I may have committed a very serious crime this week. Ironically, I didn't sleep at all. Why ironic? Read on.
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My eldest son was a witness. He could have easily committed the crime if not for the winds of good fortune in his sails. His only response: "Uh oh...you're in BIG trouble now!”, followed by much laughing. He was obviously very shaken.
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I suppose I'm now considered a fugitive, although law enforcement hasn't been notified yet. Quite frankly, I don't know who to report the crime to. Local law enforcement? FBI? Department of Urban Affairs? Mrs. T doesn't seem to be concerned about my life of crime. Although, she did ask if my 401K would still be in play even if I were in prison upon retirement age.
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Some background on the situation:
Mrs. T had gotten another severe case of "shopping fever" this week. I tried various things to ward it off (e.g. waving cash under her nose, hoping the smell of U.S. currency would get her over the fever). However, through her own self diagnosis over the years, she has discovered there is really only one tried and tested cure for this affliction: the sound of a credit card being swiped through a reader and the sight, sound and smell of freshly printed receipts.
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Thus, as per usual, I'd like to try and blame this entire incident her her. I was happy with our 25 year old mattress, but she wanted a new one! She reminded me that it was 25 years old when we first got it from the flea market. Details, details. As you might have guessed by now, I accidentally tore the tag off our old mattress as I was moving it. It was purely an accident! For those of you who haven't read the fine print on a mattress tag: "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW".
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I always love moving things from place to place in the house and helping Mrs. T with her home projects, but with tag in hand, I immediately informed Mrs. T that I must stop the moving project and report this to authorities! I told her it might take a long time to resolve this. I told her there was probably a "Bureau of Mattress Police" in Washington, D.C. She gave me "the look" and ordered me pick the mattress up and get moving now! She then assured me that she would visit me during my incarceration, if she could find the time in her busy schedule.
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I couldn't sleep for two reasons: 1) getting accustomed to new mattress 2) having an old mattress with no tag out in the garage. I got up in the middle of the night and replaced the tag. I used a lot of duct tape. Obviously, I didn't want it falling off. And, I placed the tag in the very center of the mattress, for the entire world to see. I also taped on an additional note: "TO WHOM IT CONCERNS: THIS WAS AN ACCIDENT!".
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If this goes to trial, I can only hope that the judge is male and he appreciates my use of duct tape. And hopefully, he is married. He might then find mercy, due to his own familiarity with shopping fever. I suspect it's a mostly unreported national epidemic, causing untold numbers of domestic disturbances, bringing chaos and havoc into the homes of middle class America.
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A man boarded a plane with eight kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
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Tired of always fielding this same question from strangers, he had developed a standard response: 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
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"My parents used to tell me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.' I tell my children, 'Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.'" -Thomas Friedman
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When insults had class:
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "I believe it's Wedding Cake?"
Friday Levity 07.18.2008
Last week I reviewed my trip to Washington, D.C. I forgot to mention that when riding the escalators in the subways, you will need to always stand on the right hand side. The natives seem to always be in a big hurry to get somewhere as they are continually running up and down the escalators. And if you are standing in their way, they are not shy to remind you that escalators are not for standing and riding on...
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Recently, I saw a screwdriver on the counter in the utility room. It was left there by one of my offspring. Of course, they originally found it in my toolbox in the garage. I suddenly realized that youngsters never put anything up because they simply remember where they last used something and that's where they go when they need it again. However, that doesn't work for me, because I can't even remember where I am now. However, I've learned how to get my revenge. Sometimes, when I'm bored, I go to their rooms and move stuff around. And I rearrange the piles of dirty and clean clothes on their floor. It really messes with their routines…they can't find anything!
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I recently met a lady on the road, driving her car while leaning forward, looking in the rearview mirror and applying makeup to her eyes. I don't EVEN have to tell you how wrong this is. Freaks me out every time I see it, especially when they are on my side of the road. If we can outlaw cell phones while driving, I think "makeup" should be added to the list. And tacos (i.e. lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and pieces of hamburger are distracting when trying to retrieve and eat the pieces from your lap and car seat). Oh, and let's not forget cigarettes. Although I don't smoke, I am confident that a lit cigarette dropping between the legs of a driver quickly causes driving to become a second priority…
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I would venture a guess that everyone has a place for keys. Perhaps a kitchen drawer. Or a big bowl (along with old pens, pencils with broken lead, sticks of old gum and a big pair of toenail clippers). Or maybe you have an actual key hanger/letter holder on the kitchen wall. Or maybe you have a mongo keychain. I recently checked my keychain and had three keys I didn't recognize. I could not remember what they were for. Americans seem to believe that we should save all keys because we JUST MIGHT need them some day. It's almost a religion. I immediately threw those three keys away. I was pumped. I immediately went to the kitchen and threw away some more keys that I didn't think we needed. It was exhilarating!!! Almost as exhilarating as the first time I was actually able to outrun my mother as she was trying to catch and spank me (she lost a step once she hit age 50!). I suggest you try throwing away some of your keys!
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I sure hope that none of those keys were actually needed by Mrs. T. She's religious about keeping things. Sheesh…now I'm thinking that there is a hellfire and brimstone sermon is in my future.
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A little boy had just started school. He was doing so well his grandfather took him to the zoo to celebrate.
As they stopped at each enclosure the Grandfather would asked the boy, "What's this?" It's a Lion," the boy replied. "That’s good," said Grandfather. "And what's this in the next one?" "Its tiger" replied the boy.
"Well done," said Grandfather "you're so clever. And what's the big one over there." "It's a fricking elephant." Said the boy gleefully. "What did you say," queried the Grandfather? "A fricking elephant," he repeated. "And where did you learn that?" asked Grandfather sternly. "Over there on the sign,” he replied pointing, ”A-f-r-i-can Elephant.”
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While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
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I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
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"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."---Milton Berle
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Seen recently in an advice column in the newspaper:
Q: What's the worst thing a wife can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning Sickness.
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A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."
.
Recently, I saw a screwdriver on the counter in the utility room. It was left there by one of my offspring. Of course, they originally found it in my toolbox in the garage. I suddenly realized that youngsters never put anything up because they simply remember where they last used something and that's where they go when they need it again. However, that doesn't work for me, because I can't even remember where I am now. However, I've learned how to get my revenge. Sometimes, when I'm bored, I go to their rooms and move stuff around. And I rearrange the piles of dirty and clean clothes on their floor. It really messes with their routines…they can't find anything!
.
I recently met a lady on the road, driving her car while leaning forward, looking in the rearview mirror and applying makeup to her eyes. I don't EVEN have to tell you how wrong this is. Freaks me out every time I see it, especially when they are on my side of the road. If we can outlaw cell phones while driving, I think "makeup" should be added to the list. And tacos (i.e. lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and pieces of hamburger are distracting when trying to retrieve and eat the pieces from your lap and car seat). Oh, and let's not forget cigarettes. Although I don't smoke, I am confident that a lit cigarette dropping between the legs of a driver quickly causes driving to become a second priority…
.
I would venture a guess that everyone has a place for keys. Perhaps a kitchen drawer. Or a big bowl (along with old pens, pencils with broken lead, sticks of old gum and a big pair of toenail clippers). Or maybe you have an actual key hanger/letter holder on the kitchen wall. Or maybe you have a mongo keychain. I recently checked my keychain and had three keys I didn't recognize. I could not remember what they were for. Americans seem to believe that we should save all keys because we JUST MIGHT need them some day. It's almost a religion. I immediately threw those three keys away. I was pumped. I immediately went to the kitchen and threw away some more keys that I didn't think we needed. It was exhilarating!!! Almost as exhilarating as the first time I was actually able to outrun my mother as she was trying to catch and spank me (she lost a step once she hit age 50!). I suggest you try throwing away some of your keys!
.
I sure hope that none of those keys were actually needed by Mrs. T. She's religious about keeping things. Sheesh…now I'm thinking that there is a hellfire and brimstone sermon is in my future.
.
.
.
A little boy had just started school. He was doing so well his grandfather took him to the zoo to celebrate.
As they stopped at each enclosure the Grandfather would asked the boy, "What's this?" It's a Lion," the boy replied. "That’s good," said Grandfather. "And what's this in the next one?" "Its tiger" replied the boy.
"Well done," said Grandfather "you're so clever. And what's the big one over there." "It's a fricking elephant." Said the boy gleefully. "What did you say," queried the Grandfather? "A fricking elephant," he repeated. "And where did you learn that?" asked Grandfather sternly. "Over there on the sign,” he replied pointing, ”A-f-r-i-can Elephant.”
.
.
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
.
.
I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
.
.
"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."---Milton Berle
.
.
Seen recently in an advice column in the newspaper:
Q: What's the worst thing a wife can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning Sickness.
.
.
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."
Friday Levity 07.11.2008
Mrs. T and I recently went to Washington, D.C. for a vacation. A fantastic place to visit and I would recommend it! Before leaving on the trip, I found it quite fascinating that both of my daughters (unbeknownst to each other), and in all seriousness, demanded that I be nice, behave myself and not antagonize the natives. My sons simply encouraged me to have fun and not get arrested. Very interesting gender specific perspectives by those who know me. I suppose they were essentially all saying the same thing.
Some of my observations:
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There are no longer any cab drivers of Caucasian ancestry. And, I can't prove it, but it seems there is a direct correlation in the number of cabs vs. the number of dishonest politicians. Needless to say, there are thousands of cabs! Getting a cab is never a problem. Communicating with the cab driver, however, can be. They seem to comprehend landmark names very well. You should speak loudly and clearly, almost as if yelling (KENNEDY CENTER!!!). Yelling seems to be how they communicate with each other. And cash. Cabbies understand our monetary system very well. Interestingly, regardless of age, gender or ancestry, cash seems to bring a smile to everyone's face, especially Mrs. T's. When she's having a bad day, I've always suspected she goes to the ATM for a "pick-me-up".
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A "nanosecond" is the amount of time between the traffic light changing and the person behind you honking their horn. Honking appeared to be its own form of communication, but not as a greeting (as here in the Ozarks), but rather, a warning of "pending road rage" (similar to the Princess Bride movie, in the Fire Swamp scene, the popping noise prior to the fire danger). Cabbies have zero tolerance for "rubber necking" and for people who have no idea where they are going. And, they seemed to have really embraced our right to freedom of speech, judging by the frequent use of their middle finger when communicating with me.
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When entering any building, you and your belongings will be x-rayed, searched and sometimes sniffed. If you have a problem with this, or if have a problem with being radioactive upon your return, you shouldn't go to Washington, D.C.
.
Street vendors take "business casual" to the extreme. Personal hygiene, including shaving, is definitely optional (women included). Bright, flowered Hawaiian shirts were common attire, which seemed quite ironic since we're about as far from Hawaii as one could get. However, I would recommend that big store chains take notice of the efficiency at which these vendors run their businesses in a small space. A combined department, convenience and grocery store being ran from an old, rusty full sized van from one of our big three auto makers (Chevy, Dodge and Ford). Very patriotic! I'm confident that Detroit is proud to know they dominate the "mobile vending market". Shirts, dresses, scarves, hats, jewelry, umbrellas, food items, narcotics, music CD's. It's truly amazing what can be sold from an old, rusty, full-sized, American-made van with its side missing. Awning required.
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Eating establishments can be difficult to find. And when you do finally stumble across them, you tend to be so hungry and exhausted that anything sounds good. Regardless of how hungry you are, I might suggest that you bypass the "Potbelly Deli" and "Burrito Bro's".
.
When gazing from Arlington Cemetery (in Virginia) across the Potomac River to the Lincoln Memorial (in Washington, D.C.), it doesn't appear to be too far away. Thus, we walked from Virginia to Washington, D.C. Of course, having never been to the Lincoln Memorial, we had no idea how massive it is. Taking a cue from my car's rearview mirror ("Objects may be closer than they appear"), and for the remainder of the trip, I repeated the following words to myself whenever I was tempted to walk instead of take the metro: "Buildings and monuments are never as close as they appear".
.
Elevators are well known for invading our personal space. However, the Metro (subway) takes that to a whole new level during rush hour. I recommend using the Metro….but not during rush hour. Rubbing elbows with the natives is fine with me. However, rub me with anything else and it really starts freaking me out. Avoiding eye contact was nearly impossible because there are just too many eyes. I quickly learned to close my eyes and pretend to sleep. I also breathed through my mouth, thus eliminating the ability to smell anything...
.
With regard to buildings, it is clearly obvious that "Bigger is Better". The buildings are truly massive. And it's readily apparent that granite or marble are the only choices allowed (i.e. I saw no A-Frame wood construction with vinyl siding!). Some of the restrooms even use marble in their stall partitions and privacy dividers!!! I really wanted to take a picture! However, I suppose there are times when not having a camera turns out to be a good thing. And, quite frankly, a guy snapping pictures in the men's restroom would probably make most men very uneasy...I know I would be...
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.
My doctor said I was paranoid... well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.
.
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Emery (Age 5) entertained us this week with another "Emery-ism" as reported by his mother Aimee :
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My son, Emery, came to me last night with a tightly rolled-up message asking for a bottle to put his message in. I informed him that we don’t have any – we’ve either packed it in anticipation of an end-of-month move or thrown it out. He trots off. Ten minutes later he comes back with a now-empty bottle of soy sauce excitedly telling me he found a bottle. Nice.
Some of my observations:
.
There are no longer any cab drivers of Caucasian ancestry. And, I can't prove it, but it seems there is a direct correlation in the number of cabs vs. the number of dishonest politicians. Needless to say, there are thousands of cabs! Getting a cab is never a problem. Communicating with the cab driver, however, can be. They seem to comprehend landmark names very well. You should speak loudly and clearly, almost as if yelling (KENNEDY CENTER!!!). Yelling seems to be how they communicate with each other. And cash. Cabbies understand our monetary system very well. Interestingly, regardless of age, gender or ancestry, cash seems to bring a smile to everyone's face, especially Mrs. T's. When she's having a bad day, I've always suspected she goes to the ATM for a "pick-me-up".
.
A "nanosecond" is the amount of time between the traffic light changing and the person behind you honking their horn. Honking appeared to be its own form of communication, but not as a greeting (as here in the Ozarks), but rather, a warning of "pending road rage" (similar to the Princess Bride movie, in the Fire Swamp scene, the popping noise prior to the fire danger). Cabbies have zero tolerance for "rubber necking" and for people who have no idea where they are going. And, they seemed to have really embraced our right to freedom of speech, judging by the frequent use of their middle finger when communicating with me.
.
When entering any building, you and your belongings will be x-rayed, searched and sometimes sniffed. If you have a problem with this, or if have a problem with being radioactive upon your return, you shouldn't go to Washington, D.C.
.
Street vendors take "business casual" to the extreme. Personal hygiene, including shaving, is definitely optional (women included). Bright, flowered Hawaiian shirts were common attire, which seemed quite ironic since we're about as far from Hawaii as one could get. However, I would recommend that big store chains take notice of the efficiency at which these vendors run their businesses in a small space. A combined department, convenience and grocery store being ran from an old, rusty full sized van from one of our big three auto makers (Chevy, Dodge and Ford). Very patriotic! I'm confident that Detroit is proud to know they dominate the "mobile vending market". Shirts, dresses, scarves, hats, jewelry, umbrellas, food items, narcotics, music CD's. It's truly amazing what can be sold from an old, rusty, full-sized, American-made van with its side missing. Awning required.
.
Eating establishments can be difficult to find. And when you do finally stumble across them, you tend to be so hungry and exhausted that anything sounds good. Regardless of how hungry you are, I might suggest that you bypass the "Potbelly Deli" and "Burrito Bro's".
.
When gazing from Arlington Cemetery (in Virginia) across the Potomac River to the Lincoln Memorial (in Washington, D.C.), it doesn't appear to be too far away. Thus, we walked from Virginia to Washington, D.C. Of course, having never been to the Lincoln Memorial, we had no idea how massive it is. Taking a cue from my car's rearview mirror ("Objects may be closer than they appear"), and for the remainder of the trip, I repeated the following words to myself whenever I was tempted to walk instead of take the metro: "Buildings and monuments are never as close as they appear".
.
Elevators are well known for invading our personal space. However, the Metro (subway) takes that to a whole new level during rush hour. I recommend using the Metro….but not during rush hour. Rubbing elbows with the natives is fine with me. However, rub me with anything else and it really starts freaking me out. Avoiding eye contact was nearly impossible because there are just too many eyes. I quickly learned to close my eyes and pretend to sleep. I also breathed through my mouth, thus eliminating the ability to smell anything...
.
With regard to buildings, it is clearly obvious that "Bigger is Better". The buildings are truly massive. And it's readily apparent that granite or marble are the only choices allowed (i.e. I saw no A-Frame wood construction with vinyl siding!). Some of the restrooms even use marble in their stall partitions and privacy dividers!!! I really wanted to take a picture! However, I suppose there are times when not having a camera turns out to be a good thing. And, quite frankly, a guy snapping pictures in the men's restroom would probably make most men very uneasy...I know I would be...
.
.
My doctor said I was paranoid... well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.
.
.
Emery (Age 5) entertained us this week with another "Emery-ism" as reported by his mother Aimee :
.
My son, Emery, came to me last night with a tightly rolled-up message asking for a bottle to put his message in. I informed him that we don’t have any – we’ve either packed it in anticipation of an end-of-month move or thrown it out. He trots off. Ten minutes later he comes back with a now-empty bottle of soy sauce excitedly telling me he found a bottle. Nice.
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