Friday Levity 08.29.2008

I'm disturbed. I doubt this self analysis comes as a big surprise to anyone that knows me. Fueling my ongoing instability is continually finding things full or empty. It's very troubling.

Things that bother me when full:

• The kitchen trash can. It's ALWAYS full when I go to toss something in it. How can this be?
• A child's bedroom floor (clothes, CD's, electronic devices, mattress, books, food, dishes, etc.)
  
• The floorboard, ashtrays, cupholders and seats in a child's car. Trash (e.g. fast food wrappers), stale food (e.g. french fries), shoes, clothes, a bag of food from last week's trip to Wal-Mart, textbooks used (or never used) several years ago, ATM receipts, other receipts…the list is endless
  
• The sweeper bag
  
• The top of the pool table in our basement (it's evolved into a large, flat, multi-level, horizontal storage area)
  
• Wal-Mart on a Saturday
  
• Mouse traps
  
  

Things that bother me when empty:

• Ice cube trays in the freezer
  
• Milk jug in the fridge
  
• Ice cream box in the freezer
  
• Gas jug for the lawn mower
  
• The gas tank of a child's or spouse's vehicle when I go to drive it
  
• Cereal box in the cupboard
  
• PopTart box in the cupboard
  
• Peanut butter jar
  
• Bread wrapper on the kitchen counter (okay, okay…it actually has the two heels in it, which is the same thing as empty)
  
• Jelly jar
  
• Shampoo bottle (of course, I'm already in the shower before I discover this)
  
• Soap dish (again…typically already in shower before discovering)
  
• Paper towel holder
  
• TP holder (again, typically already on the…ummm…never mind)
  
• Coffee pot in the breakroom (it's ALWAYS empty…how can this be?)
  
• Beef jerky bag
  
• Potato chip bag (okay..a few crumbs in the bottom = empty)
  
• Gravy bowl (when I get ready for seconds/thirds)
  
• Dirty clothes basket in child's bedroom (see "full" items list re: bedroom floor)
  
• Rat poison container
  

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An to no one's surprise, there are things that I want neither full nor empty, because if too full, you can't find anything anyway and if empty, it's not being utilized:

• Cupboards
  
• Fridge
  
• Freezer
  
• Attic
  
• Storage closets
  
• Kitchen drawers (especially the one containing all the pieces and parts such as mixer beaters, BBQ applicator brush, ice pick, ice cream scoop, rat poison, etc.)

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
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"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?" --Emo Philips
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Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England, "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country...the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British nonsense," says Joe. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and rude.'

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."