Friday Levity 05.16.2008

This week, I was provoked by a member of our counsel. And I responded. I suppose this might be considered walking on thin ice, but, but no more so than arguing with our HR representatives or other co-workers, which seems to occur on a regular basis. My defense for arguing and harassing people? People are always provoking me. How do they provoke me? Typically they ask how Mrs. T is doing. Or they will ask if I've been mowing or pulling weeds this week. Or they'll ask if the women of the family have been shopping recently. This week, I was provoked in yet another way. Simee Amashey (name changed to protect myself) sent me an e-mail asking if another employee (Mnn Ailes) was available for some extra work duties that afternoon. I responded to the e-mail, saying Mnn rarely does anything for me, and in fact, I rarely see Mnn, thus, if you can use her in your area and get any work out of her, go ahead with it and good luck. Of course, Mnn doesn't work in my department. And, the e-mail was actually intended for the other distinguished, tall, dark and handsome Ken (we two Ken's are often mistaken for each other…however, it’s easy to know the difference…he alternately wears a sling on his left and right arms). If Simee doesn't want me responding to her e-mail, she should stop sending it to me. In response to my response, Simee called me a "rascal" and stated that "her admiration and respect for Mrs. Toler grows every day". Quite frankly, I typically have a very difficult time interpreting legal talk, but in this case, I’m confident she wasn't trying to flatter me by bragging on Mrs. T. As you can clearly see in this very real example, I was provoked, I then responded and suddenly, Mrs. T is being put on a pedestal and I'm being slandered by a lawyer. Surreal and ironic…a brief, yet accurate synopsis of my life. As a side note, I have discovered that Ms. Simee has a real passion for our US constitution. To those who know her, I dare you to send her a joke about the constitution and/or otherwise question or misquote the constitution. Double dog dare you. No, wait…I triple dog dare you. Let me know how that goes. If doing it in person, I would recommend taking a few steps back before you begin...
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One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy," she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"
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THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
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My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
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My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to slap you into the middle of next week!'
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My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why .'
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My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
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My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
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My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
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My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
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My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
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My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
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My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
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My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
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My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
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My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
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My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
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My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
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My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
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My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
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My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
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My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'
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My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
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My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
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My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
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My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
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And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
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On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."