Friday Levity (2010.02.26)

Mrs. T and I had some time to kill yesterday between appointments. I was driving and she was telling me where to go. She’s very good at that. We went to the mall. She announced that she was going to “Bath, Body and Beyond” to buy some “stuff” she “needed”. I headed to the clearance racks at JC Penney to buy some stuff that I “need”, but only if it was on clearance. I found a sport coat that was GREAT deal! Seventy percent off! However, I had to wait on Mrs. T’s approval before purchasing. And, she likes to use her JC Penney card because that triggers something in their database which causes them to send her more stuff such as coupons and flyers (essentially, it’s another cult she belongs to). She was gone a VERY long time. I knew in my heart this was not a good thing. She finally showed up. And she readily agreed that I should buy the coat. I should have know her quick approval was not a good thing. We paid and as we were leaving the store, she told me that she had been “looking” at some things and wanted me to go and “look” at them. Her previous “quick approval” was now explained. I was subjected to an hour of “parading” as she tried on what seemed to be every item in the store, each time accompanied by a chorus of “oooo” and “ahhhhh” from the female sales associates. And each time she would ask me “What I thought?”…she would be surrounded by four sales associates, cheerfully smiling and nodding their heads in approval. At least the store had a place for me to sit down. If I ran a women’s clothing store, I would provide couches, big screen and stocked refrigerator for “guys in waiting”. We left the store with two jackets, slacks and more. She had once again successfully applied her Golden Rule of shopping: “One for him, more for me”.

We then moved on to “The Buckle”. And I don’t know why they call it the “buckle. I didn’t see any belts with buckles. I didn’t see any shoes with buckles. However, the goth girl that met us at the door had a buckle in her eyebrow. For those of you who claim I never step outside my comfort zone, you can shuddup now. The goth gal had more hardware in her face than I had ever seen on a girl. I assumed she was a girl. Sometimes it’s hard to really know with the short black goth hair and black goth baggy clothes. I didn’t ask her/him/it for gender verification. We were shopping for a pair of blue jeans for a member of our family. I picked a pair and looked at the price tag. It was $120.00. Suddenly, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I asked the goth gal if the $120.00 price included anything else besides the jeans. She looked at me like I was an alien from outer space. And, quite frankly, I felt like alien from outer space. The jeans had holes in them! And they were faded and paper thin! I quietly tried to tell Mrs. T that we could buy a pair of nice Wrangler jeans at Wal-Mart for about $25.00. I didn’t want to cause the goth girl to go postal, so I tried to be discreet when saying this to Mrs. T. However, Mrs. T dismissed me with a wave of her hand. And to add insult to injury, it was the hand in which she was holding her credit card.

I left and went to Anne’s Hallmark store. I read some of their new “Get Well” cards and browsed their latest inventory of “Precious Moments” figurines. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. It was very calming and soothing and it lasted until Mrs. T showed up and told me that we were going to “Express”. I thought, perhaps, she was trying to talk really cool to me, and she was implying that we were going to “leave the mall really fast”. I was wrong. And I soon returned to Anne’s. . .

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Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.

A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.

"Nothing," he answered.

"Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed."


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A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.

"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!