Potato Chips. Another nemesis. I can't eat just one, unless there was only one in the bag when I started. In my opinion, a single chip left in the bag is one of life's gravest social blunders. Quite frankly, there can only be two acceptable excuses for leaving a single chip in the bag: You fell asleep or you passed out.
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I often use chips as an appetizer while waiting for Mrs.T to cook my supper. If she doesn't like me eating them as an appetizer, she should cook faster. I also have chips as an early evening snack. And for a late evening snack. And, sometimes, a middle of the night snack. MrsT doesn't like it me eating chips because she thinks they raise my blood pressure. I've tried hinting to her that it isn't the chips that raising my blood pressure. I have come to the conclusion what our society needs a new law, requiring that all jewelry stores prominently display a sign next to the engagement/wedding rings: "Permanently increases blood pressure in the male species". The high blood pressure begins with the discussion of a ring, it continues through the process of shopping for the ring and then continues through the process of paying for the ring. And, quite frankly, you never stop paying for that ring...
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Seen in the classifieds:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bugger. Bites!
FREE ; ; ;PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able
to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG . Looks like a rat . Been out a while. Better be
a big reward!
COWS,CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDICTRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie .
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything
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Several years ago, when I lived in Nigeria, I was once pulled over in Lagos by a large and very irate traffic cop.
“What color am I ?” he demanded.
I stammered in embarrassment, and mumbled something like, “Black” or “Dark Brown”.
“No I am not,” he cried, without a hint of humor.
“When I am like this” - and he raised his right palm above his head - “I am red”.
And then, waving his palm backwards over his shoulder, he added, “and when I am like this I am green.”
“Do not drive past me again when I am red!!!”
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Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, your favorite drink in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
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A Friday Riddle:
Q: What is 40 years old, in denial, glares at you when threatened, glares at you when not threatened, stomps its feet when mad, stomps it feet when demanding your attention, threatens you when cornered, threatens you when not cornered and is continually using postures and gestures in an attempt to make itself appear taller than it will never be?
A: My co-worker Rhonda in Human Resources has the answer to this riddle. And while you're there, wish her a happy birthday (Nov 26).
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Friday Levity 2008.11.14
I have a nemesis. Well, okay, as you might suspect, I have many. But one in particular will probably haunt me the rest of my life: Lids on containers. Especially lids on containers in the refrigerator. And most especially, lids which screw on. My entire family accuses me of NEVER replacing lids correctly. I personally suspect that my children intentionally leave lids loose, just to watch me get in trouble with MrsT. I will be the first to admit that I perhaps have not put a lid back on...once…MAYBE twice…but is it fair that I get the blame EVERY time? Recently, a jar of pickles overturned in the refrigerator, but it wasn't discovered for awhile because it was WAY in the back behind all the leftovers and it apparently leaked very slowly. Ha! The lid was MOSTLY on! Thus, IF I were actually guilty of this incident, then I should have gotten some credit! Ultimately, there was pickle juice from top to bottom in the refrigerator, including those silly drawers at the bottom which hold healthful stuff that we never eat anyway. It was also ruled that I was at fault for placing the jar on the top shelf, instead of in the door where it belonged. Did I do it? I can't recall. Old age is the pits because I can seldom defend myself because I can seldom remember anything. In these kangaroo trials, I typically have hecklers (my children and their insignificant others) who enjoy observing the judge (MrsT) deliver a swift, immediate and guilty verdict. Seriously, what is the big deal about some pickle juice in the refrigerator? I personally thought it was very pleasing to the senses to open the door and have the smell of dill pickles wafting out…
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak - now you say, "Control Freak who?"
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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak - now you say, "Control Freak who?"
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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Friday Levity 2008.11.07
I was headed out one evening to take a walk and as per usual, MrsT wanted to go with me. She always wants to go with me. Go figure. I like to think it's because she's crazy about me. Realistically, she's probably just crazy. I waited impatiently while she put on her shoes and reflective vest and applied lip gloss protection and sunscreen (although it was almost dark outside). We were FINALLY headed for the door when she paused to browse the daily mail on the kitchen counter. After a few moments, she continued on toward the door but paused once again, this time to browse $1 rebate form on the table...she had received it as a result of her spending $1000 at the mall (she had also received a 10% off coupon for her next visit so she was stoked!). My patience had expired, and I informed her that she was A-D-D (Attention Deficient Disorder). She calmly returned the rebate form to the table, nonchalantly headed for the door once again and stated, "I think you are B-U-T". I'm not a doctor, and I hadn't slept at a Holiday Inn Express recently, but I was pretty confident that she wasn't trying to flatter me with her diagnosis of my behavior. In fact, she concluded her diagnosis by informing me that she could add another "T" on the end of her diagnosis if I was having any trouble understanding my affliction.
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One of my co-workers told me that he wished he could meet MrsT the next time she was in the office visiting me. I suspect that he thinks I take editorial liberties with regard to MrsT. Because he is a male and because he is one of my co-workers means that he already has two strikes against him. He should be careful what he wishes for...
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JoeG, a fellow co-worker is leaving us today. You gotta love a guy that got ordained on the Internet, who wears a smile almost all of the time and has a BIG BLUE FLAME tattoo on his forearm! Suffice to say, Joe has a different "slant" on life. I don't think anyone (including Joe) has quite figured out what that slant is all about, but there is no doubt that he's slanting! Father Joe, I wish you the best. Break-a-leg!
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This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there isn't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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What do you call a monkey in a minefield ? A BaBoom!
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Boss To Employee: Why aren't you working?
Employee: I didn't see you coming.
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FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS
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Behind every successful woman is herself.
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Oh my gosh, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!
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Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a tea bag … you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
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I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
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So many men, so few who can afford me.
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Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
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Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
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I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
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Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
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Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.
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Do not start with me. You will not win.
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All stressed out and no one to choke.
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I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
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How can I miss you if you won't go away ?
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Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
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If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
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One of my co-workers told me that he wished he could meet MrsT the next time she was in the office visiting me. I suspect that he thinks I take editorial liberties with regard to MrsT. Because he is a male and because he is one of my co-workers means that he already has two strikes against him. He should be careful what he wishes for...
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JoeG, a fellow co-worker is leaving us today. You gotta love a guy that got ordained on the Internet, who wears a smile almost all of the time and has a BIG BLUE FLAME tattoo on his forearm! Suffice to say, Joe has a different "slant" on life. I don't think anyone (including Joe) has quite figured out what that slant is all about, but there is no doubt that he's slanting! Father Joe, I wish you the best. Break-a-leg!
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This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there isn't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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What do you call a monkey in a minefield ? A BaBoom!
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Boss To Employee: Why aren't you working?
Employee: I didn't see you coming.
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FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS
.
Behind every successful woman is herself.
.
Oh my gosh, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!
.
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a tea bag … you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
.
So many men, so few who can afford me.
.
Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
.
Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.
.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
.
I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
.
How can I miss you if you won't go away ?
.
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
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If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
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