Mrs. T never passes up a chance to remind me I'm old. Recently, I took a few days of vacation to work around the house and enjoy the great Fall weather. As she was leaving for work one morning, she said, "Don't do any stupid or dangerous today". In my younger days, that would have meant climbing up in trees with a chainsaw or hanging from the roof to repair a top story window. Now it means standing on a step stool to change a light bulb or bending over to tie my shoes or not wearing my seat belt....pffft...I bet I'm the only guy who has a seat belt on his riding lawnmower…just because I fell asleep ONE time while mowing the yard. Sheesh. I wonder why she even cares about my safety other than my 401K keeps building in value. However, with the recent economy, I've noticed she's been encouraging me to mow and mulch several times a week...and ironically, she has stopped reminding me to buckle up…hmmm…and she reminded me last night that our security light, located at the very peak of our very tall roof, is burned out and should be changed...
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I got stopped by a policeman recently. He completely understood my reasoning for erratic driving when I explained that just because I was behind the wheel, it was Mrs. T who was actually doing all the driving, as per usual. Of course, it helped that my son is on the police force and his fellow officers had the inside scoop on Mrs.T. I asked the young officer what he was doing to do if he ever had to stop Mrs.T, to which he replied, "Call for backup".
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It's Halloween, and I expect my co-worker Roy to come by my desk with his annual observation: "So, you dressed up as a grumpy old man again? Great costume!" He's one of the big reasons why we stopped letting people from the Netherlands into the United States. We just cannot take a chance of having any more Roys here.
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A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right."
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"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kind of like being the guy on a date." --Caroline Rhea
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"In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there were actually, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study." ---Dave Barry
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Friday Levity 2008.10.03
My elderly neighbor lady called last evening. She and her husband live just down the road from me. They had heard through the grapevine about my recent snake slayings and they had some questions. She first wanted to know if it was true that I had found snakes in my garage. After giving her the details, I heard her quietly reply, "Oh my" (as if contemplating quietly to herself). There was an awkward silence. Suddenly, I could hear her husband in the background. He tends to speak very loudly and is very animated. He was telling her to ask me what I use to kill the snakes. I told her I use a long handled shovel. She quickly relayed my answer to him. I then heard him asking, "What about a hoe? Will a garden hoe work?". Before she could relay his question back to me, and because I could clearly hear him in the background, I replied, "Yes, a garden hoe works just fine".
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"So you…". "How…". I could sense she was struggling to ask me how I actually do it, so I interrupted and said as nonchalantly as possible, "Just chop their head off. Sometimes, the head doesn't get completely chopped off, but it should be enough to kill them. Just don't pick up the head with your fingers because it will potentially have venom on it". She replied with another, but louder, "Oh my". I could hear her husband in the background, excitedly asking, "What? What? What did he say?". She relayed my statement to her husband. I could sense their apprehension was growing. She then asked, "But what if you're out walking and don't have your shovel?". Again, nonchalantly and very calmly, I replied, "I use a big rock". She replied with, "So, umm..so...”. Once again, I sensed she was struggling to ask, so I interrupted and said, "You just mash their head with the rock". Once again, her reply was "Oh my”.
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Her husband was still in the background asking, "What? What did he say?" I continued on, telling her that she should of course stay out of range so the snake can't strike her. "Oh my yes", she replied. I quickly added, "They typically can't kill a human, but it would sure make you sick. However, they would sure put the whammy on that little dog of yours". "Ohhhhh my Lord yes", she exclaimed. Like most family dogs, their little dog is just another member of the family to them. She then stated they are always with the dog when it's outside, thus it should be safe. Hesitantly, but with conviction, I replied, "Wellllllll, not necessarily. One of our other neighbors had a dog get bitten while sticking its nose under some flowers and the neighbors were standing right there at the time it happened". "Oh my, oh my", she replied.
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A double "Oh my" was an indication to me that I should probably try to say something to try and calm her fears. I could hear her husband excitedly asking, "What? What?". I wasn't sure what to say so I did the best I could. I told her to keep the garage and outside doors closed and to watch where the dog sticks its nose, and they all should be fine and if they do get bitten, they should not panic but instead, should get to an emergency room as soon as possible for some anti-venom. "Ohhh, yes, yes, my yes, we will, we will…yes that's a good idea", she replied nervously. She thanked me for the info and hung up the phone.
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As I hung up the phone, all this talk of snakes made me wonder if now would be a good time for the "rubber snake in the mailbox" practical joke routine. Of course, I wouldn't do it to my neighbor. But it would be great fun to see MrsT's reaction if she were to find a snake in our mailbox. However, a practical joke shouldn't cause someone to die. And quite frankly, I don't relish the thought of having Mrs.T hunt me down and kill me over a practical joke...
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Banks in Japan are suffering too. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. The Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
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"Vegetarian" is a word with Native American origins. It means "lousy hunter".
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What does one say to a dog named Minton who has an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks? Bad Minton!
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"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
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A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
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A repeat, but a good one:
At the Olympics, a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole and asked,
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?".
The competitor replied, "Nein, I am German. But how did you know my name ist Walter?"
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"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien
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"So you…". "How…". I could sense she was struggling to ask me how I actually do it, so I interrupted and said as nonchalantly as possible, "Just chop their head off. Sometimes, the head doesn't get completely chopped off, but it should be enough to kill them. Just don't pick up the head with your fingers because it will potentially have venom on it". She replied with another, but louder, "Oh my". I could hear her husband in the background, excitedly asking, "What? What? What did he say?". She relayed my statement to her husband. I could sense their apprehension was growing. She then asked, "But what if you're out walking and don't have your shovel?". Again, nonchalantly and very calmly, I replied, "I use a big rock". She replied with, "So, umm..so...”. Once again, I sensed she was struggling to ask, so I interrupted and said, "You just mash their head with the rock". Once again, her reply was "Oh my”.
.
Her husband was still in the background asking, "What? What did he say?" I continued on, telling her that she should of course stay out of range so the snake can't strike her. "Oh my yes", she replied. I quickly added, "They typically can't kill a human, but it would sure make you sick. However, they would sure put the whammy on that little dog of yours". "Ohhhhh my Lord yes", she exclaimed. Like most family dogs, their little dog is just another member of the family to them. She then stated they are always with the dog when it's outside, thus it should be safe. Hesitantly, but with conviction, I replied, "Wellllllll, not necessarily. One of our other neighbors had a dog get bitten while sticking its nose under some flowers and the neighbors were standing right there at the time it happened". "Oh my, oh my", she replied.
.
A double "Oh my" was an indication to me that I should probably try to say something to try and calm her fears. I could hear her husband excitedly asking, "What? What?". I wasn't sure what to say so I did the best I could. I told her to keep the garage and outside doors closed and to watch where the dog sticks its nose, and they all should be fine and if they do get bitten, they should not panic but instead, should get to an emergency room as soon as possible for some anti-venom. "Ohhh, yes, yes, my yes, we will, we will…yes that's a good idea", she replied nervously. She thanked me for the info and hung up the phone.
.
As I hung up the phone, all this talk of snakes made me wonder if now would be a good time for the "rubber snake in the mailbox" practical joke routine. Of course, I wouldn't do it to my neighbor. But it would be great fun to see MrsT's reaction if she were to find a snake in our mailbox. However, a practical joke shouldn't cause someone to die. And quite frankly, I don't relish the thought of having Mrs.T hunt me down and kill me over a practical joke...
.
.
.
Banks in Japan are suffering too. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. The Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
.
.
"Vegetarian" is a word with Native American origins. It means "lousy hunter".
.
.
What does one say to a dog named Minton who has an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks? Bad Minton!
.
.
"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
.
.
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
.
.
A repeat, but a good one:
At the Olympics, a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole and asked,
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?".
The competitor replied, "Nein, I am German. But how did you know my name ist Walter?"
.
.
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien
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