Friday Levity 09.19.2008

I've discovered a new way to completely clean and sanitize my entire BBQ grill. We Americans love our grills, but they can become a real grease pit, unless you're very diligent with your cleaning (which most of you ARE NOT!). There is grease buildup in the lid. And down the sides of the grill. And down in the bottom of the grill. And the underneath side of the grates. Yikes! This past weekend, I had gone outside and cleaned the "top" side of the grates (one should always clean the top side of the grates!). I had lit the grill for pre-heating and then returned to the kitchen to retrieve the meat, utensils and sauces. My son-in-law, who was sitting in the family room, nonchalantly asked if I was burning something outside. I looked out my family room windows and witnessed thick, dark smoke boiling past the windows. The smoke was so thick I couldn't see anything else but smoke!!! I ran outside to find my grill TOTALLY engulfed in flames (grease is very flammable you know!). But hey, I essentially killed two birds with one stone: I had removed all the old grease and I had disinfected the entire grill. However, I would suggest moving your grill away from the house ...
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I've killed three copperhead snakes around my house over the past week. I average about 4-5 killings per year. After years of experience, I consider myself an expert snake slayer. Steve Irwin wouldn't have appreciated my personal view on the conservation of poisonous snakes. Two of these serpents were discovered on the road between my house and a ravine. I suppose they were moving to the ravine for winter, but quickly met their demise at the hands of this ninja rock chucker. The third snake was in my garage, and she was the second biggest one I've ever killed. I actually took trophy pictures afterwards. I had walked within inches of her several times while I was cleaning and organizing my garage (i.e. hiding things from Mrs. T). When I finally saw her, she was curled up against the closed garage door. I soon introduced her to the business end of a long handled shovel (my favorite weapon of choice). However, I didn't want to kill her in the garage because they emit a very strong odor when killed (I suppose I would too if someone was cutting off my head with a shovel) There are people who can actually smell a live copperhead when one is in the vicinity! As for me, I typically stumble around and find them by mistake, usually after having almost stepped on them several times. I didn't want to run across the garage to press the button to open the door, fearing she might slither off and hide somewhere in my garage. So I yelled for Mrs.T and asked her to come open the garage door. I was going to scoop the snake out of the garage and kill it on my driveway. All went well. Mrs.T didn't panic and did her job well. Unlike her Grandma back in the depression of the 1930's. Mrs.T's Grandpa could pick up a snake by the tail, crack it like whip, effectively snapping its head off. Once, in the middle of the night, they heard the chickens cackling and obviously disturbed. Grandpa went to investigate. Eggs were a valuable commodity and they didn't want to lose chickens nor eggs to predators such as raccoons and foxes. Grandma decided to get up and go with Grandpa. He let her carry the lantern and he was carrying the gun. They soon discovered a HUGE snake in the chicken house. Grandpa could see its tail sticking out from underneath a shelf, so he decided to grab it and snap its head off. Just as he grabbed the snake, Grandma, knowing what was about to happen, ran out the door, taking the lantern with her, leaving Grandpa alone in total darkness, holding a snake who was trying to introduce itself to Grandpa. Grandma didn't get to carry the lantern anymore after that…


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Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Paddy says, 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken'

Operator 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street'

Operator 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence.

After a few seconds, operator asks, 'Are you there sir?' Silence.

A few more seconds elapse: Operator asks, 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'

This goes on for another few minutes until:- Operator 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me!!?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street'.

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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

*You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

*No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10



WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10



**HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8



****WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8



WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9


*WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8


*IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8 (just LOVE this one)


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10