Friday Levity (2010.02.12)

The dogs were howling. Mrs. T was howling. And I was crumpled in a fetal position on the bedroom floor, with sharp, stabbing, tingling pains shooting up and down the left side of my body. The alarm clock was dangling in midair, next to my head, blaring obnoxiously. Not a good way to start a day.

Typically, I am wide awake before the alarm ever goes off, but this morning, I was asleep. As I swung my arm up to turn off the alarm, which sits on the headboard above my head, I found out too late the entire left side of my body was still asleep, essentially turning my arm into a heavy battering ram which crashed into the wall above the headboard, then crashed down on top of the alarm clock. I fumbled to find the buttons on the alarm with my useless, numb fingers and knocked it off the headboard. But instead of crashing to the floor, it was caught in midair by the power cord, causing it to swing and crash into the wall several times. I struggled to get out of bed and found out too late that my left leg was also asleep. I stumbled, and crashed into the wall, finally crumpling to the floor. The dogs, I’m sure, thought intruders were breaking through the walls of our house and probably thought Mrs. T was being attacked because she was screaming like a banshee…she was telling me to turn that %^#&# alarm clock off. . .like I didn’t know it needed to be turned off??? I’ve taken steps to ensure this scenario does not happen again. However Mrs. T and I are disagreeing about the duct tape. I personally don’t think it looks bad. I DO know that ^#&# alarm clock isn’t going to fall off again. . .

Recently, I have been encountering a guy that I met several years ago, but hadn’t seen for a long time. He’s a cashier at a local quick stop where I buy gas. He’s a great guy. He always calls me Michael. That’s fine, even though that’s not my name. I’m thinking he might be hanging around the gas pumps too much. I am an authority on petro fumes, having had some extensive childhood experiences, but that’s another story for another day. I have never corrected him. I’m not sure why. I suppose I don’t want to offend him or hurt his feelings. Besides, I’ve been called a lot worse, especially by Mrs. T. and her family. And, I can’t really blame the guy too much, because there is a guy named Michael that shares my last name. He’s my younger brother. Michael has blonde hair, blue eyes. I have dark hair, dark eyes. And I weigh 150 pounds more than Michael. But, hey, I suppose we could be mistaken for each other. I’m pretty sure the guy knows my brother, otherwise, where would he have come up with the name Michael? I often wonder if he also calls my brother Michael too. And I wonder if he’s ever curious why my parents named two of their sons Michael. I bet he’d like to meet my two brothers named Sheldon . .

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Some funnies forwarded my way this week:
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I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"
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A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool... "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
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"I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone.”

My husband says, 'Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?'

'Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.'" --Rita Rudner
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"A list has been published of the foods that are most likely to expose you to infectious disease, and surprisingly all of them are healthy foods like leafy greens and fresh fruits. In other words, America is gonna be just fine." -Conan O'Brien