Friday Levity 05.09.2008

People often ask me why I park so far from the door at work. I explain that it's part of my overall health and exercise plan. After their customary snickering/laughing subsides, I typically attempt to further explain that a few extra steps a day will add up over the years and I want to lose fifty pounds by retirement. Right now, I’m on track to retire at age 115. On my daily parking lot walk over the years, I've noticed that employee parking habits are very similar to way people park themselves in pews at church. There are the "hardcore" parkers that always park in the same spot every time, much like elderly Mrs. Jones who has sat in the same spot in the same pew for a hundred years (I've heard rumors that Mrs. Jones is in a legal battle with the church in her attempts to "will" her pew position to her heirs). Then there are the "Treasure Hunters". It's a new world every day as they look for the elusive "best available parking spot". They are often giddy with excitement if a parking space close to the door is found. Unfortunately, they often park in the spot of a hardcore person, which can cause workplace friction. It's the responsibility of these treasure seekers to know where the hardcore people park and avoid those spots. Next, are the "fair weather" parkers. They pretend to be hardcore, but if there is a chance of inclement weather, they turn into treasure hunters. You know who you are Crystal Courter (as always I swapped the first character of the first and last name to help protect the actual person's identity). And finally, there are the hellish angels who ride their scooters and "bikes"…they have no parking agendas…their bikes are parked as if they were abandoned in the midst of a Chinese fire drill...they don't care…they're bikers…just stay out of their way and there will be no problems. Men wearing leather clothing greatly concerns me, but that's another story for another day. And, of course, sporadically, a visitor wanders into our world, they have no idea where to park, thus, they will typically receive forgiveness for their social blunders…a "mes faux pas dans la vie" (the mistakes I made in my life). The elderly Mrs. Jones has been known to inform a person they are sitting in her spot in the pew and she will then proceed to tell the visitor to move. And the same will happen to anyone who parks in my spot out in the back forty next to the smelly trash dumpster with its pungent juices seeping from within. It’s my spot. Leave it alone.
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Yeah, hardly worth my time going home, is it?
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
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Father Patrick replied sarcastically, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for animals in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
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Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $50,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
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Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus…why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? Of course we can do the service!"
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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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The funeral had concluded, everyone was gone except the pastor and the husband who had remained by the gravesite quietly visiting. Suddenly, several lightning strikes occurred followed by loud, rolling, booming thunder. The little old man paused, looked heavenward and casually commented to the pastor, "Well, looks like she made it".