Friday Levity 06.06.2008

First, a clarification from my entry last week. The two women from the Internet who showed up at the New family reunion were history buffs who were studying the history of small towns in Missouri. The man that brought these ladies is also a history buff (he's married to Mrs. T's sister). He has several websites devoted to small towns in that area, thus they all had met each other on one of his websites. Now I'm not sure what you all were thinking when I said a guy showed up with two women he'd met from the Internet and they were sharing pictures, but I doubt that you thought they were studying history of small towns. Tsk, tsk. Regardless, Uncle Garland would have still been proud to go tell his buddies at the truck stop about it. And I doubt that he would have mentioned the history stuff. .
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I was in the yard last evening, innocently and nonchalantly pulling weeds. My eldest son wandered by and asked if I was in trouble. As per usual, I was thinking slowly and didn't catch what he was inferring and in my usual intelligent way of communicating I asked, 'Huh?", to which he replied, "You're pulling weeds. I assumed you were in trouble". Pffft. It's bad to have a reputation that precedes you. He's the same son that will randomly laugh out loud when Mrs. T has her backed turned to us, causing her to turn and glare at ME as she WRONGFULLY assumes that I was saying or doing something behind her back. And he just laughs and laughs and laughs, enjoying every second of it, as I attempt to unsuccessfully defend my innocence. I can't deny he got his sick sense of humor from me…I just wish he wouldn't use it against me. . .
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As you can hopefully see, I deal with a lot of adversity and consequently, my body continues its rapid decline. Some people assume I have wrinkled skin due to my age. Wrong. I believe it's somehow a direct correlation to being in "hot water" all the time. And I can only blame my grey hair on my teenagers, because I never had grey hair before I had teenagers. And my extra weight can only be blamed on Mrs. T because she gets upset if I don't take a second helping of food every time I eat (especially if it's a new recipe!) as she WRONGLFULLY assumes I don't like her cooking any time I don't take seconds. Perhaps I just wasn't hungry when I refused that second helping of her new recipe of spinach and egg quiche! Perhaps quiche is very filling to me! And just because she found me in the kitchen five minutes later, eating potato chips, is NO cause to accuse me of faking being full of quiche! Can't a guy get hungry again in five minutes? Pffft. I'm going to start keeping a bag of chips stashed in the garage…checking the oil in cars can make a person very hungry......
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Kids Are Quick____________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' _________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ______________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________ . .
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
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Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
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I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
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Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
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Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac
George Carlin
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I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
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How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by...