Friday Levity (01.15.2010)

We keep our artificial Christmas tree in the attic, above the garage. It has now been put up again for another year. That’s one of my two jobs with regard to Christmas trees. I drag it out each year (i.e. I climb the ladder up into the attic, drag the box containing the tree, across the rafters, positioning the box above the hole in the ceiling and letting gravity take over as it slides down the ladder until it falls to one side or the other and crashes into garage floor. I then drag it to the family room). My other job I to put it up each year. Essentially, I position it on the attic ladder and start pushing/cramming/cussing it up through the hole in the ceiling until teeters on the first rafter it finds and gravity does the rest, allowing the box to fall into the attic wherever it may. I close the ladder/door to the attic and I’m finished for another year.

Years ago, we bought real trees. But the concern for a potential fire hazard and dry pine needles clogging up the sweeper put an end to it. I gave Mrs. T suggestions on how to best clean out the sweeper but apparently that was not enough to save the real tree tradition. I don’t know, but I suspect that she also got tired of going out in the woods, finding a good tree, chopping it down and dragging it back to the house. I always supported her efforts while I sat in my recliner watching her do it, but apparently my support was not enough in this case.

Next, we moved to an artificial tree. They look great the first year. But like anything else, when you try to get something back in the original box, it can’t be done. Well, it can be done, but typically the box suffers and so do the contents of the box. I do know that duct tape helps keep a box from flying open at its bulging seams. Thus, artificial trees typically don’t look so good the next time you pull them out of the box, and ours was no exception. Of course, with all the lights, tinsel and ornaments, the tree is mostly hidden from view. I don’t think people notice. Or perhaps they’re just being kind. I’ve never had anyone speak to me about our cheap, plastic, deformed Christmas trees. Well, my brother-in-law Steve did say that he didn’t realize a tree could be in such sad shape and still be standing. I educated him about leaning it against the wall, in a corner. It cannot be freestanding. It’s all about the corner, the walls, and how you lean it into the corner. The angel on top of the tree is typically hard to see unless you’re standing off to one side. I don’t hold it against him. He’s an opinionated person and we’ve grown accustomed to it. He’s the same guy that once finished one of his many stories by saying, “That gal ain’t nothin’ but a fat old sow”. I thought I got off pretty lucky with his opinion of my tree. And, I couldn’t disagree with his summation of the lady. However, I probably wouldn’t have called her old. Ladies don’t like it when you mention their age.

Next, we moved to the ultimate: an artificial, lighted Christmas tree. It took me three years to pay it off, but it was worth it. I got it paid off this year. Unfortunately, the lights stopped working this year. So we had to buy lights for our lighted artificial Christmas tree. In my opinion, that’s just not right. But in the spirit of the season, and unlike my brother-in-law Steve, I kept my opinions to myself. My only suggestion to Mrs. T was that she could complete a nostalgic circle of tree life, back to the point where it all started with a real tree, by putting her lit lighted Christmas tree in a bucket of water. Like the old times.

My suggestion was not well received. Maybe it was because I had to yell my suggestion to her. I couldn’t turn down the volume on football game that I was watching from my recliner because I didn’t have the remote. And I didn’t want to ask her to hand me the remote, because I knew how busy she was with the tree. Maybe she just hadn’t gotten into the Christmas spirit like I had. I don’t think I’ll ever understand women. I tried to help her. . .and how did she show her appreciation? She had a suggestion of her own with regard to where I could stick the Christmas tree this year. . .ouch.