Friday Levity 06.13.2008

I've been in the doghouse for most of this week, which probably comes as no surprise to anyone. It seems, in a man's life, if it involves a female (e.g. mother, girlfriend, wife, daughters) there is a very fine line between saying too much and saying too little. And, as you might imagine, I crisscross that line quite often, usually with great fanfare. I'm extensively married (i.e. married a long, long time!) and I still haven't learned the fine art of staying out of the doghouse. There are times when I know I should just keep quiet, but I just can't (e.g. "Can't you clean up after yourself WHILE you cook instead of trying to dirty every bowl and dish in the house?") . And then there are times I know I should say something, but I just can't make myself say it (e.g. "I know you like that outfit. Buy it! Let's not worry about how much it costs") . And then, there are times when I say something with a great beginning but a dismal ending (e.g. "Sure, go ahead and go shopping for clothes. Have fun! It's not like you JUST went shopping last week and I have no idea why you need to go again."). And sometimes there are times I really do try to state my feelings, but fail miserably (e.g. "If YOU think that outfit looks good, then you're the one that has to wear it, and you're the one that needs to be happy wearing it, so feel free to buy it if you want to").
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It seems quite ironic that I hear the most complaints about my "lack of conversation", and yet, conversations are where I often get into the most trouble. I'm a work in progress, and obviously, it's a lengthy project . I hope the project survives any premature, show stopping deadlines (emphasis on "prematurely dead").
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I did something this week that I've never done before. I created a new word!!! "Conern". It's a noun. It's a person who is a "concern" and also "a few strokes short of sharp blade" . Visualize a ConeHead who greatly concerns you because he's going to say or do something to screw things up. Example Usage: "He's a conern". Feel free to use it. But if you don't mind, let me be the one to contact Mr. Webster…I'm sure it will quickly become a part of our culture. I know it has at my house. Mrs. T latched onto it immediately. And because I invented it, I like it a lot better than those other things she calls me...
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If you're sitting in a traffic jam watching the minutes tick away and you've decided honesty isn't the best policy for you, think of a believable and acceptable reason you're walking in late. After all, if you were a hiring manager who heard any of these real-life excuses for being late, you'd be suspicious, too.

1. While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.
2. My route to work was shut down by a presidential motorcade.
3. I have transient amnesia and couldn't remember my job.
4. I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.
5. I was trying to get my gun back from the police.
6. I didn't have money for gas because all of the pawnshops were closed.
   

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My friend often complained that his wife needing to be more organized, paying attention and staying focused. He recently had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, and he boasted, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath." I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."