Friday Levity 2008.10.03

My elderly neighbor lady called last evening. She and her husband live just down the road from me. They had heard through the grapevine about my recent snake slayings and they had some questions. She first wanted to know if it was true that I had found snakes in my garage. After giving her the details, I heard her quietly reply, "Oh my" (as if contemplating quietly to herself). There was an awkward silence. Suddenly, I could hear her husband in the background. He tends to speak very loudly and is very animated. He was telling her to ask me what I use to kill the snakes. I told her I use a long handled shovel. She quickly relayed my answer to him. I then heard him asking, "What about a hoe? Will a garden hoe work?". Before she could relay his question back to me, and because I could clearly hear him in the background, I replied, "Yes, a garden hoe works just fine".
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"So you…". "How…". I could sense she was struggling to ask me how I actually do it, so I interrupted and said as nonchalantly as possible, "Just chop their head off. Sometimes, the head doesn't get completely chopped off, but it should be enough to kill them. Just don't pick up the head with your fingers because it will potentially have venom on it". She replied with another, but louder, "Oh my". I could hear her husband in the background, excitedly asking, "What? What? What did he say?". She relayed my statement to her husband. I could sense their apprehension was growing. She then asked, "But what if you're out walking and don't have your shovel?". Again, nonchalantly and very calmly, I replied, "I use a big rock". She replied with, "So, umm..so...”. Once again, I sensed she was struggling to ask, so I interrupted and said, "You just mash their head with the rock". Once again, her reply was "Oh my”.
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Her husband was still in the background asking, "What? What did he say?" I continued on, telling her that she should of course stay out of range so the snake can't strike her. "Oh my yes", she replied. I quickly added, "They typically can't kill a human, but it would sure make you sick. However, they would sure put the whammy on that little dog of yours". "Ohhhhh my Lord yes", she exclaimed. Like most family dogs, their little dog is just another member of the family to them. She then stated they are always with the dog when it's outside, thus it should be safe. Hesitantly, but with conviction, I replied, "Wellllllll, not necessarily. One of our other neighbors had a dog get bitten while sticking its nose under some flowers and the neighbors were standing right there at the time it happened". "Oh my, oh my", she replied.
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A double "Oh my" was an indication to me that I should probably try to say something to try and calm her fears. I could hear her husband excitedly asking, "What? What?". I wasn't sure what to say so I did the best I could. I told her to keep the garage and outside doors closed and to watch where the dog sticks its nose, and they all should be fine and if they do get bitten, they should not panic but instead, should get to an emergency room as soon as possible for some anti-venom. "Ohhh, yes, yes, my yes, we will, we will…yes that's a good idea", she replied nervously. She thanked me for the info and hung up the phone.
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As I hung up the phone, all this talk of snakes made me wonder if now would be a good time for the "rubber snake in the mailbox" practical joke routine. Of course, I wouldn't do it to my neighbor. But it would be great fun to see MrsT's reaction if she were to find a snake in our mailbox. However, a practical joke shouldn't cause someone to die. And quite frankly, I don't relish the thought of having Mrs.T hunt me down and kill me over a practical joke...
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Banks in Japan are suffering too. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. The Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
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"Vegetarian" is a word with Native American origins. It means "lousy hunter".
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What does one say to a dog named Minton who has an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks? Bad Minton!
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"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
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A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
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A repeat, but a good one:

At the Olympics, a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole and asked,
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?".

The competitor replied, "Nein, I am German. But how did you know my name ist Walter?"
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"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien