Friday Levity 04.25.2008

The brains of men and women function differently. Males need to understand this very basic, but critical fact. It can help prevent stress in a relationship. Essentially, a good relationship depends on the male following two key rules: (1) Do not try to figure women out (2) Women are always right. Various doctors/authors have become rich dispensing such advice. Mine is free for the taking..

Let's examine two real life examples of how our brain processing differs: Cars and giving directions.

I, like most men, identify people by the cars they drive. Mrs. T's concept of cars primarily centers around the following: "Start, Go Fast, Stop Fast, Survival of the Fittest". Recently, she remarked that she had seen our friend Greg driving a big pickup. I knew Greg had been wanting to buy a pickup and I excitedly asked, "Was it new or used?" I got a look of disdain from Mrs. T. Knowing that Greg is a Dodge man, I immediately followed up with another question, "Was it a Quad Cab, Long Bed, 4x4?" "I think it was red", she replied. Later, Mrs. T asked if I knew the Browns who had recently moved to our town. I pondered a moment, and then asked, "Do they drive a white Chevy minivan?” She replied with, "I think it's a van, but not sure if it's mini. Actually, I'm not even sure it's a van. But whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's white. And I think it has some kind of blue sticker in the back windshield".

I recently volunteered to go pick up something for Mrs. T at a store in a neighboring city. She was busy doing laundry and cleaning the house and I didn't have anything going on, so I volunteered to go. I asked her for directions to the store.
"Go down Glenstone street and then turn by that dry cleaning store", she said. (NOTE: In her direction vocabulary, "Down" = "South" although she doesn't realize it). "
"That dry cleaning store?", I asked.
"Yes, the one by that cashew chicken place", she replied.
"There are thirty cashew chicken places on Glenstone. Which one would that be?", I asked.
"By the Steak and Shake", she replied.
At this point, I was fairly confident I could get in the right vicinity, because I knew there was only one Steak and Shake on Glenstone. I secretly wished she had just started with Steak and Shake and skipped the dry cleaning and cashew chicken.
"Okay, which way do I turn when I get to the dry cleaning store?", I asked.
"Left", she replied. (NOTE: Down=South thus Left=East. She never uses compass coordinates when giving directions!)
"Okay, how far East do I go? And is the store on the North or South side of the road?", I asked.
"Oh, just go until you see that convenience store and turn right", she replied.
"Right…so you mean turn South, correct?", I asked.
"Ummm, sure", she replied.
"So, this convenience store that I'm supposed turn right by…what's the name of it?", I asked. I knew from experience that there are at least two convenience stores per block.
"It has a yellow sign", she replied. "And I think it might have a red roof", she added.
"A yellow sign and red roof?", I asked.
"Yep, it's across from street from that place that has big wire fence around it", she replied.
"I don't suppose you have a street name and address?", I asked.
"Nope, but I think the name of the street begins with "S". Just turn right by the convenience store with a yellow sign across the street from that place with a big wire fence and then it's just down the street on the right in that little strip mall. It's next to that tattoo place that sells exotic fish with purple neon lights in the front window".
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I decided to take her with me. I secretly believe it's a ploy by women to insure they always get to go...
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Q Why are spiders considered to be the most trendy of all insects?
A Duh, they have their own websites!!!
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A Sheriff ambles in to the local saloon & says. 'I'm lookin' for the Brown Paper Bandit'. The saloon owner asks 'What does he look like?' 'He's got a brown paper hat, brown paper boots, brown paper clothes & a brown paper horse' The Saloon Owner asks 'What's he wanted for? The Sherrif replies 'Rustlin'.
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Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Parent: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
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Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Rodney Lee about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Rodney Lee said, "Ummmm…actually, we went to Ohio."
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Little Johnny tries political correctness:
Little Johnny came home from school and told his parents he had gone on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building that day. His parents didn't think much about it until they received a phone call later that evening from his teacher who was wanting to visit about Johnny getting sent to the principal's office again for misbehaving in class.