Friday Levity 04.04.2008

Yogi Berra, famous baseball player and coach for the New York Yankees is well known for his utterances, often referred to as "Yogi-isms" (http://www.yogiberra.com/yogi-isms.html). "I really didn't say everything I said” is probably one of his most famous. Last evening, I heard a Yogi-ism from my future daughter-in-law who was visiting out at the house (I presumed she was getting away from the dorm food and studying). She was talking about how tired she was and how she needed to get some sleep and somewhere in the conversation she said "I just can't sleep without an alarm clock to look at". I told her it was freaky for a person to sleep with their eyes open. She didn't appreciate my wit. I got the customary look of disdain (she learned it from Mrs. T).
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This incident caused me to recall a Yogi-ism that happened in one of my previous lives. A group of my co-workers were working an all-nighter trying to meet deadlines and one guy came to the war room about 2am in the morning and stated that he had fixed a major bug. When asked what the bug was, he stated "I wasn't deleting a file that didn't exist". We sent him home to get some sleep.
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Before you start feeling sorry for my future daughter-in-law….don't. Last night, she wandered into the kitchen and saw me eating dill pickles. She looked at me quizzically. I stated, "I attribute my wit and intelligence to eating dill pickles every day". She looked at her fiancé (my son) and said, "Remind me not to eat dill pickles ever again".
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And if you're continuing to feel sorry for Mrs. T…don't. While I was preparing to leave for work this morning, I picked up my cell phone from the kitchen counter and its audible prompt (i.e. the female robot voice) loudly exclaimed, "Your battery is critically low!". Mrs. T was passing by at the time and as she continued down the hallway and without stopping or looking back, she nonchalantly stated, “It seems we've found yet another person who is in agreement with me. I've been saying that about you for a long time"…
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THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


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Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
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The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
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The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
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Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
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The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
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In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
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The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
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Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
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GENERATION GAP
Some college students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles: 'Shovel Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"
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HINT: For you youngsters who don't have a clue as to what that joke is about, the name of the two songs should have been "Shuffle Off To Buffalo" and "Honeysuckle Rose".
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