Friday Levity 2008.12.05

I went shopping on "Black Friday" with MrsT. And I went again the next day. I refer to it as "Black as Pitch Saturday". Apparently, MrsT felt it was her patriotic duty to personally stimulate the economy's recovery. And several major department stores have her to thank for being their being in the black. As per usual, my role was to speak if spoken to, offer no opinions unless asked and most importantly, take her purchases out to the car. But, on the bright side, I also got to do one of my favorite past times: "people watching at the mall". Wowzer. The human species never ceases to amaze me. We surely do come in all makes and models. One notable teenager had more hardware attached and embedded in his face that I had ever seen before. Ugly silver and gold rings pierced into his eyebrows, nose, lips, ears. It looked as if he had somehow survived a head on crash with the jewelry counter at the local pawn shop. I wouldn't want to know what else he had pierced. Thankfully the rest of his body was covered with an ugly black trench coat, baggy black clothes and it was all accessorized with a large assortment of silver dog chains and a greasy stocking cap. There might be better words to describe it all, but two come to mind: "troubling and disturbing". He didn't stop to chat and I doubt he would have wanted my objective opinion anyway. I also took this time of observing and reflection to work on my 2009 resolutions. I have three so far:
1) I would like lose weight so I can once again shop in the "Classic Fit" section for jeans instead of the "Relaxed Fit" section.
2) I'd like to be able to wear boot cut jeans again. Right now, my calf won't fit through the leg openings (this is commonly referred to as "Roller Syndrome").
3) I would like to be able to once again wear a tapered dress shirt. I was bored, so I went into a nice department store and tried one on. However, and despite several attempts, I could not get the shirt to stay down, over my belly. Instead, it looked like a long sleeved tube top. I'm sure most of you find this to be a very disturbing visual. Be assured that it's not nearly as disturbing as actually being in a tiny dressing room with a full length mirror and personally witnessing it…
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"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
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Observations

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.


Real Newspaper Ads

Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.

Wanted: Used paint.

Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Never tickled.

1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.

Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.

Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.

Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.

Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.

For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Great Dames for sale.

Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.