Friday Levity 07.18.2008

Last week I reviewed my trip to Washington, D.C. I forgot to mention that when riding the escalators in the subways, you will need to always stand on the right hand side. The natives seem to always be in a big hurry to get somewhere as they are continually running up and down the escalators. And if you are standing in their way, they are not shy to remind you that escalators are not for standing and riding on...
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Recently, I saw a screwdriver on the counter in the utility room. It was left there by one of my offspring. Of course, they originally found it in my toolbox in the garage. I suddenly realized that youngsters never put anything up because they simply remember where they last used something and that's where they go when they need it again. However, that doesn't work for me, because I can't even remember where I am now. However, I've learned how to get my revenge. Sometimes, when I'm bored, I go to their rooms and move stuff around. And I rearrange the piles of dirty and clean clothes on their floor. It really messes with their routines…they can't find anything!
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I recently met a lady on the road, driving her car while leaning forward, looking in the rearview mirror and applying makeup to her eyes. I don't EVEN have to tell you how wrong this is. Freaks me out every time I see it, especially when they are on my side of the road. If we can outlaw cell phones while driving, I think "makeup" should be added to the list. And tacos (i.e. lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and pieces of hamburger are distracting when trying to retrieve and eat the pieces from your lap and car seat). Oh, and let's not forget cigarettes. Although I don't smoke, I am confident that a lit cigarette dropping between the legs of a driver quickly causes driving to become a second priority…
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I would venture a guess that everyone has a place for keys. Perhaps a kitchen drawer. Or a big bowl (along with old pens, pencils with broken lead, sticks of old gum and a big pair of toenail clippers). Or maybe you have an actual key hanger/letter holder on the kitchen wall. Or maybe you have a mongo keychain. I recently checked my keychain and had three keys I didn't recognize. I could not remember what they were for. Americans seem to believe that we should save all keys because we JUST MIGHT need them some day. It's almost a religion. I immediately threw those three keys away. I was pumped. I immediately went to the kitchen and threw away some more keys that I didn't think we needed. It was exhilarating!!! Almost as exhilarating as the first time I was actually able to outrun my mother as she was trying to catch and spank me (she lost a step once she hit age 50!). I suggest you try throwing away some of your keys!
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I sure hope that none of those keys were actually needed by Mrs. T. She's religious about keeping things. Sheesh…now I'm thinking that there is a hellfire and brimstone sermon is in my future.
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A little boy had just started school. He was doing so well his grandfather took him to the zoo to celebrate.

As they stopped at each enclosure the Grandfather would asked the boy, "What's this?" It's a Lion," the boy replied. "That’s good," said Grandfather. "And what's this in the next one?" "Its tiger" replied the boy.

"Well done," said Grandfather "you're so clever. And what's the big one over there." "It's a fricking elephant." Said the boy gleefully. "What did you say," queried the Grandfather? "A fricking elephant," he repeated. "And where did you learn that?" asked Grandfather sternly. "Over there on the sign,” he replied pointing, ”A-f-r-i-can Elephant.”
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While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
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I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
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"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."---Milton Berle
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Seen recently in an advice column in the newspaper:
Q: What's the worst thing a wife can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning Sickness.
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A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."