What follows are things I have read or heard this week. I believe they could be true. However, this is not for the faint of heart, so if you're the type who gets queasy when pulling a greasy hairball from the shower drain, you might want to stop reading now. You've been warned.
.
A co-worker (we'll call her Keanette Jlemin to protect what little innocence she has left) stopped at the local car wash in her hometown recently and discovered a man washing his car. He was wearing only a pair of Speedos. Since that day, fellow co-workers have observed that Keanette's vehicle has been washed every day. Apparently she has taken a new interest in car care.
.
Kenette's other experience for the week was the discovery of a man, passed out in the parking lot of a small grocery store in her hometown. He was naked from the waist down. And there was a bag of partially used marijuana next to him. Co-workers report that Kenette was greatly relieved to discover that she was the first on the scene, because it was a family member. She was able to salvage the contents of the bag and hide it before authorities arrived, which was a double bonus: no drug arrest and she could check his name off her Christmas gift list since she now had a gift for him.
.
Apparently, the "green" movement has some radical followers including those that conserve water by saving their shower water, boiling it and wash their dishes with it. One person commented that an alternative to this dish washing approach is to use the water from any second flush you might do. Another person followed up with a comment that both of these methods of dish washing could be avoided by simply having a golden retriever in the house.
.
.
Irish Humor:
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar (Hey, it could happen!!!)
.
.
Delicious Christmas Cookie Recipe
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts (your choice)
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle of Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp of sugar...beat again.
At this point, it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still fresh, try another cup...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the blasted fruit off the floor...
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt...or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!
Friday Levity 2008.12.12
For those who share a commute to work with someone, you know that the level of complexity, and the need for logistics, are dramatically increased, typically in direct proportion to the number of people sharing the commute. However, if you are lucky enough to share a commute with your spouse, the complexity and logistics are at a much different level. A higher level. A level where there is danger around every corner (no pun intended). A level which has populated the infamous "doghouse"for centuries. Quite frankly, ANY type of commute with a spouse and/or family members requires much diligence on the male's part, to avoid an extended stay in the doghouse.
.
I typically do not commute with MrsT but I did one day this week. And, I'm in the doghouse. It's actually Wal-Mart's fault , because she's very familiar with the store layout and she was in a hurry and she knew where everything is at WalMart (as she should since she is there so often!). But, alas, I've gotten ahead of myself. Let me backup and explain.
.
I didn't know we were going Wal-Mart until we were already on the road. We were already running late, but I was making good progress in overcoming the deficit. It was then that she informed me that she needed to get some medicine for her cold. I was okay with that. Like, let's get real, how was I going to argue with that??? As I pulled into the WalGreens parking lot, I suggested that we stop there since it has convenient parking by the front door and it was right on the way. MrsT informed me that she not only needed some medicine but also needed a holiday ornament for the gift exchange at her work holiday party, which, we would BOTH be attending that night (I'm come to the conclusion that a holiday work party is second only to a family reunion for the number of people you don't know and quite frankly, people you probably don't want to know). A holiday party that I had previously been told about, and which I been told I would be attending, but I had sort of forgotten about. So, here I am, running late for work, and NOW, I'm pulling out of the Walgreens parking lot, heading for Wal-Mart at 6:30am in the morning! To shop for holiday ornaments!!! If my 4 cylinder Honda Accord could have burned rubber, I probably would have done it! But instead, I had to settle for running through all five gears of my manual transmission within 5 seconds and 50 feet of the Walgreens parking lot. I rationalized to myself that I was driving so fast because a car almost ran over me from behind when I pulled out in front of it.
.
Unfortunately (for me), on the drive to Wal-Mart, I may have said a few things which were not in the holiday spirit. I seem to recall that I told her I was NOT going to participate in a gift exchange for stupid ornaments when we already had a tree full of ornaments! And I know I said some other things, but I can't recall them. I'm sure Mrs.T could give you the details of each and every thing I said. And you could ask her twenty years from now, and you would still receive that same level of detail.
.
Obviously, it was a time when I should have just kept quiet and drove the car. Actually, I should probably always just keep quiet and drive. And, if you combine all of this tension with her not feeling well, well, suffice to say, after the shopping was done, the remaining, but short commute to her workplace, was a frigid one. The door on my car might not ever be the same. I think it would be fair to say that she shut the car door with more gusto than normal, as she exited the car. But, hey, perhaps she was just pumped up and was excited about getting to work and she will forget the entire episode. I choose to believe that. It gives me hope and it makes my time in doghouse pass more quickly…
.
.
Some subject lines from Junk Mail received recently:
Triple-strength fat eraser!
Flush up to 20 excess pounds from your body!
Real Estate in Costa Rica
Become a Psychologist Online!
Your Psychology Degree is Ready!
Term Life insurance with no exam
Tired of the bar scene?
Need a Checking Account?
Dumb and poor? Here's a way to make money!
.
.
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n'Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chicah Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
.
.
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED...
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - - - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
.
I typically do not commute with MrsT but I did one day this week. And, I'm in the doghouse. It's actually Wal-Mart's fault , because she's very familiar with the store layout and she was in a hurry and she knew where everything is at WalMart (as she should since she is there so often!). But, alas, I've gotten ahead of myself. Let me backup and explain.
.
I didn't know we were going Wal-Mart until we were already on the road. We were already running late, but I was making good progress in overcoming the deficit. It was then that she informed me that she needed to get some medicine for her cold. I was okay with that. Like, let's get real, how was I going to argue with that??? As I pulled into the WalGreens parking lot, I suggested that we stop there since it has convenient parking by the front door and it was right on the way. MrsT informed me that she not only needed some medicine but also needed a holiday ornament for the gift exchange at her work holiday party, which, we would BOTH be attending that night (I'm come to the conclusion that a holiday work party is second only to a family reunion for the number of people you don't know and quite frankly, people you probably don't want to know). A holiday party that I had previously been told about, and which I been told I would be attending, but I had sort of forgotten about. So, here I am, running late for work, and NOW, I'm pulling out of the Walgreens parking lot, heading for Wal-Mart at 6:30am in the morning! To shop for holiday ornaments!!! If my 4 cylinder Honda Accord could have burned rubber, I probably would have done it! But instead, I had to settle for running through all five gears of my manual transmission within 5 seconds and 50 feet of the Walgreens parking lot. I rationalized to myself that I was driving so fast because a car almost ran over me from behind when I pulled out in front of it.
.
Unfortunately (for me), on the drive to Wal-Mart, I may have said a few things which were not in the holiday spirit. I seem to recall that I told her I was NOT going to participate in a gift exchange for stupid ornaments when we already had a tree full of ornaments! And I know I said some other things, but I can't recall them. I'm sure Mrs.T could give you the details of each and every thing I said. And you could ask her twenty years from now, and you would still receive that same level of detail.
.
Obviously, it was a time when I should have just kept quiet and drove the car. Actually, I should probably always just keep quiet and drive. And, if you combine all of this tension with her not feeling well, well, suffice to say, after the shopping was done, the remaining, but short commute to her workplace, was a frigid one. The door on my car might not ever be the same. I think it would be fair to say that she shut the car door with more gusto than normal, as she exited the car. But, hey, perhaps she was just pumped up and was excited about getting to work and she will forget the entire episode. I choose to believe that. It gives me hope and it makes my time in doghouse pass more quickly…
.
.
Some subject lines from Junk Mail received recently:
Triple-strength fat eraser!
Flush up to 20 excess pounds from your body!
Real Estate in Costa Rica
Become a Psychologist Online!
Your Psychology Degree is Ready!
Term Life insurance with no exam
Tired of the bar scene?
Need a Checking Account?
Dumb and poor? Here's a way to make money!
.
.
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n'Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chicah Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
.
.
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED...
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - - - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Friday Levity 2008.12.05
I went shopping on "Black Friday" with MrsT. And I went again the next day. I refer to it as "Black as Pitch Saturday". Apparently, MrsT felt it was her patriotic duty to personally stimulate the economy's recovery. And several major department stores have her to thank for being their being in the black. As per usual, my role was to speak if spoken to, offer no opinions unless asked and most importantly, take her purchases out to the car. But, on the bright side, I also got to do one of my favorite past times: "people watching at the mall". Wowzer. The human species never ceases to amaze me. We surely do come in all makes and models. One notable teenager had more hardware attached and embedded in his face that I had ever seen before. Ugly silver and gold rings pierced into his eyebrows, nose, lips, ears. It looked as if he had somehow survived a head on crash with the jewelry counter at the local pawn shop. I wouldn't want to know what else he had pierced. Thankfully the rest of his body was covered with an ugly black trench coat, baggy black clothes and it was all accessorized with a large assortment of silver dog chains and a greasy stocking cap. There might be better words to describe it all, but two come to mind: "troubling and disturbing". He didn't stop to chat and I doubt he would have wanted my objective opinion anyway. I also took this time of observing and reflection to work on my 2009 resolutions. I have three so far:
1) I would like lose weight so I can once again shop in the "Classic Fit" section for jeans instead of the "Relaxed Fit" section.
2) I'd like to be able to wear boot cut jeans again. Right now, my calf won't fit through the leg openings (this is commonly referred to as "Roller Syndrome").
3) I would like to be able to once again wear a tapered dress shirt. I was bored, so I went into a nice department store and tried one on. However, and despite several attempts, I could not get the shirt to stay down, over my belly. Instead, it looked like a long sleeved tube top. I'm sure most of you find this to be a very disturbing visual. Be assured that it's not nearly as disturbing as actually being in a tiny dressing room with a full length mirror and personally witnessing it…
.
.
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
.
.
Observations
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Real Newspaper Ads
Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
Wanted: Used paint.
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Never tickled.
1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.
Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Great Dames for sale.
Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
1) I would like lose weight so I can once again shop in the "Classic Fit" section for jeans instead of the "Relaxed Fit" section.
2) I'd like to be able to wear boot cut jeans again. Right now, my calf won't fit through the leg openings (this is commonly referred to as "Roller Syndrome").
3) I would like to be able to once again wear a tapered dress shirt. I was bored, so I went into a nice department store and tried one on. However, and despite several attempts, I could not get the shirt to stay down, over my belly. Instead, it looked like a long sleeved tube top. I'm sure most of you find this to be a very disturbing visual. Be assured that it's not nearly as disturbing as actually being in a tiny dressing room with a full length mirror and personally witnessing it…
.
.
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
.
.
Observations
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Real Newspaper Ads
Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
Wanted: Used paint.
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Never tickled.
1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.
Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Great Dames for sale.
Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)