Friday Levity 08.29.2008

I'm disturbed. I doubt this self analysis comes as a big surprise to anyone that knows me. Fueling my ongoing instability is continually finding things full or empty. It's very troubling.

Things that bother me when full:

• The kitchen trash can. It's ALWAYS full when I go to toss something in it. How can this be?
• A child's bedroom floor (clothes, CD's, electronic devices, mattress, books, food, dishes, etc.)
  
• The floorboard, ashtrays, cupholders and seats in a child's car. Trash (e.g. fast food wrappers), stale food (e.g. french fries), shoes, clothes, a bag of food from last week's trip to Wal-Mart, textbooks used (or never used) several years ago, ATM receipts, other receipts…the list is endless
  
• The sweeper bag
  
• The top of the pool table in our basement (it's evolved into a large, flat, multi-level, horizontal storage area)
  
• Wal-Mart on a Saturday
  
• Mouse traps
  
  

Things that bother me when empty:

• Ice cube trays in the freezer
  
• Milk jug in the fridge
  
• Ice cream box in the freezer
  
• Gas jug for the lawn mower
  
• The gas tank of a child's or spouse's vehicle when I go to drive it
  
• Cereal box in the cupboard
  
• PopTart box in the cupboard
  
• Peanut butter jar
  
• Bread wrapper on the kitchen counter (okay, okay…it actually has the two heels in it, which is the same thing as empty)
  
• Jelly jar
  
• Shampoo bottle (of course, I'm already in the shower before I discover this)
  
• Soap dish (again…typically already in shower before discovering)
  
• Paper towel holder
  
• TP holder (again, typically already on the…ummm…never mind)
  
• Coffee pot in the breakroom (it's ALWAYS empty…how can this be?)
  
• Beef jerky bag
  
• Potato chip bag (okay..a few crumbs in the bottom = empty)
  
• Gravy bowl (when I get ready for seconds/thirds)
  
• Dirty clothes basket in child's bedroom (see "full" items list re: bedroom floor)
  
• Rat poison container
  

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An to no one's surprise, there are things that I want neither full nor empty, because if too full, you can't find anything anyway and if empty, it's not being utilized:

• Cupboards
  
• Fridge
  
• Freezer
  
• Attic
  
• Storage closets
  
• Kitchen drawers (especially the one containing all the pieces and parts such as mixer beaters, BBQ applicator brush, ice pick, ice cream scoop, rat poison, etc.)

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
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"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?" --Emo Philips
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Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England, "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country...the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British nonsense," says Joe. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and rude.'

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Friday Levity 08.22.2008

I have greatly enjoyed watching the Olympics over the past two weeks. My observations:


1. Divers wear Speedos, thus, I could not be a diver. Very few men should wear Speedos. Besides, I enjoy having blood circulation in my legs, which I'm pretty sure would disappear if I were able to actually get them on. I seriously doubt they come in an extra large size. "XL Speedo". Is that an oxymoron?
2. Divers should not take their showers in public.
3. Don't make an Archery person mad. They seldom miss. And they do it from 80 yards. You'll never know what hit you.
4. Badminton. Don't even think about it. Don’t embarrass yourself like that.
5. A "Shuttlecock" is defined as a conical shaped, high-drag projectile. I would define it as a potentially deadly weapon served by an oriental person. Of course, some might say the same thing about deep fried Cashew Chicken.
6. Ping Pong. Same story as badminton. Don't even try it.
7. Don't challenge a Jamaican to a foot race.
8. Caucasians should not attempt any event which requires running fast over short distances.
9. Events with athletes wearing Spandex should come with a parental warning: "Leaves nothing to the imagination".
10. There are people wearing Spandex who should be arrested.
11. Cameras should not zoom in on people wearing Spandex.
12. I'm a big fan of women's beach volleyball. Sand, Volleyball, Bikinis. It's "All American”, just like Baseball and Apple Pie. Go USA!
13. I don't really think cheerleaders in bikinis are necessary during the men's sand volleyball. But hey, "When in Rome…"
14. Being Chinese will increase your chances of winning a medal in any event involving judges and subjectivity.
15. If you're going to a fight, take a female shot putter or discus thrower with you.
16. Gymnastics requires that female participants be sixteen years old. Apparently the Chinese use a new math when calculating the age of their twelve year old girls.
17. Rowing. I want the job of sitting in the front of the boat and yelling at my teammates to row faster and harder! However, these are typically small framed people, so I doubt I'll be asked. I'm pretty sure the front of the boat shouldn't be lower in the water than the back.
18. If it has taken a country one hundred years to win its first medal in the Olympics, I think that country should go home and practice for another hundred years and then come back and try again.
19. Greco wrestling is just wrong. Sweaty males, groping and grabbing body parts while writhing around on a mat wearing tight Spandex body suits. That's just not natural. I cannot watch it.
20. I'm glad the balance beam is only used in female gymnastics. A mistake on the beam could cause a guy to lose more than points...
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For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity... (as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A civil war?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
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"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true." --Ian Hart
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During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"