Draperies

I know that the purchase and installation of draperies and the associated hardware should not realistically be included in the same category as rocket science. However, I do believe there should be a warning on the package highly recommending the following reading prerequisites:

· Engineering 101
· The Female Mind
· Because I Said So
· Advanced Conflict Avoidance
· Advanced Conflict Resolution
· Advanced Survival Techniques For Husbands
· Mama Ain’t Happy – A Family’s True Story of Survival

Sadly, this week, I lost the battle for “There shalt be no draperies in this house”. I put up a valiant fight. We have lived in our house for eleven years. We have a lot of windows with no draperies, for very good reason: I want a lot of light, I want to see out and I do not want to be troubled with constantly opening and closing draperies.

We live in the woods. If someone wants to look in my window, good luck with that. Privacy, seems to be an overriding concern. First of all, if anyone is running around inside my house naked, EVERYONE should be running AWAY, including the peeping Tom, because if anyone is running around in my house naked, then something is very, very wrong. And peeping Tom should also know there is a Bull Mastiff named Rosco that enjoys meeting new people, especially if they’re trying to get away from him. He takes great delight in a game of “you run and see how long it takes me to catch you”. Dogs which weigh 100+ pounds and all muscle should not be able to run so fast, nor jump so high. I played the game of “run and catch”. Once. I can personally testify that unless you are trying to get away in a motorized vehicle then you aren’t going to get away. And he doesn’t give up. He WILL catch you and you WILL stay there until someone comes to rescue you.

However, despite all of these great arguments against draperies, we now have them.

We shopped for hours. Hours. And hours. And hours. And in the end, we selected things which we then discovered were “out of stock” when it came time to buy them. This is very, very wrong. Things should not be on display in the store and not be in stock.

However, her mind was made up and the clerks quickly figured out that this WOULD happen. (Please see “Because I Said So” above). Thus, when all was said and done, several phone calls had been made by numerous people. My credit card was used by three people, in three different stores, in three different cities with each store using a different type of delivery system scheduled for delivery on different days. Dejectedly, I walked out the store with a very small bag of curtain hooks. The last thing I can remember hearing was the clerk cheerily wishing me a happy holiday season and promising that “everything will be fine Mr. Toler”.

Soon after, we received a call from our credit card company verifying that we did INDEED spend money in three different stores, in three different cities, all within a matter of fifteen minutes. They asked HOW that was possible. I replied, “I don’t know, but I just lived through it”. I don’t think they ever really believed me. And quite frankly, I can’t blame them. I heard them whispering to each other in the background…“this must be a record of some kind”. However, because I did know my mother’s maiden name and the last four digits of my social security number, they finally agreed to accept my story. They were very kind, and I did truly appreciate them ending the phone call with “Our condolences”.

Miraculously, everything arrived this week. We started to install the first set. However, we still do not have any of them installed. I would refer you back to my recommended reading prerequisites above.

Supposedly, we are going to try installation again this weekend. And, as a precaution, if I do not show up at work on Monday, I would like to add one more to the list: “Missing Persons: Investigation and Recovery Techniques”…

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I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way."

He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.

"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax. You've been working too hard."

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The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?”

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A good listener is usually thinking about something else." ---Kin Hubbard

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. ---Ashleigh Brilliant

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Ever wondered?

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

10. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?