For those who share a commute to work with someone, you know that the level of complexity, and the need for logistics, are dramatically increased, typically in direct proportion to the number of people sharing the commute. However, if you are lucky enough to share a commute with your spouse, the complexity and logistics are at a much different level. A higher level. A level where there is danger around every corner (no pun intended). A level which has populated the infamous "doghouse"for centuries. Quite frankly, ANY type of commute with a spouse and/or family members requires much diligence on the male's part, to avoid an extended stay in the doghouse.
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I typically do not commute with MrsT but I did one day this week. And, I'm in the doghouse. It's actually Wal-Mart's fault , because she's very familiar with the store layout and she was in a hurry and she knew where everything is at WalMart (as she should since she is there so often!). But, alas, I've gotten ahead of myself. Let me backup and explain.
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I didn't know we were going Wal-Mart until we were already on the road. We were already running late, but I was making good progress in overcoming the deficit. It was then that she informed me that she needed to get some medicine for her cold. I was okay with that. Like, let's get real, how was I going to argue with that??? As I pulled into the WalGreens parking lot, I suggested that we stop there since it has convenient parking by the front door and it was right on the way. MrsT informed me that she not only needed some medicine but also needed a holiday ornament for the gift exchange at her work holiday party, which, we would BOTH be attending that night (I'm come to the conclusion that a holiday work party is second only to a family reunion for the number of people you don't know and quite frankly, people you probably don't want to know). A holiday party that I had previously been told about, and which I been told I would be attending, but I had sort of forgotten about. So, here I am, running late for work, and NOW, I'm pulling out of the Walgreens parking lot, heading for Wal-Mart at 6:30am in the morning! To shop for holiday ornaments!!! If my 4 cylinder Honda Accord could have burned rubber, I probably would have done it! But instead, I had to settle for running through all five gears of my manual transmission within 5 seconds and 50 feet of the Walgreens parking lot. I rationalized to myself that I was driving so fast because a car almost ran over me from behind when I pulled out in front of it.
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Unfortunately (for me), on the drive to Wal-Mart, I may have said a few things which were not in the holiday spirit. I seem to recall that I told her I was NOT going to participate in a gift exchange for stupid ornaments when we already had a tree full of ornaments! And I know I said some other things, but I can't recall them. I'm sure Mrs.T could give you the details of each and every thing I said. And you could ask her twenty years from now, and you would still receive that same level of detail.
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Obviously, it was a time when I should have just kept quiet and drove the car. Actually, I should probably always just keep quiet and drive. And, if you combine all of this tension with her not feeling well, well, suffice to say, after the shopping was done, the remaining, but short commute to her workplace, was a frigid one. The door on my car might not ever be the same. I think it would be fair to say that she shut the car door with more gusto than normal, as she exited the car. But, hey, perhaps she was just pumped up and was excited about getting to work and she will forget the entire episode. I choose to believe that. It gives me hope and it makes my time in doghouse pass more quickly…
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Some subject lines from Junk Mail received recently:
Triple-strength fat eraser!
Flush up to 20 excess pounds from your body!
Real Estate in Costa Rica
Become a Psychologist Online!
Your Psychology Degree is Ready!
Term Life insurance with no exam
Tired of the bar scene?
Need a Checking Account?
Dumb and poor? Here's a way to make money!
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After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n'Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chicah Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
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CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED...
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - - - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Friday Levity 2008.12.05
I went shopping on "Black Friday" with MrsT. And I went again the next day. I refer to it as "Black as Pitch Saturday". Apparently, MrsT felt it was her patriotic duty to personally stimulate the economy's recovery. And several major department stores have her to thank for being their being in the black. As per usual, my role was to speak if spoken to, offer no opinions unless asked and most importantly, take her purchases out to the car. But, on the bright side, I also got to do one of my favorite past times: "people watching at the mall". Wowzer. The human species never ceases to amaze me. We surely do come in all makes and models. One notable teenager had more hardware attached and embedded in his face that I had ever seen before. Ugly silver and gold rings pierced into his eyebrows, nose, lips, ears. It looked as if he had somehow survived a head on crash with the jewelry counter at the local pawn shop. I wouldn't want to know what else he had pierced. Thankfully the rest of his body was covered with an ugly black trench coat, baggy black clothes and it was all accessorized with a large assortment of silver dog chains and a greasy stocking cap. There might be better words to describe it all, but two come to mind: "troubling and disturbing". He didn't stop to chat and I doubt he would have wanted my objective opinion anyway. I also took this time of observing and reflection to work on my 2009 resolutions. I have three so far:
1) I would like lose weight so I can once again shop in the "Classic Fit" section for jeans instead of the "Relaxed Fit" section.
2) I'd like to be able to wear boot cut jeans again. Right now, my calf won't fit through the leg openings (this is commonly referred to as "Roller Syndrome").
3) I would like to be able to once again wear a tapered dress shirt. I was bored, so I went into a nice department store and tried one on. However, and despite several attempts, I could not get the shirt to stay down, over my belly. Instead, it looked like a long sleeved tube top. I'm sure most of you find this to be a very disturbing visual. Be assured that it's not nearly as disturbing as actually being in a tiny dressing room with a full length mirror and personally witnessing it…
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"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
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Observations
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Real Newspaper Ads
Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
Wanted: Used paint.
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Never tickled.
1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.
Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Great Dames for sale.
Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
1) I would like lose weight so I can once again shop in the "Classic Fit" section for jeans instead of the "Relaxed Fit" section.
2) I'd like to be able to wear boot cut jeans again. Right now, my calf won't fit through the leg openings (this is commonly referred to as "Roller Syndrome").
3) I would like to be able to once again wear a tapered dress shirt. I was bored, so I went into a nice department store and tried one on. However, and despite several attempts, I could not get the shirt to stay down, over my belly. Instead, it looked like a long sleeved tube top. I'm sure most of you find this to be a very disturbing visual. Be assured that it's not nearly as disturbing as actually being in a tiny dressing room with a full length mirror and personally witnessing it…
.
.
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
.
.
Observations
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Real Newspaper Ads
Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
Wanted: Used paint.
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Never tickled.
1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.
Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Great Dames for sale.
Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
Friday Levity 2008.11.21
Potato Chips. Another nemesis. I can't eat just one, unless there was only one in the bag when I started. In my opinion, a single chip left in the bag is one of life's gravest social blunders. Quite frankly, there can only be two acceptable excuses for leaving a single chip in the bag: You fell asleep or you passed out.
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I often use chips as an appetizer while waiting for Mrs.T to cook my supper. If she doesn't like me eating them as an appetizer, she should cook faster. I also have chips as an early evening snack. And for a late evening snack. And, sometimes, a middle of the night snack. MrsT doesn't like it me eating chips because she thinks they raise my blood pressure. I've tried hinting to her that it isn't the chips that raising my blood pressure. I have come to the conclusion what our society needs a new law, requiring that all jewelry stores prominently display a sign next to the engagement/wedding rings: "Permanently increases blood pressure in the male species". The high blood pressure begins with the discussion of a ring, it continues through the process of shopping for the ring and then continues through the process of paying for the ring. And, quite frankly, you never stop paying for that ring...
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Seen in the classifieds:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bugger. Bites!
FREE ; ; ;PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able
to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG . Looks like a rat . Been out a while. Better be
a big reward!
COWS,CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDICTRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie .
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything
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Several years ago, when I lived in Nigeria, I was once pulled over in Lagos by a large and very irate traffic cop.
“What color am I ?” he demanded.
I stammered in embarrassment, and mumbled something like, “Black” or “Dark Brown”.
“No I am not,” he cried, without a hint of humor.
“When I am like this” - and he raised his right palm above his head - “I am red”.
And then, waving his palm backwards over his shoulder, he added, “and when I am like this I am green.”
“Do not drive past me again when I am red!!!”
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Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, your favorite drink in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
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A Friday Riddle:
Q: What is 40 years old, in denial, glares at you when threatened, glares at you when not threatened, stomps its feet when mad, stomps it feet when demanding your attention, threatens you when cornered, threatens you when not cornered and is continually using postures and gestures in an attempt to make itself appear taller than it will never be?
A: My co-worker Rhonda in Human Resources has the answer to this riddle. And while you're there, wish her a happy birthday (Nov 26).
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I often use chips as an appetizer while waiting for Mrs.T to cook my supper. If she doesn't like me eating them as an appetizer, she should cook faster. I also have chips as an early evening snack. And for a late evening snack. And, sometimes, a middle of the night snack. MrsT doesn't like it me eating chips because she thinks they raise my blood pressure. I've tried hinting to her that it isn't the chips that raising my blood pressure. I have come to the conclusion what our society needs a new law, requiring that all jewelry stores prominently display a sign next to the engagement/wedding rings: "Permanently increases blood pressure in the male species". The high blood pressure begins with the discussion of a ring, it continues through the process of shopping for the ring and then continues through the process of paying for the ring. And, quite frankly, you never stop paying for that ring...
.
.
Seen in the classifieds:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bugger. Bites!
FREE ; ; ;PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able
to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG . Looks like a rat . Been out a while. Better be
a big reward!
COWS,CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDICTRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie .
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything
.
.
Several years ago, when I lived in Nigeria, I was once pulled over in Lagos by a large and very irate traffic cop.
“What color am I ?” he demanded.
I stammered in embarrassment, and mumbled something like, “Black” or “Dark Brown”.
“No I am not,” he cried, without a hint of humor.
“When I am like this” - and he raised his right palm above his head - “I am red”.
And then, waving his palm backwards over his shoulder, he added, “and when I am like this I am green.”
“Do not drive past me again when I am red!!!”
.
.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, your favorite drink in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
.
.
A Friday Riddle:
Q: What is 40 years old, in denial, glares at you when threatened, glares at you when not threatened, stomps its feet when mad, stomps it feet when demanding your attention, threatens you when cornered, threatens you when not cornered and is continually using postures and gestures in an attempt to make itself appear taller than it will never be?
A: My co-worker Rhonda in Human Resources has the answer to this riddle. And while you're there, wish her a happy birthday (Nov 26).
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Friday Levity 2008.11.14
I have a nemesis. Well, okay, as you might suspect, I have many. But one in particular will probably haunt me the rest of my life: Lids on containers. Especially lids on containers in the refrigerator. And most especially, lids which screw on. My entire family accuses me of NEVER replacing lids correctly. I personally suspect that my children intentionally leave lids loose, just to watch me get in trouble with MrsT. I will be the first to admit that I perhaps have not put a lid back on...once…MAYBE twice…but is it fair that I get the blame EVERY time? Recently, a jar of pickles overturned in the refrigerator, but it wasn't discovered for awhile because it was WAY in the back behind all the leftovers and it apparently leaked very slowly. Ha! The lid was MOSTLY on! Thus, IF I were actually guilty of this incident, then I should have gotten some credit! Ultimately, there was pickle juice from top to bottom in the refrigerator, including those silly drawers at the bottom which hold healthful stuff that we never eat anyway. It was also ruled that I was at fault for placing the jar on the top shelf, instead of in the door where it belonged. Did I do it? I can't recall. Old age is the pits because I can seldom defend myself because I can seldom remember anything. In these kangaroo trials, I typically have hecklers (my children and their insignificant others) who enjoy observing the judge (MrsT) deliver a swift, immediate and guilty verdict. Seriously, what is the big deal about some pickle juice in the refrigerator? I personally thought it was very pleasing to the senses to open the door and have the smell of dill pickles wafting out…
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak - now you say, "Control Freak who?"
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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
.
.
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"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak - now you say, "Control Freak who?"
.
.
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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Friday Levity 2008.11.07
I was headed out one evening to take a walk and as per usual, MrsT wanted to go with me. She always wants to go with me. Go figure. I like to think it's because she's crazy about me. Realistically, she's probably just crazy. I waited impatiently while she put on her shoes and reflective vest and applied lip gloss protection and sunscreen (although it was almost dark outside). We were FINALLY headed for the door when she paused to browse the daily mail on the kitchen counter. After a few moments, she continued on toward the door but paused once again, this time to browse $1 rebate form on the table...she had received it as a result of her spending $1000 at the mall (she had also received a 10% off coupon for her next visit so she was stoked!). My patience had expired, and I informed her that she was A-D-D (Attention Deficient Disorder). She calmly returned the rebate form to the table, nonchalantly headed for the door once again and stated, "I think you are B-U-T". I'm not a doctor, and I hadn't slept at a Holiday Inn Express recently, but I was pretty confident that she wasn't trying to flatter me with her diagnosis of my behavior. In fact, she concluded her diagnosis by informing me that she could add another "T" on the end of her diagnosis if I was having any trouble understanding my affliction.
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One of my co-workers told me that he wished he could meet MrsT the next time she was in the office visiting me. I suspect that he thinks I take editorial liberties with regard to MrsT. Because he is a male and because he is one of my co-workers means that he already has two strikes against him. He should be careful what he wishes for...
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JoeG, a fellow co-worker is leaving us today. You gotta love a guy that got ordained on the Internet, who wears a smile almost all of the time and has a BIG BLUE FLAME tattoo on his forearm! Suffice to say, Joe has a different "slant" on life. I don't think anyone (including Joe) has quite figured out what that slant is all about, but there is no doubt that he's slanting! Father Joe, I wish you the best. Break-a-leg!
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This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there isn't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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What do you call a monkey in a minefield ? A BaBoom!
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Boss To Employee: Why aren't you working?
Employee: I didn't see you coming.
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FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS
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Behind every successful woman is herself.
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Oh my gosh, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!
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Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a tea bag … you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
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I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
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So many men, so few who can afford me.
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Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
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Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
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I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
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Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
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Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.
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Do not start with me. You will not win.
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All stressed out and no one to choke.
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I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
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How can I miss you if you won't go away ?
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Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
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If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
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One of my co-workers told me that he wished he could meet MrsT the next time she was in the office visiting me. I suspect that he thinks I take editorial liberties with regard to MrsT. Because he is a male and because he is one of my co-workers means that he already has two strikes against him. He should be careful what he wishes for...
.
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JoeG, a fellow co-worker is leaving us today. You gotta love a guy that got ordained on the Internet, who wears a smile almost all of the time and has a BIG BLUE FLAME tattoo on his forearm! Suffice to say, Joe has a different "slant" on life. I don't think anyone (including Joe) has quite figured out what that slant is all about, but there is no doubt that he's slanting! Father Joe, I wish you the best. Break-a-leg!
.
.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there isn't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
.
.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
.
.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield ? A BaBoom!
.
.
Boss To Employee: Why aren't you working?
Employee: I didn't see you coming.
.
.
FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS
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Behind every successful woman is herself.
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Oh my gosh, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!
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Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
A woman is like a tea bag … you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
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I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
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So many men, so few who can afford me.
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Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
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Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
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I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
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Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
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Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.
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Do not start with me. You will not win.
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All stressed out and no one to choke.
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I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
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How can I miss you if you won't go away ?
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Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
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If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Friday Levity 10.31.2008
Mrs. T never passes up a chance to remind me I'm old. Recently, I took a few days of vacation to work around the house and enjoy the great Fall weather. As she was leaving for work one morning, she said, "Don't do any stupid or dangerous today". In my younger days, that would have meant climbing up in trees with a chainsaw or hanging from the roof to repair a top story window. Now it means standing on a step stool to change a light bulb or bending over to tie my shoes or not wearing my seat belt....pffft...I bet I'm the only guy who has a seat belt on his riding lawnmower…just because I fell asleep ONE time while mowing the yard. Sheesh. I wonder why she even cares about my safety other than my 401K keeps building in value. However, with the recent economy, I've noticed she's been encouraging me to mow and mulch several times a week...and ironically, she has stopped reminding me to buckle up…hmmm…and she reminded me last night that our security light, located at the very peak of our very tall roof, is burned out and should be changed...
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I got stopped by a policeman recently. He completely understood my reasoning for erratic driving when I explained that just because I was behind the wheel, it was Mrs. T who was actually doing all the driving, as per usual. Of course, it helped that my son is on the police force and his fellow officers had the inside scoop on Mrs.T. I asked the young officer what he was doing to do if he ever had to stop Mrs.T, to which he replied, "Call for backup".
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It's Halloween, and I expect my co-worker Roy to come by my desk with his annual observation: "So, you dressed up as a grumpy old man again? Great costume!" He's one of the big reasons why we stopped letting people from the Netherlands into the United States. We just cannot take a chance of having any more Roys here.
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A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right."
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"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kind of like being the guy on a date." --Caroline Rhea
.
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"In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there were actually, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study." ---Dave Barry
.
.
.
I got stopped by a policeman recently. He completely understood my reasoning for erratic driving when I explained that just because I was behind the wheel, it was Mrs. T who was actually doing all the driving, as per usual. Of course, it helped that my son is on the police force and his fellow officers had the inside scoop on Mrs.T. I asked the young officer what he was doing to do if he ever had to stop Mrs.T, to which he replied, "Call for backup".
.
It's Halloween, and I expect my co-worker Roy to come by my desk with his annual observation: "So, you dressed up as a grumpy old man again? Great costume!" He's one of the big reasons why we stopped letting people from the Netherlands into the United States. We just cannot take a chance of having any more Roys here.
.
.
A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right."
.
.
"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kind of like being the guy on a date." --Caroline Rhea
.
.
"In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there were actually, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study." ---Dave Barry
.
.
Friday Levity 2008.10.03
My elderly neighbor lady called last evening. She and her husband live just down the road from me. They had heard through the grapevine about my recent snake slayings and they had some questions. She first wanted to know if it was true that I had found snakes in my garage. After giving her the details, I heard her quietly reply, "Oh my" (as if contemplating quietly to herself). There was an awkward silence. Suddenly, I could hear her husband in the background. He tends to speak very loudly and is very animated. He was telling her to ask me what I use to kill the snakes. I told her I use a long handled shovel. She quickly relayed my answer to him. I then heard him asking, "What about a hoe? Will a garden hoe work?". Before she could relay his question back to me, and because I could clearly hear him in the background, I replied, "Yes, a garden hoe works just fine".
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"So you…". "How…". I could sense she was struggling to ask me how I actually do it, so I interrupted and said as nonchalantly as possible, "Just chop their head off. Sometimes, the head doesn't get completely chopped off, but it should be enough to kill them. Just don't pick up the head with your fingers because it will potentially have venom on it". She replied with another, but louder, "Oh my". I could hear her husband in the background, excitedly asking, "What? What? What did he say?". She relayed my statement to her husband. I could sense their apprehension was growing. She then asked, "But what if you're out walking and don't have your shovel?". Again, nonchalantly and very calmly, I replied, "I use a big rock". She replied with, "So, umm..so...”. Once again, I sensed she was struggling to ask, so I interrupted and said, "You just mash their head with the rock". Once again, her reply was "Oh my”.
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Her husband was still in the background asking, "What? What did he say?" I continued on, telling her that she should of course stay out of range so the snake can't strike her. "Oh my yes", she replied. I quickly added, "They typically can't kill a human, but it would sure make you sick. However, they would sure put the whammy on that little dog of yours". "Ohhhhh my Lord yes", she exclaimed. Like most family dogs, their little dog is just another member of the family to them. She then stated they are always with the dog when it's outside, thus it should be safe. Hesitantly, but with conviction, I replied, "Wellllllll, not necessarily. One of our other neighbors had a dog get bitten while sticking its nose under some flowers and the neighbors were standing right there at the time it happened". "Oh my, oh my", she replied.
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A double "Oh my" was an indication to me that I should probably try to say something to try and calm her fears. I could hear her husband excitedly asking, "What? What?". I wasn't sure what to say so I did the best I could. I told her to keep the garage and outside doors closed and to watch where the dog sticks its nose, and they all should be fine and if they do get bitten, they should not panic but instead, should get to an emergency room as soon as possible for some anti-venom. "Ohhh, yes, yes, my yes, we will, we will…yes that's a good idea", she replied nervously. She thanked me for the info and hung up the phone.
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As I hung up the phone, all this talk of snakes made me wonder if now would be a good time for the "rubber snake in the mailbox" practical joke routine. Of course, I wouldn't do it to my neighbor. But it would be great fun to see MrsT's reaction if she were to find a snake in our mailbox. However, a practical joke shouldn't cause someone to die. And quite frankly, I don't relish the thought of having Mrs.T hunt me down and kill me over a practical joke...
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Banks in Japan are suffering too. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. The Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
.
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"Vegetarian" is a word with Native American origins. It means "lousy hunter".
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What does one say to a dog named Minton who has an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks? Bad Minton!
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"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
.
.
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
.
.
A repeat, but a good one:
At the Olympics, a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole and asked,
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?".
The competitor replied, "Nein, I am German. But how did you know my name ist Walter?"
.
.
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien
.
"So you…". "How…". I could sense she was struggling to ask me how I actually do it, so I interrupted and said as nonchalantly as possible, "Just chop their head off. Sometimes, the head doesn't get completely chopped off, but it should be enough to kill them. Just don't pick up the head with your fingers because it will potentially have venom on it". She replied with another, but louder, "Oh my". I could hear her husband in the background, excitedly asking, "What? What? What did he say?". She relayed my statement to her husband. I could sense their apprehension was growing. She then asked, "But what if you're out walking and don't have your shovel?". Again, nonchalantly and very calmly, I replied, "I use a big rock". She replied with, "So, umm..so...”. Once again, I sensed she was struggling to ask, so I interrupted and said, "You just mash their head with the rock". Once again, her reply was "Oh my”.
.
Her husband was still in the background asking, "What? What did he say?" I continued on, telling her that she should of course stay out of range so the snake can't strike her. "Oh my yes", she replied. I quickly added, "They typically can't kill a human, but it would sure make you sick. However, they would sure put the whammy on that little dog of yours". "Ohhhhh my Lord yes", she exclaimed. Like most family dogs, their little dog is just another member of the family to them. She then stated they are always with the dog when it's outside, thus it should be safe. Hesitantly, but with conviction, I replied, "Wellllllll, not necessarily. One of our other neighbors had a dog get bitten while sticking its nose under some flowers and the neighbors were standing right there at the time it happened". "Oh my, oh my", she replied.
.
A double "Oh my" was an indication to me that I should probably try to say something to try and calm her fears. I could hear her husband excitedly asking, "What? What?". I wasn't sure what to say so I did the best I could. I told her to keep the garage and outside doors closed and to watch where the dog sticks its nose, and they all should be fine and if they do get bitten, they should not panic but instead, should get to an emergency room as soon as possible for some anti-venom. "Ohhh, yes, yes, my yes, we will, we will…yes that's a good idea", she replied nervously. She thanked me for the info and hung up the phone.
.
As I hung up the phone, all this talk of snakes made me wonder if now would be a good time for the "rubber snake in the mailbox" practical joke routine. Of course, I wouldn't do it to my neighbor. But it would be great fun to see MrsT's reaction if she were to find a snake in our mailbox. However, a practical joke shouldn't cause someone to die. And quite frankly, I don't relish the thought of having Mrs.T hunt me down and kill me over a practical joke...
.
.
.
Banks in Japan are suffering too. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. The Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
.
.
"Vegetarian" is a word with Native American origins. It means "lousy hunter".
.
.
What does one say to a dog named Minton who has an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks? Bad Minton!
.
.
"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
.
.
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
.
.
A repeat, but a good one:
At the Olympics, a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole and asked,
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?".
The competitor replied, "Nein, I am German. But how did you know my name ist Walter?"
.
.
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien
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