Friday Levity 05.23.2008

Memorial Day weekend. The "New" family reunion. It is Mrs. T's mother's side of the family. Yeah. Believe it. And, yes, "New" is their real name. I always thought "New" was an interesting name. When a baby is born, do they announce that "We have a new New baby?" (go ahead and try it…say it out loud...it makes you sound like you have a speech impediment…if nothing else, it makes you look goofy as you purse your lips). When our kids were young, they always went to this reunion. Well, actually, they had no choice. Now that they're older, they refuse to go. My oldest son would rather have a root canal. No wait, even worse. He'd rather go clothes shopping for an entire day with Mrs. T. Now that the kids are older, they just refuse to go. I too refuse to go!!! And each year as I attend the reunion, I am guaranteed four things will always happen. And these four things involve Uncle Garland. Uncle Garland isn't a "New". He married a "New". Garland can best be described as an bib overall wearing ex-truck driver who smokes like a chimney, is loud, obnoxious and sounds as if he's totally wasted (drunk) all the time. However, he doesn't drink. He just sounds like it. The four things that Garland will always do:
(1) Make a very loud comment, for ALL to hear, about the size of his wife's butt and he will conclude by saying "and from the looks of the other New sisters, it must be inherited"
(2) He will very loudly announce he is going to tell a crude joke, and he will then do so
(3) He will sit at the same table, same seat and talk constantly (even if no one is sitting there with him), never getting up except for food, bathroom or smoke break
(4) He will sing the country classic "All My Ex's Live In Texas" (usually with a cigarette dangling from his lips)
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This year will be different though. Uncle Garland passed away. He always wanted to be taken to the cemetery on a trailer pulled behind an eighteen wheeler. He got close. The hearse broke down and we all had to wait at a truck stop for a different hearse to come get him. I'll always suspect he enjoyed that.
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I am thinking about taking Uncle Garland's place this year. I have some bib overalls, but I will need to get some cigarettes. I'm going to try it one time. And if I survive, I'm thinking I won't have to go next year because Mrs. T won't let me. Please don't tell Mrs. T about my plans…I want it to be a big surprise. My kids are going to be sorry they missed this...
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Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "Good grief! - how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first - it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house - it was Momma Bear who made the coffee - it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, & put everything away- it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper - it was Momma Bear who set the table - it was Momma Bear who put the blasted cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's food & water dish AND, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs to grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence --- listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.....
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I HAVEN'T MADE THE B L O O D Y PORRIDGE YET!!"
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"Father's date of birth?" the nurse asked, while gathering information after my son's birth. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"

"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."
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Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush
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