with the dog!", replied Marianne.
.
.
.
A repeat, but in this election year, it's worthy of a second time:
.
While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin and his appointment to Prime Minister of Australia.
"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.
The old farmer said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."
The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!''
.
.
A real groaner. . .I should repent for having included it...
There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often over-thinned his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, until the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest buildings.
Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint, and yes, I am sorry to say, over-thinning it with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint off the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the over-thinned and useless paint. Wayne was no fool.
He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: 'Forgive me, forgive me, what must I do to be forgiven?'
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
.
.
Friday Levity 09.05.2008
I'm going to address something this week which is an uncomfortable topic for most people. Not only is it uncomfortable, it will continually trouble those who don't come to grips with it. It often causes us to stare and/or be stared at. It sometimes causes us to avoid eye contact entirely. Some people actually try to deal with it by taking corrective and/or preventive measures, but alas, it's all in vain. Sometimes you just feel better because yours isn't as bad as theirs. It's happening right now as you read this. It's a constant in life. And it happens to most everything, living or not. It happened to my utility room door this week. There are things you can do to mask it. There are things you can do to make it temporarily disappear, but it will be back. It's relentless. There are things humans can wear to make it look better or attempt to hide it. At times, people should be wearing more (not less), because quite frankly there are things in life I'd just rather not see. It's a topic that you won't hear talked about around the water cooler…perhaps in the locker room, but not in social circles. Men typically won't broach the subject with women, although a woman will sometimes talk about herself (which is perfectly acceptable as long as you don't agree with her). However, a female will often and readily make a male aware his own affliction.
.
Some of you might be guessing "hair loss". That certainly would have been a valid guess, with the exception of my utility room door. Perhaps you're guessing "weight gain". No way. Not going there. It's actually a very small word containing only three letters but carrying a heavy punch. Quite frankly, it might as well be classified as one of our dreaded four letter words not be used in social situations. I can attest that it has certainly done its fair share of damage to me. And quite frankly, from my vantage point, many of you haven't escaped its snare either. It's a word with many synonyms including "drooping, wilting, floppy, baggy, slumped, dropped, lolling, dipping or hanging down" Yes, folks, I have "sag". And don't be so quick to snicker. You too, my friend, are sagging, regardless of your age. You might not be sagging as badly as some, but it's happening. And I doubt you'll be as lucky as my utility room door. It had a loose screw and I was able to fix it…at least for a while. I seriously doubt that fixing one of your loose screws will yield the same results.
.
But take heart. There is a silver lining to this story. Much of you" is migrating south, inching ever closer to the ground, and should you ever fall, much of you won't have far to go. A wise man once said, "It's not the fall that hurts...it's that sudden stop". Thus, the shorter distance you have to go, the better off you'll be. Embrace your sagginess. It's certainly embracing you.
.
.
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"Just a hunch", the doctor replied.
.
.
A friend of mine acquired two new dogs and named them Rolex and Timex. They're watch dogs.
.
.
Punny stuff…
.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
.
She was only a simply country whisky maker but he loved her still.
.
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
.
To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
.
Sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center: 'Keep off the Grass'.
.
Some of you might be guessing "hair loss". That certainly would have been a valid guess, with the exception of my utility room door. Perhaps you're guessing "weight gain". No way. Not going there. It's actually a very small word containing only three letters but carrying a heavy punch. Quite frankly, it might as well be classified as one of our dreaded four letter words not be used in social situations. I can attest that it has certainly done its fair share of damage to me. And quite frankly, from my vantage point, many of you haven't escaped its snare either. It's a word with many synonyms including "drooping, wilting, floppy, baggy, slumped, dropped, lolling, dipping or hanging down" Yes, folks, I have "sag". And don't be so quick to snicker. You too, my friend, are sagging, regardless of your age. You might not be sagging as badly as some, but it's happening. And I doubt you'll be as lucky as my utility room door. It had a loose screw and I was able to fix it…at least for a while. I seriously doubt that fixing one of your loose screws will yield the same results.
.
But take heart. There is a silver lining to this story. Much of you" is migrating south, inching ever closer to the ground, and should you ever fall, much of you won't have far to go. A wise man once said, "It's not the fall that hurts...it's that sudden stop". Thus, the shorter distance you have to go, the better off you'll be. Embrace your sagginess. It's certainly embracing you.
.
.
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"Just a hunch", the doctor replied.
.
.
A friend of mine acquired two new dogs and named them Rolex and Timex. They're watch dogs.
.
.
Punny stuff…
.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
.
She was only a simply country whisky maker but he loved her still.
.
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
.
To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
.
Sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center: 'Keep off the Grass'.
Friday Levity 08.29.2008
I'm disturbed. I doubt this self analysis comes as a big surprise to anyone that knows me. Fueling my ongoing instability is continually finding things full or empty. It's very troubling.
Things that bother me when full:
Things that bother me when full:
- The kitchen trash can. It's ALWAYS full when I go to toss something in it. How can this be?
- A child's bedroom floor (clothes, CD's, electronic devices, mattress, books, food, dishes, etc.)
- The floorboard, ashtrays, cupholders and seats in a child's car. Trash (e.g. fast food wrappers), stale food (e.g. french fries), shoes, clothes, a bag of food from last week's trip to Wal-Mart, textbooks used (or never used) several years ago, ATM receipts, other receipts…the list is endless
- The sweeper bag
- The top of the pool table in our basement (it's evolved into a large, flat, multi-level, horizontal storage area)
- Wal-Mart on a Saturday
- Mouse traps
Things that bother me when empty:
- Ice cube trays in the freezer
- Milk jug in the fridge
- Ice cream box in the freezer
- Gas jug for the lawn mower
- The gas tank of a child's or spouse's vehicle when I go to drive it
- Cereal box in the cupboard
- PopTart box in the cupboard
- Peanut butter jar
- Bread wrapper on the kitchen counter (okay, okay…it actually has the two heels in it, which is the same thing as empty)
- Jelly jar
- Shampoo bottle (of course, I'm already in the shower before I discover this)
- Soap dish (again…typically already in shower before discovering)
- Paper towel holder
- TP holder (again, typically already on the…ummm…never mind)
- Coffee pot in the breakroom (it's ALWAYS empty…how can this be?)
- Beef jerky bag
- Potato chip bag (okay..a few crumbs in the bottom = empty)
- Gravy bowl (when I get ready for seconds/thirds)
- Dirty clothes basket in child's bedroom (see "full" items list re: bedroom floor)
- Rat poison container
.
An to no one's surprise, there are things that I want neither full nor empty, because if too full, you can't find anything anyway and if empty, it's not being utilized:
- Cupboards
- Fridge
- Freezer
- Attic
- Storage closets
- Kitchen drawers (especially the one containing all the pieces and parts such as mixer beaters, BBQ applicator brush, ice pick, ice cream scoop, rat poison, etc.)
.
.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
.
.
"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?" --Emo Philips
.
.
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please"
The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, boys?"
"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, England, "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country...the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British nonsense," says Joe. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and rude.'
"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.
Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Friday Levity 08.22.2008
I have greatly enjoyed watching the Olympics over the past two weeks. My observations:
1. Divers wear Speedos, thus, I could not be a diver. Very few men should wear Speedos. Besides, I enjoy having blood circulation in my legs, which I'm pretty sure would disappear if I were able to actually get them on. I seriously doubt they come in an extra large size. "XL Speedo". Is that an oxymoron?
2. Divers should not take their showers in public.
3. Don't make an Archery person mad. They seldom miss. And they do it from 80 yards. You'll never know what hit you.
4. Badminton. Don't even think about it. Don’t embarrass yourself like that.
5. A "Shuttlecock" is defined as a conical shaped, high-drag projectile. I would define it as a potentially deadly weapon served by an oriental person. Of course, some might say the same thing about deep fried Cashew Chicken.
6. Ping Pong. Same story as badminton. Don't even try it.
7. Don't challenge a Jamaican to a foot race.
8. Caucasians should not attempt any event which requires running fast over short distances.
9. Events with athletes wearing Spandex should come with a parental warning: "Leaves nothing to the imagination".
10. There are people wearing Spandex who should be arrested.
11. Cameras should not zoom in on people wearing Spandex.
12. I'm a big fan of women's beach volleyball. Sand, Volleyball, Bikinis. It's "All American”, just like Baseball and Apple Pie. Go USA!
13. I don't really think cheerleaders in bikinis are necessary during the men's sand volleyball. But hey, "When in Rome…"
14. Being Chinese will increase your chances of winning a medal in any event involving judges and subjectivity.
15. If you're going to a fight, take a female shot putter or discus thrower with you.
16. Gymnastics requires that female participants be sixteen years old. Apparently the Chinese use a new math when calculating the age of their twelve year old girls.
17. Rowing. I want the job of sitting in the front of the boat and yelling at my teammates to row faster and harder! However, these are typically small framed people, so I doubt I'll be asked. I'm pretty sure the front of the boat shouldn't be lower in the water than the back.
18. If it has taken a country one hundred years to win its first medal in the Olympics, I think that country should go home and practice for another hundred years and then come back and try again.
19. Greco wrestling is just wrong. Sweaty males, groping and grabbing body parts while writhing around on a mat wearing tight Spandex body suits. That's just not natural. I cannot watch it.
20. I'm glad the balance beam is only used in female gymnastics. A mistake on the beam could cause a guy to lose more than points...
.
.
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity... (as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A civil war?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
.
.
.
"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true." --Ian Hart
.
.
During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"
1. Divers wear Speedos, thus, I could not be a diver. Very few men should wear Speedos. Besides, I enjoy having blood circulation in my legs, which I'm pretty sure would disappear if I were able to actually get them on. I seriously doubt they come in an extra large size. "XL Speedo". Is that an oxymoron?
2. Divers should not take their showers in public.
3. Don't make an Archery person mad. They seldom miss. And they do it from 80 yards. You'll never know what hit you.
4. Badminton. Don't even think about it. Don’t embarrass yourself like that.
5. A "Shuttlecock" is defined as a conical shaped, high-drag projectile. I would define it as a potentially deadly weapon served by an oriental person. Of course, some might say the same thing about deep fried Cashew Chicken.
6. Ping Pong. Same story as badminton. Don't even try it.
7. Don't challenge a Jamaican to a foot race.
8. Caucasians should not attempt any event which requires running fast over short distances.
9. Events with athletes wearing Spandex should come with a parental warning: "Leaves nothing to the imagination".
10. There are people wearing Spandex who should be arrested.
11. Cameras should not zoom in on people wearing Spandex.
12. I'm a big fan of women's beach volleyball. Sand, Volleyball, Bikinis. It's "All American”, just like Baseball and Apple Pie. Go USA!
13. I don't really think cheerleaders in bikinis are necessary during the men's sand volleyball. But hey, "When in Rome…"
14. Being Chinese will increase your chances of winning a medal in any event involving judges and subjectivity.
15. If you're going to a fight, take a female shot putter or discus thrower with you.
16. Gymnastics requires that female participants be sixteen years old. Apparently the Chinese use a new math when calculating the age of their twelve year old girls.
17. Rowing. I want the job of sitting in the front of the boat and yelling at my teammates to row faster and harder! However, these are typically small framed people, so I doubt I'll be asked. I'm pretty sure the front of the boat shouldn't be lower in the water than the back.
18. If it has taken a country one hundred years to win its first medal in the Olympics, I think that country should go home and practice for another hundred years and then come back and try again.
19. Greco wrestling is just wrong. Sweaty males, groping and grabbing body parts while writhing around on a mat wearing tight Spandex body suits. That's just not natural. I cannot watch it.
20. I'm glad the balance beam is only used in female gymnastics. A mistake on the beam could cause a guy to lose more than points...
.
.
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity... (as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A civil war?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
.
.
.
"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true." --Ian Hart
.
.
During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"
Friday Levity 07.25.2008
I may have committed a very serious crime this week. Ironically, I didn't sleep at all. Why ironic? Read on.
.
My eldest son was a witness. He could have easily committed the crime if not for the winds of good fortune in his sails. His only response: "Uh oh...you're in BIG trouble now!”, followed by much laughing. He was obviously very shaken.
.
I suppose I'm now considered a fugitive, although law enforcement hasn't been notified yet. Quite frankly, I don't know who to report the crime to. Local law enforcement? FBI? Department of Urban Affairs? Mrs. T doesn't seem to be concerned about my life of crime. Although, she did ask if my 401K would still be in play even if I were in prison upon retirement age.
.
Some background on the situation:
Mrs. T had gotten another severe case of "shopping fever" this week. I tried various things to ward it off (e.g. waving cash under her nose, hoping the smell of U.S. currency would get her over the fever). However, through her own self diagnosis over the years, she has discovered there is really only one tried and tested cure for this affliction: the sound of a credit card being swiped through a reader and the sight, sound and smell of freshly printed receipts.
.
Thus, as per usual, I'd like to try and blame this entire incident her her. I was happy with our 25 year old mattress, but she wanted a new one! She reminded me that it was 25 years old when we first got it from the flea market. Details, details. As you might have guessed by now, I accidentally tore the tag off our old mattress as I was moving it. It was purely an accident! For those of you who haven't read the fine print on a mattress tag: "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW".
.
I always love moving things from place to place in the house and helping Mrs. T with her home projects, but with tag in hand, I immediately informed Mrs. T that I must stop the moving project and report this to authorities! I told her it might take a long time to resolve this. I told her there was probably a "Bureau of Mattress Police" in Washington, D.C. She gave me "the look" and ordered me pick the mattress up and get moving now! She then assured me that she would visit me during my incarceration, if she could find the time in her busy schedule.
.
I couldn't sleep for two reasons: 1) getting accustomed to new mattress 2) having an old mattress with no tag out in the garage. I got up in the middle of the night and replaced the tag. I used a lot of duct tape. Obviously, I didn't want it falling off. And, I placed the tag in the very center of the mattress, for the entire world to see. I also taped on an additional note: "TO WHOM IT CONCERNS: THIS WAS AN ACCIDENT!".
.
If this goes to trial, I can only hope that the judge is male and he appreciates my use of duct tape. And hopefully, he is married. He might then find mercy, due to his own familiarity with shopping fever. I suspect it's a mostly unreported national epidemic, causing untold numbers of domestic disturbances, bringing chaos and havoc into the homes of middle class America.
.
.
.
A man boarded a plane with eight kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
.
Tired of always fielding this same question from strangers, he had developed a standard response: 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
.
.
"My parents used to tell me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.' I tell my children, 'Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.'" -Thomas Friedman
.
.
When insults had class:
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
.
.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "I believe it's Wedding Cake?"
.
My eldest son was a witness. He could have easily committed the crime if not for the winds of good fortune in his sails. His only response: "Uh oh...you're in BIG trouble now!”, followed by much laughing. He was obviously very shaken.
.
I suppose I'm now considered a fugitive, although law enforcement hasn't been notified yet. Quite frankly, I don't know who to report the crime to. Local law enforcement? FBI? Department of Urban Affairs? Mrs. T doesn't seem to be concerned about my life of crime. Although, she did ask if my 401K would still be in play even if I were in prison upon retirement age.
.
Some background on the situation:
Mrs. T had gotten another severe case of "shopping fever" this week. I tried various things to ward it off (e.g. waving cash under her nose, hoping the smell of U.S. currency would get her over the fever). However, through her own self diagnosis over the years, she has discovered there is really only one tried and tested cure for this affliction: the sound of a credit card being swiped through a reader and the sight, sound and smell of freshly printed receipts.
.
Thus, as per usual, I'd like to try and blame this entire incident her her. I was happy with our 25 year old mattress, but she wanted a new one! She reminded me that it was 25 years old when we first got it from the flea market. Details, details. As you might have guessed by now, I accidentally tore the tag off our old mattress as I was moving it. It was purely an accident! For those of you who haven't read the fine print on a mattress tag: "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW".
.
I always love moving things from place to place in the house and helping Mrs. T with her home projects, but with tag in hand, I immediately informed Mrs. T that I must stop the moving project and report this to authorities! I told her it might take a long time to resolve this. I told her there was probably a "Bureau of Mattress Police" in Washington, D.C. She gave me "the look" and ordered me pick the mattress up and get moving now! She then assured me that she would visit me during my incarceration, if she could find the time in her busy schedule.
.
I couldn't sleep for two reasons: 1) getting accustomed to new mattress 2) having an old mattress with no tag out in the garage. I got up in the middle of the night and replaced the tag. I used a lot of duct tape. Obviously, I didn't want it falling off. And, I placed the tag in the very center of the mattress, for the entire world to see. I also taped on an additional note: "TO WHOM IT CONCERNS: THIS WAS AN ACCIDENT!".
.
If this goes to trial, I can only hope that the judge is male and he appreciates my use of duct tape. And hopefully, he is married. He might then find mercy, due to his own familiarity with shopping fever. I suspect it's a mostly unreported national epidemic, causing untold numbers of domestic disturbances, bringing chaos and havoc into the homes of middle class America.
.
.
.
A man boarded a plane with eight kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
.
Tired of always fielding this same question from strangers, he had developed a standard response: 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
.
.
"My parents used to tell me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.' I tell my children, 'Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.'" -Thomas Friedman
.
.
When insults had class:
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
.
.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "I believe it's Wedding Cake?"
Friday Levity 07.18.2008
Last week I reviewed my trip to Washington, D.C. I forgot to mention that when riding the escalators in the subways, you will need to always stand on the right hand side. The natives seem to always be in a big hurry to get somewhere as they are continually running up and down the escalators. And if you are standing in their way, they are not shy to remind you that escalators are not for standing and riding on...
.
Recently, I saw a screwdriver on the counter in the utility room. It was left there by one of my offspring. Of course, they originally found it in my toolbox in the garage. I suddenly realized that youngsters never put anything up because they simply remember where they last used something and that's where they go when they need it again. However, that doesn't work for me, because I can't even remember where I am now. However, I've learned how to get my revenge. Sometimes, when I'm bored, I go to their rooms and move stuff around. And I rearrange the piles of dirty and clean clothes on their floor. It really messes with their routines…they can't find anything!
.
I recently met a lady on the road, driving her car while leaning forward, looking in the rearview mirror and applying makeup to her eyes. I don't EVEN have to tell you how wrong this is. Freaks me out every time I see it, especially when they are on my side of the road. If we can outlaw cell phones while driving, I think "makeup" should be added to the list. And tacos (i.e. lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and pieces of hamburger are distracting when trying to retrieve and eat the pieces from your lap and car seat). Oh, and let's not forget cigarettes. Although I don't smoke, I am confident that a lit cigarette dropping between the legs of a driver quickly causes driving to become a second priority…
.
I would venture a guess that everyone has a place for keys. Perhaps a kitchen drawer. Or a big bowl (along with old pens, pencils with broken lead, sticks of old gum and a big pair of toenail clippers). Or maybe you have an actual key hanger/letter holder on the kitchen wall. Or maybe you have a mongo keychain. I recently checked my keychain and had three keys I didn't recognize. I could not remember what they were for. Americans seem to believe that we should save all keys because we JUST MIGHT need them some day. It's almost a religion. I immediately threw those three keys away. I was pumped. I immediately went to the kitchen and threw away some more keys that I didn't think we needed. It was exhilarating!!! Almost as exhilarating as the first time I was actually able to outrun my mother as she was trying to catch and spank me (she lost a step once she hit age 50!). I suggest you try throwing away some of your keys!
.
I sure hope that none of those keys were actually needed by Mrs. T. She's religious about keeping things. Sheesh…now I'm thinking that there is a hellfire and brimstone sermon is in my future.
.
.
.
A little boy had just started school. He was doing so well his grandfather took him to the zoo to celebrate.
As they stopped at each enclosure the Grandfather would asked the boy, "What's this?" It's a Lion," the boy replied. "That’s good," said Grandfather. "And what's this in the next one?" "Its tiger" replied the boy.
"Well done," said Grandfather "you're so clever. And what's the big one over there." "It's a fricking elephant." Said the boy gleefully. "What did you say," queried the Grandfather? "A fricking elephant," he repeated. "And where did you learn that?" asked Grandfather sternly. "Over there on the sign,” he replied pointing, ”A-f-r-i-can Elephant.”
.
.
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
.
.
I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
.
.
"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."---Milton Berle
.
.
Seen recently in an advice column in the newspaper:
Q: What's the worst thing a wife can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning Sickness.
.
.
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."
.
Recently, I saw a screwdriver on the counter in the utility room. It was left there by one of my offspring. Of course, they originally found it in my toolbox in the garage. I suddenly realized that youngsters never put anything up because they simply remember where they last used something and that's where they go when they need it again. However, that doesn't work for me, because I can't even remember where I am now. However, I've learned how to get my revenge. Sometimes, when I'm bored, I go to their rooms and move stuff around. And I rearrange the piles of dirty and clean clothes on their floor. It really messes with their routines…they can't find anything!
.
I recently met a lady on the road, driving her car while leaning forward, looking in the rearview mirror and applying makeup to her eyes. I don't EVEN have to tell you how wrong this is. Freaks me out every time I see it, especially when they are on my side of the road. If we can outlaw cell phones while driving, I think "makeup" should be added to the list. And tacos (i.e. lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and pieces of hamburger are distracting when trying to retrieve and eat the pieces from your lap and car seat). Oh, and let's not forget cigarettes. Although I don't smoke, I am confident that a lit cigarette dropping between the legs of a driver quickly causes driving to become a second priority…
.
I would venture a guess that everyone has a place for keys. Perhaps a kitchen drawer. Or a big bowl (along with old pens, pencils with broken lead, sticks of old gum and a big pair of toenail clippers). Or maybe you have an actual key hanger/letter holder on the kitchen wall. Or maybe you have a mongo keychain. I recently checked my keychain and had three keys I didn't recognize. I could not remember what they were for. Americans seem to believe that we should save all keys because we JUST MIGHT need them some day. It's almost a religion. I immediately threw those three keys away. I was pumped. I immediately went to the kitchen and threw away some more keys that I didn't think we needed. It was exhilarating!!! Almost as exhilarating as the first time I was actually able to outrun my mother as she was trying to catch and spank me (she lost a step once she hit age 50!). I suggest you try throwing away some of your keys!
.
I sure hope that none of those keys were actually needed by Mrs. T. She's religious about keeping things. Sheesh…now I'm thinking that there is a hellfire and brimstone sermon is in my future.
.
.
.
A little boy had just started school. He was doing so well his grandfather took him to the zoo to celebrate.
As they stopped at each enclosure the Grandfather would asked the boy, "What's this?" It's a Lion," the boy replied. "That’s good," said Grandfather. "And what's this in the next one?" "Its tiger" replied the boy.
"Well done," said Grandfather "you're so clever. And what's the big one over there." "It's a fricking elephant." Said the boy gleefully. "What did you say," queried the Grandfather? "A fricking elephant," he repeated. "And where did you learn that?" asked Grandfather sternly. "Over there on the sign,” he replied pointing, ”A-f-r-i-can Elephant.”
.
.
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
.
.
I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
.
.
"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."---Milton Berle
.
.
Seen recently in an advice column in the newspaper:
Q: What's the worst thing a wife can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning Sickness.
.
.
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."
Friday Levity 07.11.2008
Mrs. T and I recently went to Washington, D.C. for a vacation. A fantastic place to visit and I would recommend it! Before leaving on the trip, I found it quite fascinating that both of my daughters (unbeknownst to each other), and in all seriousness, demanded that I be nice, behave myself and not antagonize the natives. My sons simply encouraged me to have fun and not get arrested. Very interesting gender specific perspectives by those who know me. I suppose they were essentially all saying the same thing.
Some of my observations:
.
There are no longer any cab drivers of Caucasian ancestry. And, I can't prove it, but it seems there is a direct correlation in the number of cabs vs. the number of dishonest politicians. Needless to say, there are thousands of cabs! Getting a cab is never a problem. Communicating with the cab driver, however, can be. They seem to comprehend landmark names very well. You should speak loudly and clearly, almost as if yelling (KENNEDY CENTER!!!). Yelling seems to be how they communicate with each other. And cash. Cabbies understand our monetary system very well. Interestingly, regardless of age, gender or ancestry, cash seems to bring a smile to everyone's face, especially Mrs. T's. When she's having a bad day, I've always suspected she goes to the ATM for a "pick-me-up".
.
A "nanosecond" is the amount of time between the traffic light changing and the person behind you honking their horn. Honking appeared to be its own form of communication, but not as a greeting (as here in the Ozarks), but rather, a warning of "pending road rage" (similar to the Princess Bride movie, in the Fire Swamp scene, the popping noise prior to the fire danger). Cabbies have zero tolerance for "rubber necking" and for people who have no idea where they are going. And, they seemed to have really embraced our right to freedom of speech, judging by the frequent use of their middle finger when communicating with me.
.
When entering any building, you and your belongings will be x-rayed, searched and sometimes sniffed. If you have a problem with this, or if have a problem with being radioactive upon your return, you shouldn't go to Washington, D.C.
.
Street vendors take "business casual" to the extreme. Personal hygiene, including shaving, is definitely optional (women included). Bright, flowered Hawaiian shirts were common attire, which seemed quite ironic since we're about as far from Hawaii as one could get. However, I would recommend that big store chains take notice of the efficiency at which these vendors run their businesses in a small space. A combined department, convenience and grocery store being ran from an old, rusty full sized van from one of our big three auto makers (Chevy, Dodge and Ford). Very patriotic! I'm confident that Detroit is proud to know they dominate the "mobile vending market". Shirts, dresses, scarves, hats, jewelry, umbrellas, food items, narcotics, music CD's. It's truly amazing what can be sold from an old, rusty, full-sized, American-made van with its side missing. Awning required.
.
Eating establishments can be difficult to find. And when you do finally stumble across them, you tend to be so hungry and exhausted that anything sounds good. Regardless of how hungry you are, I might suggest that you bypass the "Potbelly Deli" and "Burrito Bro's".
.
When gazing from Arlington Cemetery (in Virginia) across the Potomac River to the Lincoln Memorial (in Washington, D.C.), it doesn't appear to be too far away. Thus, we walked from Virginia to Washington, D.C. Of course, having never been to the Lincoln Memorial, we had no idea how massive it is. Taking a cue from my car's rearview mirror ("Objects may be closer than they appear"), and for the remainder of the trip, I repeated the following words to myself whenever I was tempted to walk instead of take the metro: "Buildings and monuments are never as close as they appear".
.
Elevators are well known for invading our personal space. However, the Metro (subway) takes that to a whole new level during rush hour. I recommend using the Metro….but not during rush hour. Rubbing elbows with the natives is fine with me. However, rub me with anything else and it really starts freaking me out. Avoiding eye contact was nearly impossible because there are just too many eyes. I quickly learned to close my eyes and pretend to sleep. I also breathed through my mouth, thus eliminating the ability to smell anything...
.
With regard to buildings, it is clearly obvious that "Bigger is Better". The buildings are truly massive. And it's readily apparent that granite or marble are the only choices allowed (i.e. I saw no A-Frame wood construction with vinyl siding!). Some of the restrooms even use marble in their stall partitions and privacy dividers!!! I really wanted to take a picture! However, I suppose there are times when not having a camera turns out to be a good thing. And, quite frankly, a guy snapping pictures in the men's restroom would probably make most men very uneasy...I know I would be...
.
.
My doctor said I was paranoid... well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.
.
.
Emery (Age 5) entertained us this week with another "Emery-ism" as reported by his mother Aimee :
.
My son, Emery, came to me last night with a tightly rolled-up message asking for a bottle to put his message in. I informed him that we don’t have any – we’ve either packed it in anticipation of an end-of-month move or thrown it out. He trots off. Ten minutes later he comes back with a now-empty bottle of soy sauce excitedly telling me he found a bottle. Nice.
Some of my observations:
.
There are no longer any cab drivers of Caucasian ancestry. And, I can't prove it, but it seems there is a direct correlation in the number of cabs vs. the number of dishonest politicians. Needless to say, there are thousands of cabs! Getting a cab is never a problem. Communicating with the cab driver, however, can be. They seem to comprehend landmark names very well. You should speak loudly and clearly, almost as if yelling (KENNEDY CENTER!!!). Yelling seems to be how they communicate with each other. And cash. Cabbies understand our monetary system very well. Interestingly, regardless of age, gender or ancestry, cash seems to bring a smile to everyone's face, especially Mrs. T's. When she's having a bad day, I've always suspected she goes to the ATM for a "pick-me-up".
.
A "nanosecond" is the amount of time between the traffic light changing and the person behind you honking their horn. Honking appeared to be its own form of communication, but not as a greeting (as here in the Ozarks), but rather, a warning of "pending road rage" (similar to the Princess Bride movie, in the Fire Swamp scene, the popping noise prior to the fire danger). Cabbies have zero tolerance for "rubber necking" and for people who have no idea where they are going. And, they seemed to have really embraced our right to freedom of speech, judging by the frequent use of their middle finger when communicating with me.
.
When entering any building, you and your belongings will be x-rayed, searched and sometimes sniffed. If you have a problem with this, or if have a problem with being radioactive upon your return, you shouldn't go to Washington, D.C.
.
Street vendors take "business casual" to the extreme. Personal hygiene, including shaving, is definitely optional (women included). Bright, flowered Hawaiian shirts were common attire, which seemed quite ironic since we're about as far from Hawaii as one could get. However, I would recommend that big store chains take notice of the efficiency at which these vendors run their businesses in a small space. A combined department, convenience and grocery store being ran from an old, rusty full sized van from one of our big three auto makers (Chevy, Dodge and Ford). Very patriotic! I'm confident that Detroit is proud to know they dominate the "mobile vending market". Shirts, dresses, scarves, hats, jewelry, umbrellas, food items, narcotics, music CD's. It's truly amazing what can be sold from an old, rusty, full-sized, American-made van with its side missing. Awning required.
.
Eating establishments can be difficult to find. And when you do finally stumble across them, you tend to be so hungry and exhausted that anything sounds good. Regardless of how hungry you are, I might suggest that you bypass the "Potbelly Deli" and "Burrito Bro's".
.
When gazing from Arlington Cemetery (in Virginia) across the Potomac River to the Lincoln Memorial (in Washington, D.C.), it doesn't appear to be too far away. Thus, we walked from Virginia to Washington, D.C. Of course, having never been to the Lincoln Memorial, we had no idea how massive it is. Taking a cue from my car's rearview mirror ("Objects may be closer than they appear"), and for the remainder of the trip, I repeated the following words to myself whenever I was tempted to walk instead of take the metro: "Buildings and monuments are never as close as they appear".
.
Elevators are well known for invading our personal space. However, the Metro (subway) takes that to a whole new level during rush hour. I recommend using the Metro….but not during rush hour. Rubbing elbows with the natives is fine with me. However, rub me with anything else and it really starts freaking me out. Avoiding eye contact was nearly impossible because there are just too many eyes. I quickly learned to close my eyes and pretend to sleep. I also breathed through my mouth, thus eliminating the ability to smell anything...
.
With regard to buildings, it is clearly obvious that "Bigger is Better". The buildings are truly massive. And it's readily apparent that granite or marble are the only choices allowed (i.e. I saw no A-Frame wood construction with vinyl siding!). Some of the restrooms even use marble in their stall partitions and privacy dividers!!! I really wanted to take a picture! However, I suppose there are times when not having a camera turns out to be a good thing. And, quite frankly, a guy snapping pictures in the men's restroom would probably make most men very uneasy...I know I would be...
.
.
My doctor said I was paranoid... well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.
.
.
Emery (Age 5) entertained us this week with another "Emery-ism" as reported by his mother Aimee :
.
My son, Emery, came to me last night with a tightly rolled-up message asking for a bottle to put his message in. I informed him that we don’t have any – we’ve either packed it in anticipation of an end-of-month move or thrown it out. He trots off. Ten minutes later he comes back with a now-empty bottle of soy sauce excitedly telling me he found a bottle. Nice.
Friday Levity 06.13.2008
I've been in the doghouse for most of this week, which probably comes as no surprise to anyone. It seems, in a man's life, if it involves a female (e.g. mother, girlfriend, wife, daughters) there is a very fine line between saying too much and saying too little. And, as you might imagine, I crisscross that line quite often, usually with great fanfare. I'm extensively married (i.e. married a long, long time!) and I still haven't learned the fine art of staying out of the doghouse. There are times when I know I should just keep quiet, but I just can't (e.g. "Can't you clean up after yourself WHILE you cook instead of trying to dirty every bowl and dish in the house?") . And then there are times I know I should say something, but I just can't make myself say it (e.g. "I know you like that outfit. Buy it! Let's not worry about how much it costs") . And then, there are times when I say something with a great beginning but a dismal ending (e.g. "Sure, go ahead and go shopping for clothes. Have fun! It's not like you JUST went shopping last week and I have no idea why you need to go again."). And sometimes there are times I really do try to state my feelings, but fail miserably (e.g. "If YOU think that outfit looks good, then you're the one that has to wear it, and you're the one that needs to be happy wearing it, so feel free to buy it if you want to").
.
It seems quite ironic that I hear the most complaints about my "lack of conversation", and yet, conversations are where I often get into the most trouble. I'm a work in progress, and obviously, it's a lengthy project . I hope the project survives any premature, show stopping deadlines (emphasis on "prematurely dead").
.
.
It seems quite ironic that I hear the most complaints about my "lack of conversation", and yet, conversations are where I often get into the most trouble. I'm a work in progress, and obviously, it's a lengthy project . I hope the project survives any premature, show stopping deadlines (emphasis on "prematurely dead").
.
I did something this week that I've never done before. I created a new word!!! "Conern". It's a noun. It's a person who is a "concern" and also "a few strokes short of sharp blade" . Visualize a ConeHead who greatly concerns you because he's going to say or do something to screw things up. Example Usage: "He's a conern". Feel free to use it. But if you don't mind, let me be the one to contact Mr. Webster…I'm sure it will quickly become a part of our culture. I know it has at my house. Mrs. T latched onto it immediately. And because I invented it, I like it a lot better than those other things she calls me...
.
.
If you're sitting in a traffic jam watching the minutes tick away and you've decided honesty isn't the best policy for you, think of a believable and acceptable reason you're walking in late. After all, if you were a hiring manager who heard any of these real-life excuses for being late, you'd be suspicious, too.
- While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.
- My route to work was shut down by a presidential motorcade.
- I have transient amnesia and couldn't remember my job.
- I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.
- I was trying to get my gun back from the police.
- I didn't have money for gas because all of the pawnshops were closed.
...
My friend often complained that his wife needing to be more organized, paying attention and staying focused. He recently had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, and he boasted, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath." I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
Friday Levity 06.06.2008
First, a clarification from my entry last week. The two women from the Internet who showed up at the New family reunion were history buffs who were studying the history of small towns in Missouri. The man that brought these ladies is also a history buff (he's married to Mrs. T's sister). He has several websites devoted to small towns in that area, thus they all had met each other on one of his websites. Now I'm not sure what you all were thinking when I said a guy showed up with two women he'd met from the Internet and they were sharing pictures, but I doubt that you thought they were studying history of small towns. Tsk, tsk. Regardless, Uncle Garland would have still been proud to go tell his buddies at the truck stop about it. And I doubt that he would have mentioned the history stuff. .
.
.
I was in the yard last evening, innocently and nonchalantly pulling weeds. My eldest son wandered by and asked if I was in trouble. As per usual, I was thinking slowly and didn't catch what he was inferring and in my usual intelligent way of communicating I asked, 'Huh?", to which he replied, "You're pulling weeds. I assumed you were in trouble". Pffft. It's bad to have a reputation that precedes you. He's the same son that will randomly laugh out loud when Mrs. T has her backed turned to us, causing her to turn and glare at ME as she WRONGFULLY assumes that I was saying or doing something behind her back. And he just laughs and laughs and laughs, enjoying every second of it, as I attempt to unsuccessfully defend my innocence. I can't deny he got his sick sense of humor from me…I just wish he wouldn't use it against me. . .
.
.
As you can hopefully see, I deal with a lot of adversity and consequently, my body continues its rapid decline. Some people assume I have wrinkled skin due to my age. Wrong. I believe it's somehow a direct correlation to being in "hot water" all the time. And I can only blame my grey hair on my teenagers, because I never had grey hair before I had teenagers. And my extra weight can only be blamed on Mrs. T because she gets upset if I don't take a second helping of food every time I eat (especially if it's a new recipe!) as she WRONGLFULLY assumes I don't like her cooking any time I don't take seconds. Perhaps I just wasn't hungry when I refused that second helping of her new recipe of spinach and egg quiche! Perhaps quiche is very filling to me! And just because she found me in the kitchen five minutes later, eating potato chips, is NO cause to accuse me of faking being full of quiche! Can't a guy get hungry again in five minutes? Pffft. I'm going to start keeping a bag of chips stashed in the garage…checking the oil in cars can make a person very hungry......
.
.
Kids Are Quick____________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' _________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ______________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________ . .
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
.
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
.
Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
.
Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac
George Carlin
.
I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by...
.
.
I was in the yard last evening, innocently and nonchalantly pulling weeds. My eldest son wandered by and asked if I was in trouble. As per usual, I was thinking slowly and didn't catch what he was inferring and in my usual intelligent way of communicating I asked, 'Huh?", to which he replied, "You're pulling weeds. I assumed you were in trouble". Pffft. It's bad to have a reputation that precedes you. He's the same son that will randomly laugh out loud when Mrs. T has her backed turned to us, causing her to turn and glare at ME as she WRONGFULLY assumes that I was saying or doing something behind her back. And he just laughs and laughs and laughs, enjoying every second of it, as I attempt to unsuccessfully defend my innocence. I can't deny he got his sick sense of humor from me…I just wish he wouldn't use it against me. . .
.
.
As you can hopefully see, I deal with a lot of adversity and consequently, my body continues its rapid decline. Some people assume I have wrinkled skin due to my age. Wrong. I believe it's somehow a direct correlation to being in "hot water" all the time. And I can only blame my grey hair on my teenagers, because I never had grey hair before I had teenagers. And my extra weight can only be blamed on Mrs. T because she gets upset if I don't take a second helping of food every time I eat (especially if it's a new recipe!) as she WRONGLFULLY assumes I don't like her cooking any time I don't take seconds. Perhaps I just wasn't hungry when I refused that second helping of her new recipe of spinach and egg quiche! Perhaps quiche is very filling to me! And just because she found me in the kitchen five minutes later, eating potato chips, is NO cause to accuse me of faking being full of quiche! Can't a guy get hungry again in five minutes? Pffft. I'm going to start keeping a bag of chips stashed in the garage…checking the oil in cars can make a person very hungry......
.
.
Kids Are Quick____________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' _________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ______________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________ . .
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
.
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
.
Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
.
Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac
George Carlin
.
I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by...
Friday Levity 05.30.2008
The "New" family reunion (sounds like a good name for a folk/bluegrass/gospel band from Arkansas). The reunion was held, as always, on Memorial Day weekend in Liberal, Missouri. Liberal is the typical farming community small town where the downtown, uptown and suburbs are all at the same location and when taking a tour, you know you're finished when the paved road becomes a gravel road and tractors/combines outnumber the cars on the road.
.
Fortunately, I did not have to take Uncle Garland's place this year (something I posed as a possibility in my last blog entry). This was a good thing considering Mrs. T had warned me that it would be the last thing I ever did. I think she was referring to the last thing I would ever do in my life, not just the reunion. Thankfully, other members of the family stepped up to the plate this year.
.
First, there was Aunt Jane who has gone mostly deaf and talks three times louder than she needs to. Additionally, she now has a cyst in her nose which causes her to have a total nasal blockage. And we now all know how to remove a cyst from the nose, because she described in gory detail, her upcoming operation to remove the cyst. With her nasal passages blocked, she sounds EXACTLY like the "Momma" character from the movie "Throw Momma From The Train". I fully expected Billy Crystal and Danny DeVito to show up on the train running on the tracks behind the park pavilion. The first time she yelled "Pass the salt!" everyone thought she was going to kill someone. It was all a bit unnerving until you acclimated yourself to her yelling and having to place your lips on her ear before she could hear you talking. I avoided eye contact and had nothing to say to Aunt Jane.
.
There was cousin Johnny who is a "big feller" (6'4'", 300+ lbs, HUGE belly). He's a talker. And storyteller. The most troubling story this year involved his little old neighbor lady calling him in the middle of the night because a burglar was breaking into her house. Johnny grabbed his big .357 magnum (that's a pistol in case you're wondering) and he ran out of his house wearing ONLY his boxers and a pair of knee high rubber boots. He held the person at gunpoint until the police arrived. I wanted to tell Johnny that a gun probably wouldn't have been necessary. I know personally that I couldn't move for several minutes after envisioning him wearing only boxers and rubber boots. I firmly believe I went into shock. If it had actually happened to me in person, I'm confident that I would not have moved for quite some time.
.
And finally, the biggest news of the day: A male member of the family showed up with not one, but TWO women he had met on the Internet. As you can imagine, it was a shocker. And they were sharing pictures and stories. As you can probably imagine, it is still the talk of the family. Because they were late in arriving, I only got to visit with them for three hours. You probably think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Uncle Garland would have been proud…
.
.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
.
.
A tough old cowboy told his grandson that the secret to long life was sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning.
The grandson did so religiously and sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 93.
When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a five metre hole ion the wall of the crematorium
.
.
When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please." I'm still not married…I've realized women can never be pleased.
.
.
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
.
Fortunately, I did not have to take Uncle Garland's place this year (something I posed as a possibility in my last blog entry). This was a good thing considering Mrs. T had warned me that it would be the last thing I ever did. I think she was referring to the last thing I would ever do in my life, not just the reunion. Thankfully, other members of the family stepped up to the plate this year.
.
First, there was Aunt Jane who has gone mostly deaf and talks three times louder than she needs to. Additionally, she now has a cyst in her nose which causes her to have a total nasal blockage. And we now all know how to remove a cyst from the nose, because she described in gory detail, her upcoming operation to remove the cyst. With her nasal passages blocked, she sounds EXACTLY like the "Momma" character from the movie "Throw Momma From The Train". I fully expected Billy Crystal and Danny DeVito to show up on the train running on the tracks behind the park pavilion. The first time she yelled "Pass the salt!" everyone thought she was going to kill someone. It was all a bit unnerving until you acclimated yourself to her yelling and having to place your lips on her ear before she could hear you talking. I avoided eye contact and had nothing to say to Aunt Jane.
.
There was cousin Johnny who is a "big feller" (6'4'", 300+ lbs, HUGE belly). He's a talker. And storyteller. The most troubling story this year involved his little old neighbor lady calling him in the middle of the night because a burglar was breaking into her house. Johnny grabbed his big .357 magnum (that's a pistol in case you're wondering) and he ran out of his house wearing ONLY his boxers and a pair of knee high rubber boots. He held the person at gunpoint until the police arrived. I wanted to tell Johnny that a gun probably wouldn't have been necessary. I know personally that I couldn't move for several minutes after envisioning him wearing only boxers and rubber boots. I firmly believe I went into shock. If it had actually happened to me in person, I'm confident that I would not have moved for quite some time.
.
And finally, the biggest news of the day: A male member of the family showed up with not one, but TWO women he had met on the Internet. As you can imagine, it was a shocker. And they were sharing pictures and stories. As you can probably imagine, it is still the talk of the family. Because they were late in arriving, I only got to visit with them for three hours. You probably think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Uncle Garland would have been proud…
.
.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
.
.
A tough old cowboy told his grandson that the secret to long life was sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning.
The grandson did so religiously and sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 93.
When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a five metre hole ion the wall of the crematorium
.
.
When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please." I'm still not married…I've realized women can never be pleased.
.
.
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Friday Levity 05.23.2008
Memorial Day weekend. The "New" family reunion. It is Mrs. T's mother's side of the family. Yeah. Believe it. And, yes, "New" is their real name. I always thought "New" was an interesting name. When a baby is born, do they announce that "We have a new New baby?" (go ahead and try it…say it out loud...it makes you sound like you have a speech impediment…if nothing else, it makes you look goofy as you purse your lips). When our kids were young, they always went to this reunion. Well, actually, they had no choice. Now that they're older, they refuse to go. My oldest son would rather have a root canal. No wait, even worse. He'd rather go clothes shopping for an entire day with Mrs. T. Now that the kids are older, they just refuse to go. I too refuse to go!!! And each year as I attend the reunion, I am guaranteed four things will always happen. And these four things involve Uncle Garland. Uncle Garland isn't a "New". He married a "New". Garland can best be described as an bib overall wearing ex-truck driver who smokes like a chimney, is loud, obnoxious and sounds as if he's totally wasted (drunk) all the time. However, he doesn't drink. He just sounds like it. The four things that Garland will always do:
(1) Make a very loud comment, for ALL to hear, about the size of his wife's butt and he will conclude by saying "and from the looks of the other New sisters, it must be inherited"
(2) He will very loudly announce he is going to tell a crude joke, and he will then do so
(3) He will sit at the same table, same seat and talk constantly (even if no one is sitting there with him), never getting up except for food, bathroom or smoke break
(4) He will sing the country classic "All My Ex's Live In Texas" (usually with a cigarette dangling from his lips)
.
This year will be different though. Uncle Garland passed away. He always wanted to be taken to the cemetery on a trailer pulled behind an eighteen wheeler. He got close. The hearse broke down and we all had to wait at a truck stop for a different hearse to come get him. I'll always suspect he enjoyed that.
.
I am thinking about taking Uncle Garland's place this year. I have some bib overalls, but I will need to get some cigarettes. I'm going to try it one time. And if I survive, I'm thinking I won't have to go next year because Mrs. T won't let me. Please don't tell Mrs. T about my plans…I want it to be a big surprise. My kids are going to be sorry they missed this...
.
.
Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "Good grief! - how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first - it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house - it was Momma Bear who made the coffee - it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, & put everything away- it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper - it was Momma Bear who set the table - it was Momma Bear who put the blasted cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's food & water dish AND, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs to grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence --- listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.....
.
I HAVEN'T MADE THE B L O O D Y PORRIDGE YET!!"
.
.
"Father's date of birth?" the nurse asked, while gathering information after my son's birth. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."
.
.
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your toothbrush
.
.
(1) Make a very loud comment, for ALL to hear, about the size of his wife's butt and he will conclude by saying "and from the looks of the other New sisters, it must be inherited"
(2) He will very loudly announce he is going to tell a crude joke, and he will then do so
(3) He will sit at the same table, same seat and talk constantly (even if no one is sitting there with him), never getting up except for food, bathroom or smoke break
(4) He will sing the country classic "All My Ex's Live In Texas" (usually with a cigarette dangling from his lips)
.
This year will be different though. Uncle Garland passed away. He always wanted to be taken to the cemetery on a trailer pulled behind an eighteen wheeler. He got close. The hearse broke down and we all had to wait at a truck stop for a different hearse to come get him. I'll always suspect he enjoyed that.
.
I am thinking about taking Uncle Garland's place this year. I have some bib overalls, but I will need to get some cigarettes. I'm going to try it one time. And if I survive, I'm thinking I won't have to go next year because Mrs. T won't let me. Please don't tell Mrs. T about my plans…I want it to be a big surprise. My kids are going to be sorry they missed this...
.
.
Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "Good grief! - how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first - it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house - it was Momma Bear who made the coffee - it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, & put everything away- it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper - it was Momma Bear who set the table - it was Momma Bear who put the blasted cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's food & water dish AND, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs to grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence --- listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.....
.
I HAVEN'T MADE THE B L O O D Y PORRIDGE YET!!"
.
.
"Father's date of birth?" the nurse asked, while gathering information after my son's birth. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."
.
.
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your toothbrush
.
.
Friday Levity 05.16.2008
This week, I was provoked by a member of our counsel. And I responded. I suppose this might be considered walking on thin ice, but, but no more so than arguing with our HR representatives or other co-workers, which seems to occur on a regular basis. My defense for arguing and harassing people? People are always provoking me. How do they provoke me? Typically they ask how Mrs. T is doing. Or they will ask if I've been mowing or pulling weeds this week. Or they'll ask if the women of the family have been shopping recently. This week, I was provoked in yet another way. Simee Amashey (name changed to protect myself) sent me an e-mail asking if another employee (Mnn Ailes) was available for some extra work duties that afternoon. I responded to the e-mail, saying Mnn rarely does anything for me, and in fact, I rarely see Mnn, thus, if you can use her in your area and get any work out of her, go ahead with it and good luck. Of course, Mnn doesn't work in my department. And, the e-mail was actually intended for the other distinguished, tall, dark and handsome Ken (we two Ken's are often mistaken for each other…however, it’s easy to know the difference…he alternately wears a sling on his left and right arms). If Simee doesn't want me responding to her e-mail, she should stop sending it to me. In response to my response, Simee called me a "rascal" and stated that "her admiration and respect for Mrs. Toler grows every day". Quite frankly, I typically have a very difficult time interpreting legal talk, but in this case, I’m confident she wasn't trying to flatter me by bragging on Mrs. T. As you can clearly see in this very real example, I was provoked, I then responded and suddenly, Mrs. T is being put on a pedestal and I'm being slandered by a lawyer. Surreal and ironic…a brief, yet accurate synopsis of my life. As a side note, I have discovered that Ms. Simee has a real passion for our US constitution. To those who know her, I dare you to send her a joke about the constitution and/or otherwise question or misquote the constitution. Double dog dare you. No, wait…I triple dog dare you. Let me know how that goes. If doing it in person, I would recommend taking a few steps back before you begin...
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.
One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy," she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"
.
.
THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
.
My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
.
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to slap you into the middle of next week!'
.
My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why .'
.
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
.
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
.
My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
.
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
.
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
.
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
.
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
.
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
.
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
.
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
.
My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
.
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
.
My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
.
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
.
My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
.
My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'
.
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
.
My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
.
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
.
My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
.
And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
.
.
On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"
"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."
.
.
One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy," she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"
.
.
THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
.
My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
.
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to slap you into the middle of next week!'
.
My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why .'
.
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
.
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
.
My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
.
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
.
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
.
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
.
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
.
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
.
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
.
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
.
My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
.
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
.
My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
.
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
.
My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
.
My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'
.
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
.
My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
.
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
.
My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
.
And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
.
.
On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"
"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."
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