The brains of men and women function differently. Males need to understand this very basic, but critical fact. It can help prevent stress in a relationship. Essentially, a good relationship depends on the male following two key rules: (1) Do not try to figure women out (2) Women are always right. Various doctors/authors have become rich dispensing such advice. Mine is free for the taking..
Let's examine two real life examples of how our brain processing differs: Cars and giving directions.
I, like most men, identify people by the cars they drive. Mrs. T's concept of cars primarily centers around the following: "Start, Go Fast, Stop Fast, Survival of the Fittest". Recently, she remarked that she had seen our friend Greg driving a big pickup. I knew Greg had been wanting to buy a pickup and I excitedly asked, "Was it new or used?" I got a look of disdain from Mrs. T. Knowing that Greg is a Dodge man, I immediately followed up with another question, "Was it a Quad Cab, Long Bed, 4x4?" "I think it was red", she replied. Later, Mrs. T asked if I knew the Browns who had recently moved to our town. I pondered a moment, and then asked, "Do they drive a white Chevy minivan?” She replied with, "I think it's a van, but not sure if it's mini. Actually, I'm not even sure it's a van. But whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's white. And I think it has some kind of blue sticker in the back windshield".
I recently volunteered to go pick up something for Mrs. T at a store in a neighboring city. She was busy doing laundry and cleaning the house and I didn't have anything going on, so I volunteered to go. I asked her for directions to the store.
"Go down Glenstone street and then turn by that dry cleaning store", she said. (NOTE: In her direction vocabulary, "Down" = "South" although she doesn't realize it). "
"That dry cleaning store?", I asked.
"Yes, the one by that cashew chicken place", she replied.
"There are thirty cashew chicken places on Glenstone. Which one would that be?", I asked.
"By the Steak and Shake", she replied.
At this point, I was fairly confident I could get in the right vicinity, because I knew there was only one Steak and Shake on Glenstone. I secretly wished she had just started with Steak and Shake and skipped the dry cleaning and cashew chicken.
"Okay, which way do I turn when I get to the dry cleaning store?", I asked.
"Left", she replied. (NOTE: Down=South thus Left=East. She never uses compass coordinates when giving directions!)
"Okay, how far East do I go? And is the store on the North or South side of the road?", I asked.
"Oh, just go until you see that convenience store and turn right", she replied.
"Right…so you mean turn South, correct?", I asked.
"Ummm, sure", she replied.
"So, this convenience store that I'm supposed turn right by…what's the name of it?", I asked. I knew from experience that there are at least two convenience stores per block.
"It has a yellow sign", she replied. "And I think it might have a red roof", she added.
"A yellow sign and red roof?", I asked.
"Yep, it's across from street from that place that has big wire fence around it", she replied.
"I don't suppose you have a street name and address?", I asked.
"Nope, but I think the name of the street begins with "S". Just turn right by the convenience store with a yellow sign across the street from that place with a big wire fence and then it's just down the street on the right in that little strip mall. It's next to that tattoo place that sells exotic fish with purple neon lights in the front window".
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I decided to take her with me. I secretly believe it's a ploy by women to insure they always get to go...
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Q Why are spiders considered to be the most trendy of all insects?
A Duh, they have their own websites!!!
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A Sheriff ambles in to the local saloon & says. 'I'm lookin' for the Brown Paper Bandit'. The saloon owner asks 'What does he look like?' 'He's got a brown paper hat, brown paper boots, brown paper clothes & a brown paper horse' The Saloon Owner asks 'What's he wanted for? The Sherrif replies 'Rustlin'.
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Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Parent: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
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Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Rodney Lee about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Rodney Lee said, "Ummmm…actually, we went to Ohio."
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Little Johnny tries political correctness:
Little Johnny came home from school and told his parents he had gone on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building that day. His parents didn't think much about it until they received a phone call later that evening from his teacher who was wanting to visit about Johnny getting sent to the principal's office again for misbehaving in class.
Friday Levity 04.18.2008
As most of you know I have two daughters. The oldest is through college, employed and married. The other is in college, unemployed (most of the time) and not married (she better not EVEN be thinking about marriage yet! I can't afford it and neither can she!). Thus, both gals are away from home most of the time except when they come home for a day or two on the weekend to spend quality time with me and Mrs. T. Secretly, I suspect they are actually home for the free food and laundry service, but I don't question why as long as they show up once in a while. They do call during the week at various times (no scheduled times of course!). It's nice to hear from them when they finally think of their parents and decide to call us. But they ALMOST NEVER call me unless they have exhausted all other contacts. They ALWAYS try Mrs. T's cell phone first. And if they are forced to call the house phone, and if I answer, I suspect they're behind the "hang up" calls I get. And at times, I have suspected them of disguising their voices and acting like a telemarketer, knowing that I'll hang up on them immediately. It seems they would rather talk with Mrs. T about clothes they don't have but want to buy, department store sales that are happening (or about to happen), the intelligence (or lack thereof) of the male species. And they giggle and laugh about things I don't even want to know about. Even though I'm not involved in the conversations, it is very easy to tell that their conversations contain TMI (Too Much Information) especially with regard to female complications, female products and female biology. On those very rare occasions when they do actually talk to me, I want to know if their cars are making any strange noises, have they checked the oil in their car, have they changed the oil recently, are the tires property inflated, do the tires need rotated, have they washed the salt off the car (in the winter), do they have an ice scraper (in the winter) and is the insurance card in the glove box. And if motor oil or beef jerky are on sale, I let them know where. I suppose I'm just too practical for the female mind…
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Actual answers from students on music tests:
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
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Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything they say happens at home."
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6th Grader History Notes:
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
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Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
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I'm a high-school geometry teacher, and I started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles."
I noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why.
"Well," he replied sincerely, "I'm waiting until you start speaking English
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Student course reviews at semester end
= The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam.
= The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.
= I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree.
= Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose-spraying in all directions-no way to stop it.
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A college student wrote a letter home:
Dear folks,
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask you for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
Your son,
Marvin.
P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.
A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came."
Friday Levity 04.11.2008
An American cultural icon is on the verge of becoming extinct. The ice CUBE. Before you dismiss me entirely, give me a chance. You know why it's called an ice cube? Because of its shape! It's supposed to be in a CUBE shape! CUBES are a great shape for ice! What's happened to good old fashioned ice cubes? Ice makers in refrigerators! I despise them. These makers don't make ice cubes!!! They make annoying "ice half-circles"!!! Seldom do I ever fail to drop at least one on the floor while trying to get a heaping handful of them in my glass. It's a stupid design and difficult to hang on to. A piece of ice in a half circle shape is not natural. And I hate it when they create a log jam when they conform to the round shape of my glass, requiring me to stick my finger in the glass to rearrange them, or continually shake the glass in an attempt to rearrange the ice. And, invariably this log jam causes me to spill my drink on me while attempting to take a drink. Mrs. T says my inability to grasp these half-circles of evil, nor my inability to drink without drooling, has NOTHING to do with the shape of the ice, but rather, it has EVERYTHING thing to do with my genes. On numerous occasions, she has tried unsuccessfully to throw away my old blue Wal-Mart ice CUBE trays...I always find them and dig them out of the trash (there are benefits to be responsible for taking the trash out to the curb each week!). We need those blue ice trays…there is NO way I'm going to play a part in the demise of this piece of Americana. And without those trays, Kool-Aid cube pops would be the next piece of Americana to go. And besides, Kool-Aid poured in an ice maker doesn't work well…I can't believe Mrs. T got so upset…I thought the colored ice we had for weeks was kind of pretty...
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I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin. Three hours later they were still walking around with it. I thought to myself: "Those idiots have lost the plot."
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"Being rich may not make you happy, but at least you can buy your own brand of misery."
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My neighbor works in the I.T. department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a bloke in one of the branches who had this question:
'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire in the main frame?'
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
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The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
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The new priest tries this.
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The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
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The new priest says those things, trying them out.
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The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'Oh wow, no way! What happened next?'
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I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin. Three hours later they were still walking around with it. I thought to myself: "Those idiots have lost the plot."
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"Being rich may not make you happy, but at least you can buy your own brand of misery."
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My neighbor works in the I.T. department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a bloke in one of the branches who had this question:
'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire in the main frame?'
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
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The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
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The new priest tries this.
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The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
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The new priest says those things, trying them out.
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The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'Oh wow, no way! What happened next?'
Friday Levity 04.04.2008
Yogi Berra, famous baseball player and coach for the New York Yankees is well known for his utterances, often referred to as "Yogi-isms" (http://www.yogiberra.com/yogi-isms.html). "I really didn't say everything I said” is probably one of his most famous. Last evening, I heard a Yogi-ism from my future daughter-in-law who was visiting out at the house (I presumed she was getting away from the dorm food and studying). She was talking about how tired she was and how she needed to get some sleep and somewhere in the conversation she said "I just can't sleep without an alarm clock to look at". I told her it was freaky for a person to sleep with their eyes open. She didn't appreciate my wit. I got the customary look of disdain (she learned it from Mrs. T).
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This incident caused me to recall a Yogi-ism that happened in one of my previous lives. A group of my co-workers were working an all-nighter trying to meet deadlines and one guy came to the war room about 2am in the morning and stated that he had fixed a major bug. When asked what the bug was, he stated "I wasn't deleting a file that didn't exist". We sent him home to get some sleep.
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Before you start feeling sorry for my future daughter-in-law….don't. Last night, she wandered into the kitchen and saw me eating dill pickles. She looked at me quizzically. I stated, "I attribute my wit and intelligence to eating dill pickles every day". She looked at her fiancé (my son) and said, "Remind me not to eat dill pickles ever again".
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And if you're continuing to feel sorry for Mrs. T…don't. While I was preparing to leave for work this morning, I picked up my cell phone from the kitchen counter and its audible prompt (i.e. the female robot voice) loudly exclaimed, "Your battery is critically low!". Mrs. T was passing by at the time and as she continued down the hallway and without stopping or looking back, she nonchalantly stated, “It seems we've found yet another person who is in agreement with me. I've been saying that about you for a long time"…
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THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
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The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
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The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
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Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
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The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
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In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
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The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
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Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
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GENERATION GAP
Some college students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles: 'Shovel Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"
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HINT: For you youngsters who don't have a clue as to what that joke is about, the name of the two songs should have been "Shuffle Off To Buffalo" and "Honeysuckle Rose".
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This incident caused me to recall a Yogi-ism that happened in one of my previous lives. A group of my co-workers were working an all-nighter trying to meet deadlines and one guy came to the war room about 2am in the morning and stated that he had fixed a major bug. When asked what the bug was, he stated "I wasn't deleting a file that didn't exist". We sent him home to get some sleep.
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Before you start feeling sorry for my future daughter-in-law….don't. Last night, she wandered into the kitchen and saw me eating dill pickles. She looked at me quizzically. I stated, "I attribute my wit and intelligence to eating dill pickles every day". She looked at her fiancé (my son) and said, "Remind me not to eat dill pickles ever again".
.
And if you're continuing to feel sorry for Mrs. T…don't. While I was preparing to leave for work this morning, I picked up my cell phone from the kitchen counter and its audible prompt (i.e. the female robot voice) loudly exclaimed, "Your battery is critically low!". Mrs. T was passing by at the time and as she continued down the hallway and without stopping or looking back, she nonchalantly stated, “It seems we've found yet another person who is in agreement with me. I've been saying that about you for a long time"…
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THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
.
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
.
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
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GENERATION GAP
Some college students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles: 'Shovel Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"
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HINT: For you youngsters who don't have a clue as to what that joke is about, the name of the two songs should have been "Shuffle Off To Buffalo" and "Honeysuckle Rose".
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April Fool - My First Entry
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These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. And, say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new member s and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaignslogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
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Quote:
"I long to accomplish great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker." -- Helen Keller
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