Friday Levity 08.22.2008

I have greatly enjoyed watching the Olympics over the past two weeks. My observations:


1. Divers wear Speedos, thus, I could not be a diver. Very few men should wear Speedos. Besides, I enjoy having blood circulation in my legs, which I'm pretty sure would disappear if I were able to actually get them on. I seriously doubt they come in an extra large size. "XL Speedo". Is that an oxymoron?
2. Divers should not take their showers in public.
3. Don't make an Archery person mad. They seldom miss. And they do it from 80 yards. You'll never know what hit you.
4. Badminton. Don't even think about it. Don’t embarrass yourself like that.
5. A "Shuttlecock" is defined as a conical shaped, high-drag projectile. I would define it as a potentially deadly weapon served by an oriental person. Of course, some might say the same thing about deep fried Cashew Chicken.
6. Ping Pong. Same story as badminton. Don't even try it.
7. Don't challenge a Jamaican to a foot race.
8. Caucasians should not attempt any event which requires running fast over short distances.
9. Events with athletes wearing Spandex should come with a parental warning: "Leaves nothing to the imagination".
10. There are people wearing Spandex who should be arrested.
11. Cameras should not zoom in on people wearing Spandex.
12. I'm a big fan of women's beach volleyball. Sand, Volleyball, Bikinis. It's "All American”, just like Baseball and Apple Pie. Go USA!
13. I don't really think cheerleaders in bikinis are necessary during the men's sand volleyball. But hey, "When in Rome…"
14. Being Chinese will increase your chances of winning a medal in any event involving judges and subjectivity.
15. If you're going to a fight, take a female shot putter or discus thrower with you.
16. Gymnastics requires that female participants be sixteen years old. Apparently the Chinese use a new math when calculating the age of their twelve year old girls.
17. Rowing. I want the job of sitting in the front of the boat and yelling at my teammates to row faster and harder! However, these are typically small framed people, so I doubt I'll be asked. I'm pretty sure the front of the boat shouldn't be lower in the water than the back.
18. If it has taken a country one hundred years to win its first medal in the Olympics, I think that country should go home and practice for another hundred years and then come back and try again.
19. Greco wrestling is just wrong. Sweaty males, groping and grabbing body parts while writhing around on a mat wearing tight Spandex body suits. That's just not natural. I cannot watch it.
20. I'm glad the balance beam is only used in female gymnastics. A mistake on the beam could cause a guy to lose more than points...
.
.
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity... (as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A civil war?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
.
.
.
"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true." --Ian Hart
.
.
During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"