Friday Levity 05.30.2008

The "New" family reunion (sounds like a good name for a folk/bluegrass/gospel band from Arkansas). The reunion was held, as always, on Memorial Day weekend in Liberal, Missouri. Liberal is the typical farming community small town where the downtown, uptown and suburbs are all at the same location and when taking a tour, you know you're finished when the paved road becomes a gravel road and tractors/combines outnumber the cars on the road.
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Fortunately, I did not have to take Uncle Garland's place this year (something I posed as a possibility in my last blog entry). This was a good thing considering Mrs. T had warned me that it would be the last thing I ever did. I think she was referring to the last thing I would ever do in my life, not just the reunion. Thankfully, other members of the family stepped up to the plate this year.
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First, there was Aunt Jane who has gone mostly deaf and talks three times louder than she needs to. Additionally, she now has a cyst in her nose which causes her to have a total nasal blockage. And we now all know how to remove a cyst from the nose, because she described in gory detail, her upcoming operation to remove the cyst. With her nasal passages blocked, she sounds EXACTLY like the "Momma" character from the movie "Throw Momma From The Train". I fully expected Billy Crystal and Danny DeVito to show up on the train running on the tracks behind the park pavilion. The first time she yelled "Pass the salt!" everyone thought she was going to kill someone. It was all a bit unnerving until you acclimated yourself to her yelling and having to place your lips on her ear before she could hear you talking. I avoided eye contact and had nothing to say to Aunt Jane.
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There was cousin Johnny who is a "big feller" (6'4'", 300+ lbs, HUGE belly). He's a talker. And storyteller. The most troubling story this year involved his little old neighbor lady calling him in the middle of the night because a burglar was breaking into her house. Johnny grabbed his big .357 magnum (that's a pistol in case you're wondering) and he ran out of his house wearing ONLY his boxers and a pair of knee high rubber boots. He held the person at gunpoint until the police arrived. I wanted to tell Johnny that a gun probably wouldn't have been necessary. I know personally that I couldn't move for several minutes after envisioning him wearing only boxers and rubber boots. I firmly believe I went into shock. If it had actually happened to me in person, I'm confident that I would not have moved for quite some time.
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And finally, the biggest news of the day: A male member of the family showed up with not one, but TWO women he had met on the Internet. As you can imagine, it was a shocker. And they were sharing pictures and stories. As you can probably imagine, it is still the talk of the family. Because they were late in arriving, I only got to visit with them for three hours. You probably think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Uncle Garland would have been proud…
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CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
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A tough old cowboy told his grandson that the secret to long life was sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning.

The grandson did so religiously and sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 93.

When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a five metre hole ion the wall of the crematorium
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When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please." I'm still not married…I've realized women can never be pleased.
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A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."