The "New" family reunion (sounds like a good name for a folk/bluegrass/gospel band from Arkansas). The reunion was held, as always, on Memorial Day weekend in Liberal, Missouri. Liberal is the typical farming community small town where the downtown, uptown and suburbs are all at the same location and when taking a tour, you know you're finished when the paved road becomes a gravel road and tractors/combines outnumber the cars on the road.
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Fortunately, I did not have to take Uncle Garland's place this year (something I posed as a possibility in my last blog entry). This was a good thing considering Mrs. T had warned me that it would be the last thing I ever did. I think she was referring to the last thing I would ever do in my life, not just the reunion. Thankfully, other members of the family stepped up to the plate this year.
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First, there was Aunt Jane who has gone mostly deaf and talks three times louder than she needs to. Additionally, she now has a cyst in her nose which causes her to have a total nasal blockage. And we now all know how to remove a cyst from the nose, because she described in gory detail, her upcoming operation to remove the cyst. With her nasal passages blocked, she sounds EXACTLY like the "Momma" character from the movie "Throw Momma From The Train". I fully expected Billy Crystal and Danny DeVito to show up on the train running on the tracks behind the park pavilion. The first time she yelled "Pass the salt!" everyone thought she was going to kill someone. It was all a bit unnerving until you acclimated yourself to her yelling and having to place your lips on her ear before she could hear you talking. I avoided eye contact and had nothing to say to Aunt Jane.
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There was cousin Johnny who is a "big feller" (6'4'", 300+ lbs, HUGE belly). He's a talker. And storyteller. The most troubling story this year involved his little old neighbor lady calling him in the middle of the night because a burglar was breaking into her house. Johnny grabbed his big .357 magnum (that's a pistol in case you're wondering) and he ran out of his house wearing ONLY his boxers and a pair of knee high rubber boots. He held the person at gunpoint until the police arrived. I wanted to tell Johnny that a gun probably wouldn't have been necessary. I know personally that I couldn't move for several minutes after envisioning him wearing only boxers and rubber boots. I firmly believe I went into shock. If it had actually happened to me in person, I'm confident that I would not have moved for quite some time.
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And finally, the biggest news of the day: A male member of the family showed up with not one, but TWO women he had met on the Internet. As you can imagine, it was a shocker. And they were sharing pictures and stories. As you can probably imagine, it is still the talk of the family. Because they were late in arriving, I only got to visit with them for three hours. You probably think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Uncle Garland would have been proud…
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CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
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A tough old cowboy told his grandson that the secret to long life was sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning.
The grandson did so religiously and sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 93.
When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a five metre hole ion the wall of the crematorium
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When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please." I'm still not married…I've realized women can never be pleased.
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A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Friday Levity 05.23.2008
Memorial Day weekend. The "New" family reunion. It is Mrs. T's mother's side of the family. Yeah. Believe it. And, yes, "New" is their real name. I always thought "New" was an interesting name. When a baby is born, do they announce that "We have a new New baby?" (go ahead and try it…say it out loud...it makes you sound like you have a speech impediment…if nothing else, it makes you look goofy as you purse your lips). When our kids were young, they always went to this reunion. Well, actually, they had no choice. Now that they're older, they refuse to go. My oldest son would rather have a root canal. No wait, even worse. He'd rather go clothes shopping for an entire day with Mrs. T. Now that the kids are older, they just refuse to go. I too refuse to go!!! And each year as I attend the reunion, I am guaranteed four things will always happen. And these four things involve Uncle Garland. Uncle Garland isn't a "New". He married a "New". Garland can best be described as an bib overall wearing ex-truck driver who smokes like a chimney, is loud, obnoxious and sounds as if he's totally wasted (drunk) all the time. However, he doesn't drink. He just sounds like it. The four things that Garland will always do:
(1) Make a very loud comment, for ALL to hear, about the size of his wife's butt and he will conclude by saying "and from the looks of the other New sisters, it must be inherited"
(2) He will very loudly announce he is going to tell a crude joke, and he will then do so
(3) He will sit at the same table, same seat and talk constantly (even if no one is sitting there with him), never getting up except for food, bathroom or smoke break
(4) He will sing the country classic "All My Ex's Live In Texas" (usually with a cigarette dangling from his lips)
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This year will be different though. Uncle Garland passed away. He always wanted to be taken to the cemetery on a trailer pulled behind an eighteen wheeler. He got close. The hearse broke down and we all had to wait at a truck stop for a different hearse to come get him. I'll always suspect he enjoyed that.
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I am thinking about taking Uncle Garland's place this year. I have some bib overalls, but I will need to get some cigarettes. I'm going to try it one time. And if I survive, I'm thinking I won't have to go next year because Mrs. T won't let me. Please don't tell Mrs. T about my plans…I want it to be a big surprise. My kids are going to be sorry they missed this...
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Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "Good grief! - how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first - it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house - it was Momma Bear who made the coffee - it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, & put everything away- it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper - it was Momma Bear who set the table - it was Momma Bear who put the blasted cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's food & water dish AND, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs to grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence --- listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.....
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I HAVEN'T MADE THE B L O O D Y PORRIDGE YET!!"
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"Father's date of birth?" the nurse asked, while gathering information after my son's birth. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."
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Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your toothbrush
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(1) Make a very loud comment, for ALL to hear, about the size of his wife's butt and he will conclude by saying "and from the looks of the other New sisters, it must be inherited"
(2) He will very loudly announce he is going to tell a crude joke, and he will then do so
(3) He will sit at the same table, same seat and talk constantly (even if no one is sitting there with him), never getting up except for food, bathroom or smoke break
(4) He will sing the country classic "All My Ex's Live In Texas" (usually with a cigarette dangling from his lips)
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This year will be different though. Uncle Garland passed away. He always wanted to be taken to the cemetery on a trailer pulled behind an eighteen wheeler. He got close. The hearse broke down and we all had to wait at a truck stop for a different hearse to come get him. I'll always suspect he enjoyed that.
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I am thinking about taking Uncle Garland's place this year. I have some bib overalls, but I will need to get some cigarettes. I'm going to try it one time. And if I survive, I'm thinking I won't have to go next year because Mrs. T won't let me. Please don't tell Mrs. T about my plans…I want it to be a big surprise. My kids are going to be sorry they missed this...
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Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "Good grief! - how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first - it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house - it was Momma Bear who made the coffee - it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, & put everything away- it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper - it was Momma Bear who set the table - it was Momma Bear who put the blasted cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's food & water dish AND, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs to grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence --- listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.....
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I HAVEN'T MADE THE B L O O D Y PORRIDGE YET!!"
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"Father's date of birth?" the nurse asked, while gathering information after my son's birth. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."
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Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your toothbrush
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Friday Levity 05.16.2008
This week, I was provoked by a member of our counsel. And I responded. I suppose this might be considered walking on thin ice, but, but no more so than arguing with our HR representatives or other co-workers, which seems to occur on a regular basis. My defense for arguing and harassing people? People are always provoking me. How do they provoke me? Typically they ask how Mrs. T is doing. Or they will ask if I've been mowing or pulling weeds this week. Or they'll ask if the women of the family have been shopping recently. This week, I was provoked in yet another way. Simee Amashey (name changed to protect myself) sent me an e-mail asking if another employee (Mnn Ailes) was available for some extra work duties that afternoon. I responded to the e-mail, saying Mnn rarely does anything for me, and in fact, I rarely see Mnn, thus, if you can use her in your area and get any work out of her, go ahead with it and good luck. Of course, Mnn doesn't work in my department. And, the e-mail was actually intended for the other distinguished, tall, dark and handsome Ken (we two Ken's are often mistaken for each other…however, it’s easy to know the difference…he alternately wears a sling on his left and right arms). If Simee doesn't want me responding to her e-mail, she should stop sending it to me. In response to my response, Simee called me a "rascal" and stated that "her admiration and respect for Mrs. Toler grows every day". Quite frankly, I typically have a very difficult time interpreting legal talk, but in this case, I’m confident she wasn't trying to flatter me by bragging on Mrs. T. As you can clearly see in this very real example, I was provoked, I then responded and suddenly, Mrs. T is being put on a pedestal and I'm being slandered by a lawyer. Surreal and ironic…a brief, yet accurate synopsis of my life. As a side note, I have discovered that Ms. Simee has a real passion for our US constitution. To those who know her, I dare you to send her a joke about the constitution and/or otherwise question or misquote the constitution. Double dog dare you. No, wait…I triple dog dare you. Let me know how that goes. If doing it in person, I would recommend taking a few steps back before you begin...
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One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy," she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"
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THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
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My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
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My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to slap you into the middle of next week!'
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My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why .'
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My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
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My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
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My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
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My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
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My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
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My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
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My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
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My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
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My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
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My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
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My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
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My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
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My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
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My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
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My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
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My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'
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My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
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My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
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My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
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My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
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And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
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On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"
"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."
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One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy," she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"
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.
THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
.
My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
.
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to slap you into the middle of next week!'
.
My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why .'
.
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
.
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
.
My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
.
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
.
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
.
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
.
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
.
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
.
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
.
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
.
My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
.
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
.
My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
.
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
.
My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
.
My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'
.
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
.
My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
.
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
.
My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
.
And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
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On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"
"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."
Friday Levity 05.09.2008
People often ask me why I park so far from the door at work. I explain that it's part of my overall health and exercise plan. After their customary snickering/laughing subsides, I typically attempt to further explain that a few extra steps a day will add up over the years and I want to lose fifty pounds by retirement. Right now, I’m on track to retire at age 115. On my daily parking lot walk over the years, I've noticed that employee parking habits are very similar to way people park themselves in pews at church. There are the "hardcore" parkers that always park in the same spot every time, much like elderly Mrs. Jones who has sat in the same spot in the same pew for a hundred years (I've heard rumors that Mrs. Jones is in a legal battle with the church in her attempts to "will" her pew position to her heirs). Then there are the "Treasure Hunters". It's a new world every day as they look for the elusive "best available parking spot". They are often giddy with excitement if a parking space close to the door is found. Unfortunately, they often park in the spot of a hardcore person, which can cause workplace friction. It's the responsibility of these treasure seekers to know where the hardcore people park and avoid those spots. Next, are the "fair weather" parkers. They pretend to be hardcore, but if there is a chance of inclement weather, they turn into treasure hunters. You know who you are Crystal Courter (as always I swapped the first character of the first and last name to help protect the actual person's identity). And finally, there are the hellish angels who ride their scooters and "bikes"…they have no parking agendas…their bikes are parked as if they were abandoned in the midst of a Chinese fire drill...they don't care…they're bikers…just stay out of their way and there will be no problems. Men wearing leather clothing greatly concerns me, but that's another story for another day. And, of course, sporadically, a visitor wanders into our world, they have no idea where to park, thus, they will typically receive forgiveness for their social blunders…a "mes faux pas dans la vie" (the mistakes I made in my life). The elderly Mrs. Jones has been known to inform a person they are sitting in her spot in the pew and she will then proceed to tell the visitor to move. And the same will happen to anyone who parks in my spot out in the back forty next to the smelly trash dumpster with its pungent juices seeping from within. It’s my spot. Leave it alone.
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Yeah, hardly worth my time going home, is it?
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
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Father Patrick replied sarcastically, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for animals in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
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Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $50,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
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Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus…why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? Of course we can do the service!"
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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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The funeral had concluded, everyone was gone except the pastor and the husband who had remained by the gravesite quietly visiting. Suddenly, several lightning strikes occurred followed by loud, rolling, booming thunder. The little old man paused, looked heavenward and casually commented to the pastor, "Well, looks like she made it".
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Yeah, hardly worth my time going home, is it?
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
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Father Patrick replied sarcastically, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for animals in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
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Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $50,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
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Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus…why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? Of course we can do the service!"
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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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The funeral had concluded, everyone was gone except the pastor and the husband who had remained by the gravesite quietly visiting. Suddenly, several lightning strikes occurred followed by loud, rolling, booming thunder. The little old man paused, looked heavenward and casually commented to the pastor, "Well, looks like she made it".
Friday Levity 05.02.2008
I woke up around midnight last evening and couldn't get back to sleep. I was hungry, so I headed for the kitchen for a midnight snack. Of course, if I had awakened at 11pm or 1am (or any other time) it would still be a midnight snack. "Midnight snack" is a generic term, so as a FYI, you should never get hung up on the name. Essentially, if you wake up, and you're hungry, go get a midnight snack, even if it's in the middle of the day after waking up from a nap. Back to last night. To keep from disturbing people, I didn't turn on any lights. There is something very peaceful about the quietness of the kitchen late at night, with only the hum of the refrigerator to be heard and the refrigerator light illuminating my search. I sometimes envision myself as a spy, on a covert mission (especially when I'm on a diet and not supposed to be snacking). Last night, I concluded that our refrigerator has turned into just another storage unit, similar to closets, cabinets, attics, garages and the car trunk. Of course, the things stored in a refrigerator can't be stored in those other storage places because it would smell after only a short time whereas it will typically take 2-3 days in a refrigerator before something starts smelling. I've saw things in our refrigerator last night that could have been entered in a science fair and probably would have won a blue ribbon. There was a bowl of green stuff which I'm confident wasn't green when initially stored. I wonder if eggs have an expiration date, because if they do, I think we have a carton of eggs in the back of the refrigerator that may need to be thrown away. Last night, I had my heart set on some homemade Guacamole dip. I knew we had made it several days ago and was hoping to find some leftovers. However, I should note that Guacamole dip is somewhat dangerous when stored since it is green to begin with. Thus, one needs to exercise caution, especially if it's been stored for awhile. You need to avoid anything with a fuzzy texture and a different shade of green. After last night, I do not recommend eating stored guacamole as a late night snack in a dimly lit kitchen. Without good light, mold is almost indistinguishable from guacamole dip. I can also tell you that mold on the roof of the mouth causes a strange sensation. Kind of like a fuzzy spider crawling up your neck, except it's on the inside of your mouth. Luckily, I didn't inhale. Listerine mouth wash doesn't specifically say that it kills mold and mildew, but I think it does…especially if you use enough of it. And as a side bonus, although still hungry, I had refreshingly clean breath when I went back to bed. Although she never said anything, I think Mrs. T probably wondered why I got up at midnight returning a short time later with Listerine breath. But over the years I'm sure she has learned that worrying about my antics is not typically time well spent…especially if she could be sleeping instead...
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had
to arrest your own wife?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
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Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
This one is for all of you who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having awonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy look at this," as she stuck out two of her little fingers.
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Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!", pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
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When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
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I asked, "What's wrong, honey?"
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She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had
to arrest your own wife?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
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Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
This one is for all of you who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having awonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy look at this," as she stuck out two of her little fingers.
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Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!", pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
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When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
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I asked, "What's wrong, honey?"
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She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
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