Friday Levity 07.25.2008

I may have committed a very serious crime this week. Ironically, I didn't sleep at all. Why ironic? Read on.
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My eldest son was a witness. He could have easily committed the crime if not for the winds of good fortune in his sails. His only response: "Uh oh...you're in BIG trouble now!”, followed by much laughing. He was obviously very shaken.
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I suppose I'm now considered a fugitive, although law enforcement hasn't been notified yet. Quite frankly, I don't know who to report the crime to. Local law enforcement? FBI? Department of Urban Affairs? Mrs. T doesn't seem to be concerned about my life of crime. Although, she did ask if my 401K would still be in play even if I were in prison upon retirement age.
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Some background on the situation:
Mrs. T had gotten another severe case of "shopping fever" this week. I tried various things to ward it off (e.g. waving cash under her nose, hoping the smell of U.S. currency would get her over the fever). However, through her own self diagnosis over the years, she has discovered there is really only one tried and tested cure for this affliction: the sound of a credit card being swiped through a reader and the sight, sound and smell of freshly printed receipts.
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Thus, as per usual, I'd like to try and blame this entire incident her her. I was happy with our 25 year old mattress, but she wanted a new one! She reminded me that it was 25 years old when we first got it from the flea market. Details, details. As you might have guessed by now, I accidentally tore the tag off our old mattress as I was moving it. It was purely an accident! For those of you who haven't read the fine print on a mattress tag: "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW".
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I always love moving things from place to place in the house and helping Mrs. T with her home projects, but with tag in hand, I immediately informed Mrs. T that I must stop the moving project and report this to authorities! I told her it might take a long time to resolve this. I told her there was probably a "Bureau of Mattress Police" in Washington, D.C. She gave me "the look" and ordered me pick the mattress up and get moving now! She then assured me that she would visit me during my incarceration, if she could find the time in her busy schedule.
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I couldn't sleep for two reasons: 1) getting accustomed to new mattress 2) having an old mattress with no tag out in the garage. I got up in the middle of the night and replaced the tag. I used a lot of duct tape. Obviously, I didn't want it falling off. And, I placed the tag in the very center of the mattress, for the entire world to see. I also taped on an additional note: "TO WHOM IT CONCERNS: THIS WAS AN ACCIDENT!".
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If this goes to trial, I can only hope that the judge is male and he appreciates my use of duct tape. And hopefully, he is married. He might then find mercy, due to his own familiarity with shopping fever. I suspect it's a mostly unreported national epidemic, causing untold numbers of domestic disturbances, bringing chaos and havoc into the homes of middle class America.
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A man boarded a plane with eight kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
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Tired of always fielding this same question from strangers, he had developed a standard response: 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

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"My parents used to tell me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.' I tell my children, 'Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.'" -Thomas Friedman
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When insults had class:

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "I believe it's Wedding Cake?"