KenTo's Wonderings

Vacation - Scotland - Segment 1

2010-06-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I’m currently in the process of preparing to travel to Scotland to see my daughter Kendra, and the man who stole her stole her from me, married her and then took her away to Scotland. Most people call him Zach. I have other names that I call him, but not allowed to say in a public setting. Mrs. T made me sign a document stating that I would remain socially acceptable when speaking of him in public places, e-mails, etc. She reminds me that he DID ask for her hand in marriage and that I agreed. I remind her that I WAS ASLEEP (probably drugged) at the time and I cannot be held responsible for what I do in my sleep. AND, I’m confident, he NEVER mentioned anything about taking her out of the country for years. Technically, he didn’t lie. But he didn’t tell the truth either. It’s now been one year since we’ve seen them and are looking forward to seeing HER again, and touring Scotland and London for three days. I’m sure HE will be around, and Mrs. T has made me sign another document stating that I will tolerate him and do him no physical harm. We’re planning on being over there for two weeks. . . I now wish I hadn’t signed that document. . .she told me that it was a “travel” document that needed my signature. . .I need to start reading her documents more closely in the future. . .

In planning for this trip I have come to grips with the fact that I have far too many gadgets and those gadgets (computer, phone, ipod, ear/eye brow/nose hair clippers, razors) all require power cords and/or car charger (I doubt that I’m the only American who suffers from gadget overload) .Trying to decide which gadgets, power cords to take and how we’re going to get them and enough clothes packed, is quite the ordeal. We currently have four suitcases, two backpacks, and Mrs. T’s purse, which in most airline guidelines will be required to be “checked” and not allowed to be carried on. And I’m sure it weighs more than fifty pounds, which is going to cost me extra. I have no idea what she has in that purse, and I no longer want to know. I wouldn’t try anyway. She had a motion detector and GPS locator installed on the purse. Whatever is in that purse seems to be important to her. . .I’m sure those three packets of Kleenex, four wet wipes, makeup bag, 34 pens and pencils, 82 ATM slips, 16 Wal-Mart receipts...all somehow have sentimental meaning to her. . .and/or she doesn’t want me to know how often she goes to Wal-Mart and the ATM machine. And, quite frankly, I no longer want to know.

And then of course, due to my old age (see ear/eye brow/nose hair clippers above) I have to make sure that I have my Metamucil. And my blood pressure medicine (see Mrs. T purse note above). And my eyeglasses for when I’m NOT wearing my contacts. And my reading glasses for when I AM wearing my contacts. And sunscreen to protect my wimpy chalky white skin resulting from working in an office for twenty-five years. And other miscellaneous items such as sunglasses, hats, motion sickness medicine, neck pillow, blackout eye coverings, and earplugs or the overnight plane trip. I sure hope I haven’t forgotten anything. But, if I take anything else, it means another suitcase. . .I’m thru packing. . .I’m exhausted. I NEED a vacation. . .

Friday Levity (2010.02.26)

2010-02-26T08:12:00.000-08:00

Mrs. T and I had some time to kill yesterday between appointments. I was driving and she was telling me where to go. She’s very good at that. We went to the mall. She announced that she was going to “Bath, Body and Beyond” to buy some “stuff” she “needed”. I headed to the clearance racks at JC Penney to buy some stuff that I “need”, but only if it was on clearance. I found a sport coat that was GREAT deal! Seventy percent off! However, I had to wait on Mrs. T’s approval before purchasing. And, she likes to use her JC Penney card because that triggers something in their database which causes them to send her more stuff such as coupons and flyers (essentially, it’s another cult she belongs to). She was gone a VERY long time. I knew in my heart this was not a good thing. She finally showed up. And she readily agreed that I should buy the coat. I should have know her quick approval was not a good thing. We paid and as we were leaving the store, she told me that she had been “looking” at some things and wanted me to go and “look” at them. Her previous “quick approval” was now explained. I was subjected to an hour of “parading” as she tried on what seemed to be every item in the store, each time accompanied by a chorus of “oooo” and “ahhhhh” from the female sales associates. And each time she would ask me “What I thought?”…she would be surrounded by four sales associates, cheerfully smiling and nodding their heads in approval. At least the store had a place for me to sit down. If I ran a women’s clothing store, I would provide couches, big screen and stocked refrigerator for “guys in waiting”. We left the store with two jackets, slacks and more. She had once again successfully applied her Golden Rule of shopping: “One for him, more for me”.

We then moved on to “The Buckle”. And I don’t know why they call it the “buckle. I didn’t see any belts with buckles. I didn’t see any shoes with buckles. However, the goth girl that met us at the door had a buckle in her eyebrow. For those of you who claim I never step outside my comfort zone, you can shuddup now. The goth gal had more hardware in her face than I had ever seen on a girl. I assumed she was a girl. Sometimes it’s hard to really know with the short black goth hair and black goth baggy clothes. I didn’t ask her/him/it for gender verification. We were shopping for a pair of blue jeans for a member of our family. I picked a pair and looked at the price tag. It was $120.00. Suddenly, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I asked the goth gal if the $120.00 price included anything else besides the jeans. She looked at me like I was an alien from outer space. And, quite frankly, I felt like alien from outer space. The jeans had holes in them! And they were faded and paper thin! I quietly tried to tell Mrs. T that we could buy a pair of nice Wrangler jeans at Wal-Mart for about $25.00. I didn’t want to cause the goth girl to go postal, so I tried to be discreet when saying this to Mrs. T. However, Mrs. T dismissed me with a wave of her hand. And to add insult to injury, it was the hand in which she was holding her credit card.

I left and went to Anne’s Hallmark store. I read some of their new “Get Well” cards and browsed their latest inventory of “Precious Moments” figurines. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. It was very calming and soothing and it lasted until Mrs. T showed up and told me that we were going to “Express”. I thought, perhaps, she was trying to talk really cool to me, and she was implying that we were going to “leave the mall really fast”. I was wrong. And I soon returned to Anne’s. . .

==
Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.

A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.

"Nothing," he answered.

"Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed."

==
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.

"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!

Friday Levity (2010.02.12)

2010-02-12T05:54:00.000-08:00

The dogs were howling. Mrs. T was howling. And I was crumpled in a fetal position on the bedroom floor, with sharp, stabbing, tingling pains shooting up and down the left side of my body. The alarm clock was dangling in midair, next to my head, blaring obnoxiously. Not a good way to start a day.

Typically, I am wide awake before the alarm ever goes off, but this morning, I was asleep. As I swung my arm up to turn off the alarm, which sits on the headboard above my head, I found out too late the entire left side of my body was still asleep, essentially turning my arm into a heavy battering ram which crashed into the wall above the headboard, then crashed down on top of the alarm clock. I fumbled to find the buttons on the alarm with my useless, numb fingers and knocked it off the headboard. But instead of crashing to the floor, it was caught in midair by the power cord, causing it to swing and crash into the wall several times. I struggled to get out of bed and found out too late that my left leg was also asleep. I stumbled, and crashed into the wall, finally crumpling to the floor. The dogs, I’m sure, thought intruders were breaking through the walls of our house and probably thought Mrs. T was being attacked because she was screaming like a banshee…she was telling me to turn that %^#&# alarm clock off. . .like I didn’t know it needed to be turned off??? I’ve taken steps to ensure this scenario does not happen again. However Mrs. T and I are disagreeing about the duct tape. I personally don’t think it looks bad. I DO know that ^#&# alarm clock isn’t going to fall off again. . .

Recently, I have been encountering a guy that I met several years ago, but hadn’t seen for a long time. He’s a cashier at a local quick stop where I buy gas. He’s a great guy. He always calls me Michael. That’s fine, even though that’s not my name. I’m thinking he might be hanging around the gas pumps too much. I am an authority on petro fumes, having had some extensive childhood experiences, but that’s another story for another day. I have never corrected him. I’m not sure why. I suppose I don’t want to offend him or hurt his feelings. Besides, I’ve been called a lot worse, especially by Mrs. T. and her family. And, I can’t really blame the guy too much, because there is a guy named Michael that shares my last name. He’s my younger brother. Michael has blonde hair, blue eyes. I have dark hair, dark eyes. And I weigh 150 pounds more than Michael. But, hey, I suppose we could be mistaken for each other. I’m pretty sure the guy knows my brother, otherwise, where would he have come up with the name Michael? I often wonder if he also calls my brother Michael too. And I wonder if he’s ever curious why my parents named two of their sons Michael. I bet he’d like to meet my two brothers named Sheldon . .

==
Some funnies forwarded my way this week:
==

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"
==
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool... "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
==
"I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone.”

My husband says, 'Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?'

'Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.'" --Rita Rudner
==
"A list has been published of the foods that are most likely to expose you to infectious disease, and surprisingly all of them are healthy foods like leafy greens and fresh fruits. In other words, America is gonna be just fine." -Conan O'Brien

Friday Levity (2010.02.05)

2010-02-05T10:52:00.001-08:00

People often ask me if what I write has any truth to it. And that question is typically followed with “How does your wife tolerate you?”

I could, and should, be offended by those questions, but I am not. I am taking the high road. This sporadic weekly rambling called “Friday Levity” comes from the heart and is an effort to get my plight known by the world. Ironically, people continue to feel empathy towards Mrs. T, which I struggle to understand. Obviously, I am doing something wrong. Thus far, I have only met one person who said he believed me, but then he quickly followed up with “But of course, I’ve never met your wife, so you’re the only one that has given me any information”. I appreciated that, sort of. I didn’t tell him that most people have not met my wife and it makes no difference to them as they continue to take her side. Especially women. Women are like thieves…they stick together. We men should probably learn from that. But then, that would be like reading the instructions or asking for directions. And that’s just crazy talk! Men communicate directly without all the surrounding fluff about what we’re wearing, where did we buy it and was it on sale. Women could learn from men on this and learn to communicate with only direct questions and answers about the necessities of life like computers, guns, pickups, cars, boats, gas, oil and beef jerky.

In reality, my ramblings always have some truth to them. I then, perhaps, at times, apply a dose of “writer liberties”. Sometimes, perhaps, I apply a very liberal dose. It is the job of the reader to ascertain which parts contain truth. And, as many of you seem to enjoy pointing out, there are some weeks which contain fewer parts of truth than other weeks.

Last week, I attended Mrs. T’s annual conference of music educators. I typically sit and work while I wait on her as she attends her daily sessions. This allows me ample opportunity to enjoy one of my favorite pastimes: people watching. Years ago I came to the conclusion that there is little doubt why these people belong in the Arts. . .most of them are a real work of art. But I’m glad they do what they do, because I really like music and for that, I am willing to not be judgmental and to put up with their many idiosyncrasies. I’m sure they too frown upon me as I sit with my headphones, laptop computer and tri-colored beanie cap with a propeller on top. I wear the cap in an attempt to blend in. It doesn’t work. I am probably not verbose and/or flamboyant enough. But, I do not apologize for that. If I want to know where the nearest bathroom is, I ask where the nearest bathroom is. I don’t start off with comments about what you’re wearing is “to die for” and “we just have to get together and compare notes” and “I’ve just been to the most awful session ever…well, the worst since the session before that”. I’m probably considered a mute by most. If I were a mute, I’m pretty sure most of them would understand sign language because I saw several of them using it when expressing their displeasure at getting water and slush splashed on them by passing cars. And apparently, they thought those drivers were not only mute, but deaf, because some very loud and colorful language was used, along with signals from both hands. Music people are like that. They like to use variety of techniques when attempting to teach a lesson. . .however, I imagine most of their fell on deaf ears. . .I really doubt that any of those drivers own a bassoon, and even if they did, I doubt they’re going to stick anything up it…as was suggested on many occasions by those music educators. . .

Friday Levity (2010.01.22)

2010-01-22T07:26:00.001-08:00

One evening this week, I was sitting in my car at the doctor’s office, waiting on Mrs. T. An older woman, and what appeared to be her daughter and granddaughter, exited the building, crossed the parking lot and piled into the car parked next to me. They didn’t immediately start the car and leave, but I didn’t think too much of it. My car windows were opened a bit, and from what little I heard, they appeared to be sitting and visiting with each other. I was working on my computer, and paid no more attention to what they were doing. After several minutes, their horn honked…long, loud, blaring, very noticeable. I looked over at them to make sure they were okay, only to find that all three of them were sitting there staring back at me. “Very odd people”, I thought to myself, as I went back to work. Thirty seconds later, the horn again. I didn’t even look up this time. I figured if they want to sit and honk their horn, it was their business. Soon after, they started their car and left, leaving me to some peace and quiet as I was one of the last vehicles scattered around the parking lot. Shortly, thereafter, another car horn starts blaring! It was then I finally noticed my computer, being propped on the steering column as I worked, was periodically pressing down on MY horn button. Mystery solved. . .I no longer had to wonder why they had been staring at me when I looked over at them. I bet they’re still wondering why I was honking my horn at them though. They probably even had the nerve to think I was odd. I’ve been told that a human’s sense of hearing is one of the first things to go as people age. I can’t remember what it is supposed to go first, but I think it’s memory. . .I’m not sure though because I can’t remember. . .

I then decided to move to the passenger seat of the car, to make more room for my computer on my lap. When Mrs. T came out of the office, I motioned for her to drive. On the way home, I continued to work, although I tried to make conversation, knowing how females desire male conversation and interaction. I asked her what she was cooking for supper because I was starving. I also noted that I hoped we got home in time for the world news because I’ve discovered that is very relaxing, after a long day’s work, to have her cooking while I watch the news. There’s just something about pots, pan and food cooking that is comforting, as long as it doesn’t get too loud. She had mentioned, the night before, that someone needed to sweep the carpet, so I also mentioned to her that I sure hoped she didn’t try to sweep while I was watching TV this evening, because there was a big game on ESPN. And if possible, and because our dishwasher is a bit loud, I wondered if she could hold off until the game was over and I had gone to bed.

Typically, silence is golden, but never when it’s Mrs. T’s silence. Through years of experience, I have become a quick study on the danger signals associated with female body language and I quickly ascertained that I had touched a nerve, perhaps her last one. I quickly changed the subject to the stock market crash of the day, stating how important timing is, with regard to buying and selling stock. Suddenly, I heard tires screeching and a horn blasting. I jerked my head up from my keyboard in time to see the grill of a HUGE truck looming in the window of my passenger’s side door. Somehow, miraculously, a collision had been avoided. Apparently, while making a left hand turn in front of the truck, Mrs. T had miscalculated its speed, obviously thinking she had ample time to make her turn. It was probably not as close as it seemed, but the whole thing was sure scary, causing me to ponder on how things can change in a split second and what might have happened to me if that truck had actually t-boned my side of the car. I was shaken and silent as we continued on toward home.

After some time, Mrs. T finally broke the silence. “Yes, timing is everything”, she stated.

Looking back on it now, I’m thinking that she wasn’t referring to the stock market. . .

And a few funnies from my Inbox this week:
===================================

Classified Ad from local newspaper:

09' Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000

This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service.

It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever you want." doesn't mean what I thought. Call Steve. 5555-1212.

==
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors”, he replied.

==
True story:

When my two boys were aged 3 and 5, we moved to a country town. Next door was a vacant block and beyond that a house where an old man lived with his very old sister.

One day my sons wandered over and talked to the man over his fence. Soon they came running into the house very excited.

“Mum, guess what the man next door is doing?”

“What?”, I asked.

“He's minding his own business!!!”, was their animated reply.

==
"The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece, which came up with an exciting new governing concept called "democracy," from the Greek words dem, meaning "everybody gets to vote," and ocracy, meaning "except, of course women, slaves and poor people." -Dave Barry

Friday Levity (01.15.2010)

2010-01-15T08:38:00.001-08:00

We keep our artificial Christmas tree in the attic, above the garage. It has now been put up again for another year. That’s one of my two jobs with regard to Christmas trees. I drag it out each year (i.e. I climb the ladder up into the attic, drag the box containing the tree, across the rafters, positioning the box above the hole in the ceiling and letting gravity take over as it slides down the ladder until it falls to one side or the other and crashes into garage floor. I then drag it to the family room). My other job I to put it up each year. Essentially, I position it on the attic ladder and start pushing/cramming/cussing it up through the hole in the ceiling until teeters on the first rafter it finds and gravity does the rest, allowing the box to fall into the attic wherever it may. I close the ladder/door to the attic and I’m finished for another year.

Years ago, we bought real trees. But the concern for a potential fire hazard and dry pine needles clogging up the sweeper put an end to it. I gave Mrs. T suggestions on how to best clean out the sweeper but apparently that was not enough to save the real tree tradition. I don’t know, but I suspect that she also got tired of going out in the woods, finding a good tree, chopping it down and dragging it back to the house. I always supported her efforts while I sat in my recliner watching her do it, but apparently my support was not enough in this case.

Next, we moved to an artificial tree. They look great the first year. But like anything else, when you try to get something back in the original box, it can’t be done. Well, it can be done, but typically the box suffers and so do the contents of the box. I do know that duct tape helps keep a box from flying open at its bulging seams. Thus, artificial trees typically don’t look so good the next time you pull them out of the box, and ours was no exception. Of course, with all the lights, tinsel and ornaments, the tree is mostly hidden from view. I don’t think people notice. Or perhaps they’re just being kind. I’ve never had anyone speak to me about our cheap, plastic, deformed Christmas trees. Well, my brother-in-law Steve did say that he didn’t realize a tree could be in such sad shape and still be standing. I educated him about leaning it against the wall, in a corner. It cannot be freestanding. It’s all about the corner, the walls, and how you lean it into the corner. The angel on top of the tree is typically hard to see unless you’re standing off to one side. I don’t hold it against him. He’s an opinionated person and we’ve grown accustomed to it. He’s the same guy that once finished one of his many stories by saying, “That gal ain’t nothin’ but a fat old sow”. I thought I got off pretty lucky with his opinion of my tree. And, I couldn’t disagree with his summation of the lady. However, I probably wouldn’t have called her old. Ladies don’t like it when you mention their age.

Next, we moved to the ultimate: an artificial, lighted Christmas tree. It took me three years to pay it off, but it was worth it. I got it paid off this year. Unfortunately, the lights stopped working this year. So we had to buy lights for our lighted artificial Christmas tree. In my opinion, that’s just not right. But in the spirit of the season, and unlike my brother-in-law Steve, I kept my opinions to myself. My only suggestion to Mrs. T was that she could complete a nostalgic circle of tree life, back to the point where it all started with a real tree, by putting her lit lighted Christmas tree in a bucket of water. Like the old times.

My suggestion was not well received. Maybe it was because I had to yell my suggestion to her. I couldn’t turn down the volume on football game that I was watching from my recliner because I didn’t have the remote. And I didn’t want to ask her to hand me the remote, because I knew how busy she was with the tree. Maybe she just hadn’t gotten into the Christmas spirit like I had. I don’t think I’ll ever understand women. I tried to help her. . .and how did she show her appreciation? She had a suggestion of her own with regard to where I could stick the Christmas tree this year. . .ouch.

Friday Levity (01.08.2010)

2010-01-08T07:23:00.000-08:00

I cleaned out my sock drawer this week. And don't EVEN act like you don't have a sock drawer! I can envision some of you having more than one sock drawer! Mine wasn't a pretty sight/site.

First, I began by throwing away any socks which were totally, or partially green. . .I have educated Mrs. T on the dangers of mold and have asked her to STOP putting dirty socks back in my drawer. . .

Next, I had to figure out if the 25+ single socks were actually orphans, or did they have a mate somewhere in the mess? I hate matching up socks, as I suspected you all do.

Next, after matching up what I could, I then attempted to match up socks that were "close" to a match. I figured I could wear them when I work in the yard because my grandchildren dogs, Maggie and Rosco, couldn't care less, and my neighbors have learned to not even look when I'm out in the yard, because my wardrobe is often "less than coordinated". . .sometimes just "less". . .one of the many benefits of living out in the woods is wearing a much or little as you want. . .doesn't matter if it's missing, matched and/or mismatched. . .

Next, I threw away all remaining orphans. Also, I threw away socks that I hadn't worn in years. . . and for good reason! I wouldn't have ever imagined socks going out of style, but my argyle olive green and burnt orange fuzzy socks should have been outlawed when I was buying them years ago, and I know that I'd now get shot if tried to wear them now. . .at the very least I'd show up on the "People of Wal-Mart" website.

After it was all said and done, my sock drawer would actually close. I have made myself a promise that if I ever buy a pair of socks again, I'll throw away an existing pair of socks, thus maintaining "sock drawer karma".

Those orphans continue to perplex me with regard to whatever happened to their mates. Is it a ploy, by Mrs. T, to get rid of my favorite holy socks? She knows I would be mad if she threw away my favorite holy socks. I wonder if she throws away one and then puts its mate in the drawer, blaming the clothes dryer demons for the missing socks. I have good reason to believe she would do such a thing. . .I have a VERY favorite t-shirt and you know what I'm talking about! It was SO comfortable. . .thread bare, rips, one sleeve hanging on by a thread, frayed. This week, I found HALF of it in my t-shirt drawer after she had done the laundry. . .

Draperies

2009-12-11T10:25:00.001-08:00

I know that the purchase and installation of draperies and the associated hardware should not realistically be included in the same category as rocket science. However, I do believe there should be a warning on the package highly recommending the following reading prerequisites:

· Engineering 101
· The Female Mind
· Because I Said So
· Advanced Conflict Avoidance
· Advanced Conflict Resolution
· Advanced Survival Techniques For Husbands
· Mama Ain’t Happy – A Family’s True Story of Survival

Sadly, this week, I lost the battle for “There shalt be no draperies in this house”. I put up a valiant fight. We have lived in our house for eleven years. We have a lot of windows with no draperies, for very good reason: I want a lot of light, I want to see out and I do not want to be troubled with constantly opening and closing draperies.

We live in the woods. If someone wants to look in my window, good luck with that. Privacy, seems to be an overriding concern. First of all, if anyone is running around inside my house naked, EVERYONE should be running AWAY, including the peeping Tom, because if anyone is running around in my house naked, then something is very, very wrong. And peeping Tom should also know there is a Bull Mastiff named Rosco that enjoys meeting new people, especially if they’re trying to get away from him. He takes great delight in a game of “you run and see how long it takes me to catch you”. Dogs which weigh 100+ pounds and all muscle should not be able to run so fast, nor jump so high. I played the game of “run and catch”. Once. I can personally testify that unless you are trying to get away in a motorized vehicle then you aren’t going to get away. And he doesn’t give up. He WILL catch you and you WILL stay there until someone comes to rescue you.

However, despite all of these great arguments against draperies, we now have them.

We shopped for hours. Hours. And hours. And hours. And in the end, we selected things which we then discovered were “out of stock” when it came time to buy them. This is very, very wrong. Things should not be on display in the store and not be in stock.

However, her mind was made up and the clerks quickly figured out that this WOULD happen. (Please see “Because I Said So” above). Thus, when all was said and done, several phone calls had been made by numerous people. My credit card was used by three people, in three different stores, in three different cities with each store using a different type of delivery system scheduled for delivery on different days. Dejectedly, I walked out the store with a very small bag of curtain hooks. The last thing I can remember hearing was the clerk cheerily wishing me a happy holiday season and promising that “everything will be fine Mr. Toler”.

Soon after, we received a call from our credit card company verifying that we did INDEED spend money in three different stores, in three different cities, all within a matter of fifteen minutes. They asked HOW that was possible. I replied, “I don’t know, but I just lived through it”. I don’t think they ever really believed me. And quite frankly, I can’t blame them. I heard them whispering to each other in the background…“this must be a record of some kind”. However, because I did know my mother’s maiden name and the last four digits of my social security number, they finally agreed to accept my story. They were very kind, and I did truly appreciate them ending the phone call with “Our condolences”.

Miraculously, everything arrived this week. We started to install the first set. However, we still do not have any of them installed. I would refer you back to my recommended reading prerequisites above.

Supposedly, we are going to try installation again this weekend. And, as a precaution, if I do not show up at work on Monday, I would like to add one more to the list: “Missing Persons: Investigation and Recovery Techniques”…

==

I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way."

He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.

"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax. You've been working too hard."

==

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?”

==

A good listener is usually thinking about something else." ---Kin Hubbard

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. ---Ashleigh Brilliant

==

Ever wondered?

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

10. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Friday Levity 2008.12.18

2008-12-19T07:25:00.000-08:00

What follows are things I have read or heard this week. I believe they could be true. However, this is not for the faint of heart, so if you're the type who gets queasy when pulling a greasy hairball from the shower drain, you might want to stop reading now. You've been warned.
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A co-worker (we'll call her Keanette Jlemin to protect what little innocence she has left) stopped at the local car wash in her hometown recently and discovered a man washing his car. He was wearing only a pair of Speedos. Since that day, fellow co-workers have observed that Keanette's vehicle has been washed every day. Apparently she has taken a new interest in car care.
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Kenette's other experience for the week was the discovery of a man, passed out in the parking lot of a small grocery store in her hometown. He was naked from the waist down. And there was a bag of partially used marijuana next to him. Co-workers report that Kenette was greatly relieved to discover that she was the first on the scene, because it was a family member. She was able to salvage the contents of the bag and hide it before authorities arrived, which was a double bonus: no drug arrest and she could check his name off her Christmas gift list since she now had a gift for him.
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Apparently, the "green" movement has some radical followers including those that conserve water by saving their shower water, boiling it and wash their dishes with it. One person commented that an alternative to this dish washing approach is to use the water from any second flush you might do. Another person followed up with a comment that both of these methods of dish washing could be avoided by simply having a golden retriever in the house.
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Irish Humor:
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar (Hey, it could happen!!!)
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Delicious Christmas Cookie Recipe

Ingredients:

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup of brown sugar

lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts (your choice)

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle of Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp of sugar...beat again.

At this point, it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still fresh, try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the blasted fruit off the floor...

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt...or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!

Friday Levity 2008.12.12

2008-12-12T09:24:00.000-08:00

For those who share a commute to work with someone, you know that the level of complexity, and the need for logistics, are dramatically increased, typically in direct proportion to the number of people sharing the commute. However, if you are lucky enough to share a commute with your spouse, the complexity and logistics are at a much different level. A higher level. A level where there is danger around every corner (no pun intended). A level which has populated the infamous "doghouse"for centuries. Quite frankly, ANY type of commute with a spouse and/or family members requires much diligence on the male's part, to avoid an extended stay in the doghouse.
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I typically do not commute with MrsT but I did one day this week. And, I'm in the doghouse. It's actually Wal-Mart's fault , because she's very familiar with the store layout and she was in a hurry and she knew where everything is at WalMart (as she should since she is there so often!). But, alas, I've gotten ahead of myself. Let me backup and explain.
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I didn't know we were going Wal-Mart until we were already on the road. We were already running late, but I was making good progress in overcoming the deficit. It was then that she informed me that she needed to get some medicine for her cold. I was okay with that. Like, let's get real, how was I going to argue with that??? As I pulled into the WalGreens parking lot, I suggested that we stop there since it has convenient parking by the front door and it was right on the way. MrsT informed me that she not only needed some medicine but also needed a holiday ornament for the gift exchange at her work holiday party, which, we would BOTH be attending that night (I'm come to the conclusion that a holiday work party is second only to a family reunion for the number of people you don't know and quite frankly, people you probably don't want to know). A holiday party that I had previously been told about, and which I been told I would be attending, but I had sort of forgotten about. So, here I am, running late for work, and NOW, I'm pulling out of the Walgreens parking lot, heading for Wal-Mart at 6:30am in the morning! To shop for holiday ornaments!!! If my 4 cylinder Honda Accord could have burned rubber, I probably would have done it! But instead, I had to settle for running through all five gears of my manual transmission within 5 seconds and 50 feet of the Walgreens parking lot. I rationalized to myself that I was driving so fast because a car almost ran over me from behind when I pulled out in front of it.
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Unfortunately (for me), on the drive to Wal-Mart, I may have said a few things which were not in the holiday spirit. I seem to recall that I told her I was NOT going to participate in a gift exchange for stupid ornaments when we already had a tree full of ornaments! And I know I said some other things, but I can't recall them. I'm sure Mrs.T could give you the details of each and every thing I said. And you could ask her twenty years from now, and you would still receive that same level of detail.
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Obviously, it was a time when I should have just kept quiet and drove the car. Actually, I should probably always just keep quiet and drive. And, if you combine all of this tension with her not feeling well, well, suffice to say, after the shopping was done, the remaining, but short commute to her workplace, was a frigid one. The door on my car might not ever be the same. I think it would be fair to say that she shut the car door with more gusto than normal, as she exited the car. But, hey, perhaps she was just pumped up and was excited about getting to work and she will forget the entire episode. I choose to believe that. It gives me hope and it makes my time in doghouse pass more quickly…
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Some subject lines from Junk Mail received recently:
Triple-strength fat eraser!
Flush up to 20 excess pounds from your body!
Real Estate in Costa Rica
Become a Psychologist Online!
Your Psychology Degree is Ready!
Term Life insurance with no exam
Tired of the bar scene?
Need a Checking Account?
Dumb and poor? Here's a way to make money!

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After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.

His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.

The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.

The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n'Gogh.

The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.

The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.

The cousin from Illinois, Chicah Gogh.

His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.

His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.

The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.

The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.

The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.

The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.

The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.

His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.

And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.

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CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED...

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - - - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Friday Levity 2008.12.05

2008-12-05T09:04:00.000-08:00

I went shopping on "Black Friday" with MrsT. And I went again the next day. I refer to it as "Black as Pitch Saturday". Apparently, MrsT felt it was her patriotic duty to personally stimulate the economy's recovery. And several major department stores have her to thank for being their being in the black. As per usual, my role was to speak if spoken to, offer no opinions unless asked and most importantly, take her purchases out to the car. But, on the bright side, I also got to do one of my favorite past times: "people watching at the mall". Wowzer. The human species never ceases to amaze me. We surely do come in all makes and models. One notable teenager had more hardware attached and embedded in his face that I had ever seen before. Ugly silver and gold rings pierced into his eyebrows, nose, lips, ears. It looked as if he had somehow survived a head on crash with the jewelry counter at the local pawn shop. I wouldn't want to know what else he had pierced. Thankfully the rest of his body was covered with an ugly black trench coat, baggy black clothes and it was all accessorized with a large assortment of silver dog chains and a greasy stocking cap. There might be better words to describe it all, but two come to mind: "troubling and disturbing". He didn't stop to chat and I doubt he would have wanted my objective opinion anyway. I also took this time of observing and reflection to work on my 2009 resolutions. I have three so far:
1) I would like lose weight so I can once again shop in the "Classic Fit" section for jeans instead of the "Relaxed Fit" section.
2) I'd like to be able to wear boot cut jeans again. Right now, my calf won't fit through the leg openings (this is commonly referred to as "Roller Syndrome").
3) I would like to be able to once again wear a tapered dress shirt. I was bored, so I went into a nice department store and tried one on. However, and despite several attempts, I could not get the shirt to stay down, over my belly. Instead, it looked like a long sleeved tube top. I'm sure most of you find this to be a very disturbing visual. Be assured that it's not nearly as disturbing as actually being in a tiny dressing room with a full length mirror and personally witnessing it…
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"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
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Observations

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

Real Newspaper Ads

Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.

Wanted: Used paint.

Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Never tickled.

1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.

Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.

Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.

Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.

Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.

For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Great Dames for sale.

Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.

Friday Levity 2008.11.21

2008-11-21T08:38:00.000-08:00

Potato Chips. Another nemesis. I can't eat just one, unless there was only one in the bag when I started. In my opinion, a single chip left in the bag is one of life's gravest social blunders. Quite frankly, there can only be two acceptable excuses for leaving a single chip in the bag: You fell asleep or you passed out.
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I often use chips as an appetizer while waiting for Mrs.T to cook my supper. If she doesn't like me eating them as an appetizer, she should cook faster. I also have chips as an early evening snack. And for a late evening snack. And, sometimes, a middle of the night snack. MrsT doesn't like it me eating chips because she thinks they raise my blood pressure. I've tried hinting to her that it isn't the chips that raising my blood pressure. I have come to the conclusion what our society needs a new law, requiring that all jewelry stores prominently display a sign next to the engagement/wedding rings: "Permanently increases blood pressure in the male species". The high blood pressure begins with the discussion of a ring, it continues through the process of shopping for the ring and then continues through the process of paying for the ring. And, quite frankly, you never stop paying for that ring...
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Seen in the classifieds:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bugger. Bites!

FREE ; ; ;PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able
to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG . Looks like a rat . Been out a while. Better be
a big reward!

COWS,CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDICTRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie .

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything
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Several years ago, when I lived in Nigeria, I was once pulled over in Lagos by a large and very irate traffic cop.
“What color am I ?” he demanded.
I stammered in embarrassment, and mumbled something like, “Black” or “Dark Brown”.
“No I am not,” he cried, without a hint of humor.
“When I am like this” - and he raised his right palm above his head - “I am red”.
And then, waving his palm backwards over his shoulder, he added, “and when I am like this I am green.”
“Do not drive past me again when I am red!!!”
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Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, your favorite drink in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
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A Friday Riddle:
Q: What is 40 years old, in denial, glares at you when threatened, glares at you when not threatened, stomps its feet when mad, stomps it feet when demanding your attention, threatens you when cornered, threatens you when not cornered and is continually using postures and gestures in an attempt to make itself appear taller than it will never be?
A: My co-worker Rhonda in Human Resources has the answer to this riddle. And while you're there, wish her a happy birthday (Nov 26).
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Friday Levity 2008.11.14

2008-11-14T09:07:00.000-08:00

I have a nemesis. Well, okay, as you might suspect, I have many. But one in particular will probably haunt me the rest of my life: Lids on containers. Especially lids on containers in the refrigerator. And most especially, lids which screw on. My entire family accuses me of NEVER replacing lids correctly. I personally suspect that my children intentionally leave lids loose, just to watch me get in trouble with MrsT. I will be the first to admit that I perhaps have not put a lid back on...once…MAYBE twice…but is it fair that I get the blame EVERY time? Recently, a jar of pickles overturned in the refrigerator, but it wasn't discovered for awhile because it was WAY in the back behind all the leftovers and it apparently leaked very slowly. Ha! The lid was MOSTLY on! Thus, IF I were actually guilty of this incident, then I should have gotten some credit! Ultimately, there was pickle juice from top to bottom in the refrigerator, including those silly drawers at the bottom which hold healthful stuff that we never eat anyway. It was also ruled that I was at fault for placing the jar on the top shelf, instead of in the door where it belonged. Did I do it? I can't recall. Old age is the pits because I can seldom defend myself because I can seldom remember anything. In these kangaroo trials, I typically have hecklers (my children and their insignificant others) who enjoy observing the judge (MrsT) deliver a swift, immediate and guilty verdict. Seriously, what is the big deal about some pickle juice in the refrigerator? I personally thought it was very pleasing to the senses to open the door and have the smell of dill pickles wafting out…
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak - now you say, "Control Freak who?"
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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Friday Levity 2008.11.07

2008-11-07T08:07:00.000-08:00

I was headed out one evening to take a walk and as per usual, MrsT wanted to go with me. She always wants to go with me. Go figure. I like to think it's because she's crazy about me. Realistically, she's probably just crazy. I waited impatiently while she put on her shoes and reflective vest and applied lip gloss protection and sunscreen (although it was almost dark outside). We were FINALLY headed for the door when she paused to browse the daily mail on the kitchen counter. After a few moments, she continued on toward the door but paused once again, this time to browse $1 rebate form on the table...she had received it as a result of her spending $1000 at the mall (she had also received a 10% off coupon for her next visit so she was stoked!). My patience had expired, and I informed her that she was A-D-D (Attention Deficient Disorder). She calmly returned the rebate form to the table, nonchalantly headed for the door once again and stated, "I think you are B-U-T". I'm not a doctor, and I hadn't slept at a Holiday Inn Express recently, but I was pretty confident that she wasn't trying to flatter me with her diagnosis of my behavior. In fact, she concluded her diagnosis by informing me that she could add another "T" on the end of her diagnosis if I was having any trouble understanding my affliction.
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One of my co-workers told me that he wished he could meet MrsT the next time she was in the office visiting me. I suspect that he thinks I take editorial liberties with regard to MrsT. Because he is a male and because he is one of my co-workers means that he already has two strikes against him. He should be careful what he wishes for...
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JoeG, a fellow co-worker is leaving us today. You gotta love a guy that got ordained on the Internet, who wears a smile almost all of the time and has a BIG BLUE FLAME tattoo on his forearm! Suffice to say, Joe has a different "slant" on life. I don't think anyone (including Joe) has quite figured out what that slant is all about, but there is no doubt that he's slanting! Father Joe, I wish you the best. Break-a-leg!
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This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there isn't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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What do you call a monkey in a minefield ? A BaBoom!
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Boss To Employee: Why aren't you working?
Employee: I didn't see you coming.
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FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS
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Behind every successful woman is herself.
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Oh my gosh, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!
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Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.

A woman is like a tea bag … you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
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I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
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So many men, so few who can afford me.
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Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
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Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
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I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
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Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
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Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.
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Do not start with me. You will not win.
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All stressed out and no one to choke.
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I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
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How can I miss you if you won't go away ?
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Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
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If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Friday Levity 10.31.2008

2008-10-31T12:29:00.001-07:00

Mrs. T never passes up a chance to remind me I'm old. Recently, I took a few days of vacation to work around the house and enjoy the great Fall weather. As she was leaving for work one morning, she said, "Don't do any stupid or dangerous today". In my younger days, that would have meant climbing up in trees with a chainsaw or hanging from the roof to repair a top story window. Now it means standing on a step stool to change a light bulb or bending over to tie my shoes or not wearing my seat belt....pffft...I bet I'm the only guy who has a seat belt on his riding lawnmower…just because I fell asleep ONE time while mowing the yard. Sheesh. I wonder why she even cares about my safety other than my 401K keeps building in value. However, with the recent economy, I've noticed she's been encouraging me to mow and mulch several times a week...and ironically, she has stopped reminding me to buckle up…hmmm…and she reminded me last night that our security light, located at the very peak of our very tall roof, is burned out and should be changed...
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I got stopped by a policeman recently. He completely understood my reasoning for erratic driving when I explained that just because I was behind the wheel, it was Mrs. T who was actually doing all the driving, as per usual. Of course, it helped that my son is on the police force and his fellow officers had the inside scoop on Mrs.T. I asked the young officer what he was doing to do if he ever had to stop Mrs.T, to which he replied, "Call for backup".
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It's Halloween, and I expect my co-worker Roy to come by my desk with his annual observation: "So, you dressed up as a grumpy old man again? Great costume!" He's one of the big reasons why we stopped letting people from the Netherlands into the United States. We just cannot take a chance of having any more Roys here.
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A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right."
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"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kind of like being the guy on a date." --Caroline Rhea
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"In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there were actually, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study." ---Dave Barry
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Friday Levity 2008.10.03

2008-10-03T09:21:00.001-07:00

My elderly neighbor lady called last evening. She and her husband live just down the road from me. They had heard through the grapevine about my recent snake slayings and they had some questions. She first wanted to know if it was true that I had found snakes in my garage. After giving her the details, I heard her quietly reply, "Oh my" (as if contemplating quietly to herself). There was an awkward silence. Suddenly, I could hear her husband in the background. He tends to speak very loudly and is very animated. He was telling her to ask me what I use to kill the snakes. I told her I use a long handled shovel. She quickly relayed my answer to him. I then heard him asking, "What about a hoe? Will a garden hoe work?". Before she could relay his question back to me, and because I could clearly hear him in the background, I replied, "Yes, a garden hoe works just fine".
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"So you…". "How…". I could sense she was struggling to ask me how I actually do it, so I interrupted and said as nonchalantly as possible, "Just chop their head off. Sometimes, the head doesn't get completely chopped off, but it should be enough to kill them. Just don't pick up the head with your fingers because it will potentially have venom on it". She replied with another, but louder, "Oh my". I could hear her husband in the background, excitedly asking, "What? What? What did he say?". She relayed my statement to her husband. I could sense their apprehension was growing. She then asked, "But what if you're out walking and don't have your shovel?". Again, nonchalantly and very calmly, I replied, "I use a big rock". She replied with, "So, umm..so...”. Once again, I sensed she was struggling to ask, so I interrupted and said, "You just mash their head with the rock". Once again, her reply was "Oh my”.
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Her husband was still in the background asking, "What? What did he say?" I continued on, telling her that she should of course stay out of range so the snake can't strike her. "Oh my yes", she replied. I quickly added, "They typically can't kill a human, but it would sure make you sick. However, they would sure put the whammy on that little dog of yours". "Ohhhhh my Lord yes", she exclaimed. Like most family dogs, their little dog is just another member of the family to them. She then stated they are always with the dog when it's outside, thus it should be safe. Hesitantly, but with conviction, I replied, "Wellllllll, not necessarily. One of our other neighbors had a dog get bitten while sticking its nose under some flowers and the neighbors were standing right there at the time it happened". "Oh my, oh my", she replied.
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A double "Oh my" was an indication to me that I should probably try to say something to try and calm her fears. I could hear her husband excitedly asking, "What? What?". I wasn't sure what to say so I did the best I could. I told her to keep the garage and outside doors closed and to watch where the dog sticks its nose, and they all should be fine and if they do get bitten, they should not panic but instead, should get to an emergency room as soon as possible for some anti-venom. "Ohhh, yes, yes, my yes, we will, we will…yes that's a good idea", she replied nervously. She thanked me for the info and hung up the phone.
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As I hung up the phone, all this talk of snakes made me wonder if now would be a good time for the "rubber snake in the mailbox" practical joke routine. Of course, I wouldn't do it to my neighbor. But it would be great fun to see MrsT's reaction if she were to find a snake in our mailbox. However, a practical joke shouldn't cause someone to die. And quite frankly, I don't relish the thought of having Mrs.T hunt me down and kill me over a practical joke...
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Banks in Japan are suffering too. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. The Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
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"Vegetarian" is a word with Native American origins. It means "lousy hunter".
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What does one say to a dog named Minton who has an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks? Bad Minton!
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"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
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A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
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A repeat, but a good one:

At the Olympics, a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole and asked,
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?".

The competitor replied, "Nein, I am German. But how did you know my name ist Walter?"
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"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien

Friday Levity 2008.09.26

2008-09-26T08:44:00.000-07:00

My youngest daughter is a poor, starving college student (her opinion, not mine). And she thinks I should still support her (her and Mrs.T's opinion, not mine). When she asks me to buy her something, my standard response is always "No", and then I negotiate upward (typically Mrs.T gets involved at this stage in the process). I then ultimately buy what she had initially asked for. I fully understand that I have no real chance during these negotiations, but the process makes me feel better anyway. And, let's not fool ourselves…she and her mother seldom bother to come to me regarding most of their purchases. Their standard operating procedure is "Better to ask forgiveness than permission". Today, we "need" (her opinion, not mine) to buy a new cell phone. I despise buying cell phones. Of course, the cell phone makers no longer have the model she currently owns, so we will be required to buy a new, more expensive model, which means, of course, that we also will need to buy a new car charger and other miscellaneous accessories. I have officially added cell phones to my ever growing list of "necessary evils" which also includes food, electricity, running water, housing, cars, insurance, computers, Internet, clothing and In-laws.
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As I pulled off the highway into my subdivision yesterday evening, there were two young men standing beside an old pickup, its hood raised. It was obvious this truck had seen its better days (long ago). I stopped, rolled down my window and asked them if there was anything I could do to help them. One of them nodded toward the pickup and calmly stated, "Gets too hot and starts coughing, spitting, backfiring and finally quits running, but will be fine after a drink of water and a chance to cool down". I nodded, wished them luck and then continued on my way. Sadly, I could relate very well to that old pickup because I have the same symptoms any time I exercise...
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Q: When you apply for Welfare in Mexico, what does that Government give you?
A: The map of the United States
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The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture", replied the man.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife.", replied the man.
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I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him.

"Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words slowly and carefully, "Sauvignon blanc".
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And some quotes….
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

My version of that quote: "Money can't buy you happiness, but I'd sure like to give it a try"

Friday Levity 09.19.2008

2008-09-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

I've discovered a new way to completely clean and sanitize my entire BBQ grill. We Americans love our grills, but they can become a real grease pit, unless you're very diligent with your cleaning (which most of you ARE NOT!). There is grease buildup in the lid. And down the sides of the grill. And down in the bottom of the grill. And the underneath side of the grates. Yikes! This past weekend, I had gone outside and cleaned the "top" side of the grates (one should always clean the top side of the grates!). I had lit the grill for pre-heating and then returned to the kitchen to retrieve the meat, utensils and sauces. My son-in-law, who was sitting in the family room, nonchalantly asked if I was burning something outside. I looked out my family room windows and witnessed thick, dark smoke boiling past the windows. The smoke was so thick I couldn't see anything else but smoke!!! I ran outside to find my grill TOTALLY engulfed in flames (grease is very flammable you know!). But hey, I essentially killed two birds with one stone: I had removed all the old grease and I had disinfected the entire grill. However, I would suggest moving your grill away from the house ...
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I've killed three copperhead snakes around my house over the past week. I average about 4-5 killings per year. After years of experience, I consider myself an expert snake slayer. Steve Irwin wouldn't have appreciated my personal view on the conservation of poisonous snakes. Two of these serpents were discovered on the road between my house and a ravine. I suppose they were moving to the ravine for winter, but quickly met their demise at the hands of this ninja rock chucker. The third snake was in my garage, and she was the second biggest one I've ever killed. I actually took trophy pictures afterwards. I had walked within inches of her several times while I was cleaning and organizing my garage (i.e. hiding things from Mrs. T). When I finally saw her, she was curled up against the closed garage door. I soon introduced her to the business end of a long handled shovel (my favorite weapon of choice). However, I didn't want to kill her in the garage because they emit a very strong odor when killed (I suppose I would too if someone was cutting off my head with a shovel) There are people who can actually smell a live copperhead when one is in the vicinity! As for me, I typically stumble around and find them by mistake, usually after having almost stepped on them several times. I didn't want to run across the garage to press the button to open the door, fearing she might slither off and hide somewhere in my garage. So I yelled for Mrs.T and asked her to come open the garage door. I was going to scoop the snake out of the garage and kill it on my driveway. All went well. Mrs.T didn't panic and did her job well. Unlike her Grandma back in the depression of the 1930's. Mrs.T's Grandpa could pick up a snake by the tail, crack it like whip, effectively snapping its head off. Once, in the middle of the night, they heard the chickens cackling and obviously disturbed. Grandpa went to investigate. Eggs were a valuable commodity and they didn't want to lose chickens nor eggs to predators such as raccoons and foxes. Grandma decided to get up and go with Grandpa. He let her carry the lantern and he was carrying the gun. They soon discovered a HUGE snake in the chicken house. Grandpa could see its tail sticking out from underneath a shelf, so he decided to grab it and snap its head off. Just as he grabbed the snake, Grandma, knowing what was about to happen, ran out the door, taking the lantern with her, leaving Grandpa alone in total darkness, holding a snake who was trying to introduce itself to Grandpa. Grandma didn't get to carry the lantern anymore after that…

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Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Paddy says, 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken'

Operator 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street'

Operator 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence.

After a few seconds, operator asks, 'Are you there sir?' Silence.

A few more seconds elapse: Operator asks, 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'

This goes on for another few minutes until:- Operator 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me!!?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street'.

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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

*You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

*No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

**HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

****WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

*WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

*IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8 (just LOVE this one)

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Friday Levity 09.12.2008

2008-09-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

There is a place in your kitchen where I suspect toxic and non-toxic items reside, side by side, day in and day out. A place where you put things and forget about them, only to find them later. Some of you might be thinking "refrigerator", and I'm confident that guess would have some validity. But that's not what I speak of. It's a place I visit only when absolutely needed, and each time I go there, my emotions run the spectrum from anger to jubilation. I had to work on my sink this week. The place I speak of? Underneath the kitchen sink.
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First of all, I despise the design of the area underneath the sink, including the typical cabinet design. The floor of the kitchen sink is about three inches above the kitchen floor. To work on a kitchen sink, you must lie on your back with only a portion of you underneath the sink, and the remainder of you hanging out in odd, unnatural contortions on the kitchen floor. In my opinion, the area under the sink should hold at least half a body with plenty of room to maneuver around. But, unless you're a sideshow with a traveling circus, most people can only get their head and shoulders in that small, cramped space. And the floor of the cabinet then strikes you painfully and directly across your back. And then, the remainder of your body is bent downward as it flops around on the kitchen floor. Thus, I first feel the emotion of anger as I prepare to work on the sink. And then I experience more anger as I discover that I don't have the right tools and I am required to crawl out and then re-insert myself again. And then more anger as I work on the sink as I tear it apart. Finally, finally, I approach calmness as I get everything put back together. I turn the water supply back on, and if there are no leaks, jubilation! However, if there are leaks, I start over with the anger part (intensified) and I repeat this emotional rollercoaster ride.
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Of course, before I can work on the sink, I have to remove the small truckload of items residing under the sink, both toxic and non-toxic. Drano, bleach, oven cleaner. Scrubbing cleansers. Kitchen garbage bags (empty, unused ones thankfully!). Dishwashing soap. Dishwasher soap. Rubber gloves. Oh, and that mixing bowl which Mrs. T has been searching for. She has continually accused me in its disappearance. Sheesh, I had forgotten I put it under there to catch leaks. I'm still not sure how I'll explain its mysterious reappearance with all of her other mixing bowls. There was an old mousetrap which wasn't set (when you live in the country, mousetraps are a first line of defense, but obviously, they work better if baited and set).
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Of course, most people seldom see, nor remember, a lot of this stuff found underneath the kitchen sink. Typically, most people only deal with the items on the front fringes which are accessed frequently and easily. Everything else gets pushed to the back. Only the people who work on the sink actually get to discover what lives in that dark recess. I still haven't told Mrs.T about everything I found. I would have never guessed that mold could flourish on the underneath side of a sink like that. And most importantly, I haven't told her about all the things I put in the garbage. I sure hope she wasn't keeping that pretty, dainty flower vase for sentimental reasons. . .hmmm. . .was that the one she got on our first anniversary. . .or did she get it after the birth of one our children . . .hmmm. . .suddenly, as I write this, it is now painfully obvious that my emotional rollercoaster ride, while under the sink, clouded my judgment and decision making ability. . .I wonder if that would stand up in a court of law. . .
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On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"'

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
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"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day." --Paul Clay
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Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day.

"How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan.

"Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?", asks Joan.

"He sleeps with the dog!", replied Marianne.
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A repeat, but in this election year, it's worthy of a second time:
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While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin and his appointment to Prime Minister of Australia.

"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old farmer said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!''

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A real groaner. . .I should repent for having included it...

There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often over-thinned his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, until the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest buildings.

Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint, and yes, I am sorry to say, over-thinning it with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint off the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the over-thinned and useless paint. Wayne was no fool.

He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: 'Forgive me, forgive me, what must I do to be forgiven?'

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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Friday Levity 09.05.2008

2008-09-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

I'm going to address something this week which is an uncomfortable topic for most people. Not only is it uncomfortable, it will continually trouble those who don't come to grips with it. It often causes us to stare and/or be stared at. It sometimes causes us to avoid eye contact entirely. Some people actually try to deal with it by taking corrective and/or preventive measures, but alas, it's all in vain. Sometimes you just feel better because yours isn't as bad as theirs. It's happening right now as you read this. It's a constant in life. And it happens to most everything, living or not. It happened to my utility room door this week. There are things you can do to mask it. There are things you can do to make it temporarily disappear, but it will be back. It's relentless. There are things humans can wear to make it look better or attempt to hide it. At times, people should be wearing more (not less), because quite frankly there are things in life I'd just rather not see. It's a topic that you won't hear talked about around the water cooler…perhaps in the locker room, but not in social circles. Men typically won't broach the subject with women, although a woman will sometimes talk about herself (which is perfectly acceptable as long as you don't agree with her). However, a female will often and readily make a male aware his own affliction.
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Some of you might be guessing "hair loss". That certainly would have been a valid guess, with the exception of my utility room door. Perhaps you're guessing "weight gain". No way. Not going there. It's actually a very small word containing only three letters but carrying a heavy punch. Quite frankly, it might as well be classified as one of our dreaded four letter words not be used in social situations. I can attest that it has certainly done its fair share of damage to me. And quite frankly, from my vantage point, many of you haven't escaped its snare either. It's a word with many synonyms including "drooping, wilting, floppy, baggy, slumped, dropped, lolling, dipping or hanging down" Yes, folks, I have "sag". And don't be so quick to snicker. You too, my friend, are sagging, regardless of your age. You might not be sagging as badly as some, but it's happening. And I doubt you'll be as lucky as my utility room door. It had a loose screw and I was able to fix it…at least for a while. I seriously doubt that fixing one of your loose screws will yield the same results.
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But take heart. There is a silver lining to this story. Much of you" is migrating south, inching ever closer to the ground, and should you ever fall, much of you won't have far to go. A wise man once said, "It's not the fall that hurts...it's that sudden stop". Thus, the shorter distance you have to go, the better off you'll be. Embrace your sagginess. It's certainly embracing you.
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Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.

"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.

"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.

"Just a hunch", the doctor replied.
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A friend of mine acquired two new dogs and named them Rolex and Timex. They're watch dogs.
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Punny stuff…
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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
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She was only a simply country whisky maker but he loved her still.
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It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
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To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
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Sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center: 'Keep off the Grass'.

Friday Levity 08.29.2008

2008-08-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

I'm disturbed. I doubt this self analysis comes as a big surprise to anyone that knows me. Fueling my ongoing instability is continually finding things full or empty. It's very troubling.

Things that bother me when full:

The kitchen trash can. It's ALWAYS full when I go to toss something in it. How can this be?
A child's bedroom floor (clothes, CD's, electronic devices, mattress, books, food, dishes, etc.)
The floorboard, ashtrays, cupholders and seats in a child's car. Trash (e.g. fast food wrappers), stale food (e.g. french fries), shoes, clothes, a bag of food from last week's trip to Wal-Mart, textbooks used (or never used) several years ago, ATM receipts, other receipts…the list is endless
The sweeper bag
The top of the pool table in our basement (it's evolved into a large, flat, multi-level, horizontal storage area)
Wal-Mart on a Saturday
Mouse traps

Things that bother me when empty:

Ice cube trays in the freezer
Milk jug in the fridge
Ice cream box in the freezer
Gas jug for the lawn mower
The gas tank of a child's or spouse's vehicle when I go to drive it
Cereal box in the cupboard
PopTart box in the cupboard
Peanut butter jar
Bread wrapper on the kitchen counter (okay, okay…it actually has the two heels in it, which is the same thing as empty)
Jelly jar
Shampoo bottle (of course, I'm already in the shower before I discover this)
Soap dish (again…typically already in shower before discovering)
Paper towel holder
TP holder (again, typically already on the…ummm…never mind)
Coffee pot in the breakroom (it's ALWAYS empty…how can this be?)
Beef jerky bag
Potato chip bag (okay..a few crumbs in the bottom = empty)
Gravy bowl (when I get ready for seconds/thirds)
Dirty clothes basket in child's bedroom (see "full" items list re: bedroom floor)
Rat poison container

An to no one's surprise, there are things that I want neither full nor empty, because if too full, you can't find anything anyway and if empty, it's not being utilized:

Cupboards
Fridge
Freezer
Attic
Storage closets
Kitchen drawers (especially the one containing all the pieces and parts such as mixer beaters, BBQ applicator brush, ice pick, ice cream scoop, rat poison, etc.)

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
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"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?" --Emo Philips
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Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England, "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country...the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British nonsense," says Joe. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and rude.'

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Friday Levity 08.22.2008

2008-08-22T12:13:00.001-07:00

I have greatly enjoyed watching the Olympics over the past two weeks. My observations:

1. Divers wear Speedos, thus, I could not be a diver. Very few men should wear Speedos. Besides, I enjoy having blood circulation in my legs, which I'm pretty sure would disappear if I were able to actually get them on. I seriously doubt they come in an extra large size. "XL Speedo". Is that an oxymoron?
2. Divers should not take their showers in public.
3. Don't make an Archery person mad. They seldom miss. And they do it from 80 yards. You'll never know what hit you.
4. Badminton. Don't even think about it. Don’t embarrass yourself like that.
5. A "Shuttlecock" is defined as a conical shaped, high-drag projectile. I would define it as a potentially deadly weapon served by an oriental person. Of course, some might say the same thing about deep fried Cashew Chicken.
6. Ping Pong. Same story as badminton. Don't even try it.
7. Don't challenge a Jamaican to a foot race.
8. Caucasians should not attempt any event which requires running fast over short distances.
9. Events with athletes wearing Spandex should come with a parental warning: "Leaves nothing to the imagination".
10. There are people wearing Spandex who should be arrested.
11. Cameras should not zoom in on people wearing Spandex.
12. I'm a big fan of women's beach volleyball. Sand, Volleyball, Bikinis. It's "All American”, just like Baseball and Apple Pie. Go USA!
13. I don't really think cheerleaders in bikinis are necessary during the men's sand volleyball. But hey, "When in Rome…"
14. Being Chinese will increase your chances of winning a medal in any event involving judges and subjectivity.
15. If you're going to a fight, take a female shot putter or discus thrower with you.
16. Gymnastics requires that female participants be sixteen years old. Apparently the Chinese use a new math when calculating the age of their twelve year old girls.
17. Rowing. I want the job of sitting in the front of the boat and yelling at my teammates to row faster and harder! However, these are typically small framed people, so I doubt I'll be asked. I'm pretty sure the front of the boat shouldn't be lower in the water than the back.
18. If it has taken a country one hundred years to win its first medal in the Olympics, I think that country should go home and practice for another hundred years and then come back and try again.
19. Greco wrestling is just wrong. Sweaty males, groping and grabbing body parts while writhing around on a mat wearing tight Spandex body suits. That's just not natural. I cannot watch it.
20. I'm glad the balance beam is only used in female gymnastics. A mistake on the beam could cause a guy to lose more than points...
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For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity... (as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A civil war?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
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"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true." --Ian Hart
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During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"

Friday Levity 07.25.2008

2008-07-25T10:07:00.000-07:00

I may have committed a very serious crime this week. Ironically, I didn't sleep at all. Why ironic? Read on.
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My eldest son was a witness. He could have easily committed the crime if not for the winds of good fortune in his sails. His only response: "Uh oh...you're in BIG trouble now!”, followed by much laughing. He was obviously very shaken.
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I suppose I'm now considered a fugitive, although law enforcement hasn't been notified yet. Quite frankly, I don't know who to report the crime to. Local law enforcement? FBI? Department of Urban Affairs? Mrs. T doesn't seem to be concerned about my life of crime. Although, she did ask if my 401K would still be in play even if I were in prison upon retirement age.
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Some background on the situation:
Mrs. T had gotten another severe case of "shopping fever" this week. I tried various things to ward it off (e.g. waving cash under her nose, hoping the smell of U.S. currency would get her over the fever). However, through her own self diagnosis over the years, she has discovered there is really only one tried and tested cure for this affliction: the sound of a credit card being swiped through a reader and the sight, sound and smell of freshly printed receipts.
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Thus, as per usual, I'd like to try and blame this entire incident her her. I was happy with our 25 year old mattress, but she wanted a new one! She reminded me that it was 25 years old when we first got it from the flea market. Details, details. As you might have guessed by now, I accidentally tore the tag off our old mattress as I was moving it. It was purely an accident! For those of you who haven't read the fine print on a mattress tag: "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW".
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I always love moving things from place to place in the house and helping Mrs. T with her home projects, but with tag in hand, I immediately informed Mrs. T that I must stop the moving project and report this to authorities! I told her it might take a long time to resolve this. I told her there was probably a "Bureau of Mattress Police" in Washington, D.C. She gave me "the look" and ordered me pick the mattress up and get moving now! She then assured me that she would visit me during my incarceration, if she could find the time in her busy schedule.
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I couldn't sleep for two reasons: 1) getting accustomed to new mattress 2) having an old mattress with no tag out in the garage. I got up in the middle of the night and replaced the tag. I used a lot of duct tape. Obviously, I didn't want it falling off. And, I placed the tag in the very center of the mattress, for the entire world to see. I also taped on an additional note: "TO WHOM IT CONCERNS: THIS WAS AN ACCIDENT!".
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If this goes to trial, I can only hope that the judge is male and he appreciates my use of duct tape. And hopefully, he is married. He might then find mercy, due to his own familiarity with shopping fever. I suspect it's a mostly unreported national epidemic, causing untold numbers of domestic disturbances, bringing chaos and havoc into the homes of middle class America.
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A man boarded a plane with eight kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
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Tired of always fielding this same question from strangers, he had developed a standard response: 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

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"My parents used to tell me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.' I tell my children, 'Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.'" -Thomas Friedman
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When insults had class:

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "I believe it's Wedding Cake?"

Friday Levity 07.18.2008

2008-07-18T09:29:00.000-07:00

Last week I reviewed my trip to Washington, D.C. I forgot to mention that when riding the escalators in the subways, you will need to always stand on the right hand side. The natives seem to always be in a big hurry to get somewhere as they are continually running up and down the escalators. And if you are standing in their way, they are not shy to remind you that escalators are not for standing and riding on...
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Recently, I saw a screwdriver on the counter in the utility room. It was left there by one of my offspring. Of course, they originally found it in my toolbox in the garage. I suddenly realized that youngsters never put anything up because they simply remember where they last used something and that's where they go when they need it again. However, that doesn't work for me, because I can't even remember where I am now. However, I've learned how to get my revenge. Sometimes, when I'm bored, I go to their rooms and move stuff around. And I rearrange the piles of dirty and clean clothes on their floor. It really messes with their routines…they can't find anything!
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I recently met a lady on the road, driving her car while leaning forward, looking in the rearview mirror and applying makeup to her eyes. I don't EVEN have to tell you how wrong this is. Freaks me out every time I see it, especially when they are on my side of the road. If we can outlaw cell phones while driving, I think "makeup" should be added to the list. And tacos (i.e. lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and pieces of hamburger are distracting when trying to retrieve and eat the pieces from your lap and car seat). Oh, and let's not forget cigarettes. Although I don't smoke, I am confident that a lit cigarette dropping between the legs of a driver quickly causes driving to become a second priority…
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I would venture a guess that everyone has a place for keys. Perhaps a kitchen drawer. Or a big bowl (along with old pens, pencils with broken lead, sticks of old gum and a big pair of toenail clippers). Or maybe you have an actual key hanger/letter holder on the kitchen wall. Or maybe you have a mongo keychain. I recently checked my keychain and had three keys I didn't recognize. I could not remember what they were for. Americans seem to believe that we should save all keys because we JUST MIGHT need them some day. It's almost a religion. I immediately threw those three keys away. I was pumped. I immediately went to the kitchen and threw away some more keys that I didn't think we needed. It was exhilarating!!! Almost as exhilarating as the first time I was actually able to outrun my mother as she was trying to catch and spank me (she lost a step once she hit age 50!). I suggest you try throwing away some of your keys!
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I sure hope that none of those keys were actually needed by Mrs. T. She's religious about keeping things. Sheesh…now I'm thinking that there is a hellfire and brimstone sermon is in my future.
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A little boy had just started school. He was doing so well his grandfather took him to the zoo to celebrate.

As they stopped at each enclosure the Grandfather would asked the boy, "What's this?" It's a Lion," the boy replied. "That’s good," said Grandfather. "And what's this in the next one?" "Its tiger" replied the boy.

"Well done," said Grandfather "you're so clever. And what's the big one over there." "It's a fricking elephant." Said the boy gleefully. "What did you say," queried the Grandfather? "A fricking elephant," he repeated. "And where did you learn that?" asked Grandfather sternly. "Over there on the sign,” he replied pointing, ”A-f-r-i-can Elephant.”
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While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
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I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
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"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."---Milton Berle
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Seen recently in an advice column in the newspaper:
Q: What's the worst thing a wife can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning Sickness.
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A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."

Friday Levity 07.11.2008

2008-07-11T08:36:00.000-07:00

Mrs. T and I recently went to Washington, D.C. for a vacation. A fantastic place to visit and I would recommend it! Before leaving on the trip, I found it quite fascinating that both of my daughters (unbeknownst to each other), and in all seriousness, demanded that I be nice, behave myself and not antagonize the natives. My sons simply encouraged me to have fun and not get arrested. Very interesting gender specific perspectives by those who know me. I suppose they were essentially all saying the same thing.

Some of my observations:
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There are no longer any cab drivers of Caucasian ancestry. And, I can't prove it, but it seems there is a direct correlation in the number of cabs vs. the number of dishonest politicians. Needless to say, there are thousands of cabs! Getting a cab is never a problem. Communicating with the cab driver, however, can be. They seem to comprehend landmark names very well. You should speak loudly and clearly, almost as if yelling (KENNEDY CENTER!!!). Yelling seems to be how they communicate with each other. And cash. Cabbies understand our monetary system very well. Interestingly, regardless of age, gender or ancestry, cash seems to bring a smile to everyone's face, especially Mrs. T's. When she's having a bad day, I've always suspected she goes to the ATM for a "pick-me-up".
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A "nanosecond" is the amount of time between the traffic light changing and the person behind you honking their horn. Honking appeared to be its own form of communication, but not as a greeting (as here in the Ozarks), but rather, a warning of "pending road rage" (similar to the Princess Bride movie, in the Fire Swamp scene, the popping noise prior to the fire danger). Cabbies have zero tolerance for "rubber necking" and for people who have no idea where they are going. And, they seemed to have really embraced our right to freedom of speech, judging by the frequent use of their middle finger when communicating with me.
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When entering any building, you and your belongings will be x-rayed, searched and sometimes sniffed. If you have a problem with this, or if have a problem with being radioactive upon your return, you shouldn't go to Washington, D.C.
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Street vendors take "business casual" to the extreme. Personal hygiene, including shaving, is definitely optional (women included). Bright, flowered Hawaiian shirts were common attire, which seemed quite ironic since we're about as far from Hawaii as one could get. However, I would recommend that big store chains take notice of the efficiency at which these vendors run their businesses in a small space. A combined department, convenience and grocery store being ran from an old, rusty full sized van from one of our big three auto makers (Chevy, Dodge and Ford). Very patriotic! I'm confident that Detroit is proud to know they dominate the "mobile vending market". Shirts, dresses, scarves, hats, jewelry, umbrellas, food items, narcotics, music CD's. It's truly amazing what can be sold from an old, rusty, full-sized, American-made van with its side missing. Awning required.
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Eating establishments can be difficult to find. And when you do finally stumble across them, you tend to be so hungry and exhausted that anything sounds good. Regardless of how hungry you are, I might suggest that you bypass the "Potbelly Deli" and "Burrito Bro's".
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When gazing from Arlington Cemetery (in Virginia) across the Potomac River to the Lincoln Memorial (in Washington, D.C.), it doesn't appear to be too far away. Thus, we walked from Virginia to Washington, D.C. Of course, having never been to the Lincoln Memorial, we had no idea how massive it is. Taking a cue from my car's rearview mirror ("Objects may be closer than they appear"), and for the remainder of the trip, I repeated the following words to myself whenever I was tempted to walk instead of take the metro: "Buildings and monuments are never as close as they appear".
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Elevators are well known for invading our personal space. However, the Metro (subway) takes that to a whole new level during rush hour. I recommend using the Metro….but not during rush hour. Rubbing elbows with the natives is fine with me. However, rub me with anything else and it really starts freaking me out. Avoiding eye contact was nearly impossible because there are just too many eyes. I quickly learned to close my eyes and pretend to sleep. I also breathed through my mouth, thus eliminating the ability to smell anything...
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With regard to buildings, it is clearly obvious that "Bigger is Better". The buildings are truly massive. And it's readily apparent that granite or marble are the only choices allowed (i.e. I saw no A-Frame wood construction with vinyl siding!). Some of the restrooms even use marble in their stall partitions and privacy dividers!!! I really wanted to take a picture! However, I suppose there are times when not having a camera turns out to be a good thing. And, quite frankly, a guy snapping pictures in the men's restroom would probably make most men very uneasy...I know I would be...
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My doctor said I was paranoid... well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.
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Emery (Age 5) entertained us this week with another "Emery-ism" as reported by his mother Aimee :
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My son, Emery, came to me last night with a tightly rolled-up message asking for a bottle to put his message in. I informed him that we don’t have any – we’ve either packed it in anticipation of an end-of-month move or thrown it out. He trots off. Ten minutes later he comes back with a now-empty bottle of soy sauce excitedly telling me he found a bottle. Nice.

Friday Levity 06.13.2008

2008-06-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

I've been in the doghouse for most of this week, which probably comes as no surprise to anyone. It seems, in a man's life, if it involves a female (e.g. mother, girlfriend, wife, daughters) there is a very fine line between saying too much and saying too little. And, as you might imagine, I crisscross that line quite often, usually with great fanfare. I'm extensively married (i.e. married a long, long time!) and I still haven't learned the fine art of staying out of the doghouse. There are times when I know I should just keep quiet, but I just can't (e.g. "Can't you clean up after yourself WHILE you cook instead of trying to dirty every bowl and dish in the house?") . And then there are times I know I should say something, but I just can't make myself say it (e.g. "I know you like that outfit. Buy it! Let's not worry about how much it costs") . And then, there are times when I say something with a great beginning but a dismal ending (e.g. "Sure, go ahead and go shopping for clothes. Have fun! It's not like you JUST went shopping last week and I have no idea why you need to go again."). And sometimes there are times I really do try to state my feelings, but fail miserably (e.g. "If YOU think that outfit looks good, then you're the one that has to wear it, and you're the one that needs to be happy wearing it, so feel free to buy it if you want to").
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It seems quite ironic that I hear the most complaints about my "lack of conversation", and yet, conversations are where I often get into the most trouble. I'm a work in progress, and obviously, it's a lengthy project . I hope the project survives any premature, show stopping deadlines (emphasis on "prematurely dead").
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I did something this week that I've never done before. I created a new word!!! "Conern". It's a noun. It's a person who is a "concern" and also "a few strokes short of sharp blade" . Visualize a ConeHead who greatly concerns you because he's going to say or do something to screw things up. Example Usage: "He's a conern". Feel free to use it. But if you don't mind, let me be the one to contact Mr. Webster…I'm sure it will quickly become a part of our culture. I know it has at my house. Mrs. T latched onto it immediately. And because I invented it, I like it a lot better than those other things she calls me...
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If you're sitting in a traffic jam watching the minutes tick away and you've decided honesty isn't the best policy for you, think of a believable and acceptable reason you're walking in late. After all, if you were a hiring manager who heard any of these real-life excuses for being late, you'd be suspicious, too.

While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.
My route to work was shut down by a presidential motorcade.
I have transient amnesia and couldn't remember my job.
I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.
I was trying to get my gun back from the police.
I didn't have money for gas because all of the pawnshops were closed.

...

My friend often complained that his wife needing to be more organized, paying attention and staying focused. He recently had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, and he boasted, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath." I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

Friday Levity 06.06.2008

2008-06-06T08:56:00.001-07:00

First, a clarification from my entry last week. The two women from the Internet who showed up at the New family reunion were history buffs who were studying the history of small towns in Missouri. The man that brought these ladies is also a history buff (he's married to Mrs. T's sister). He has several websites devoted to small towns in that area, thus they all had met each other on one of his websites. Now I'm not sure what you all were thinking when I said a guy showed up with two women he'd met from the Internet and they were sharing pictures, but I doubt that you thought they were studying history of small towns. Tsk, tsk. Regardless, Uncle Garland would have still been proud to go tell his buddies at the truck stop about it. And I doubt that he would have mentioned the history stuff. .
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I was in the yard last evening, innocently and nonchalantly pulling weeds. My eldest son wandered by and asked if I was in trouble. As per usual, I was thinking slowly and didn't catch what he was inferring and in my usual intelligent way of communicating I asked, 'Huh?", to which he replied, "You're pulling weeds. I assumed you were in trouble". Pffft. It's bad to have a reputation that precedes you. He's the same son that will randomly laugh out loud when Mrs. T has her backed turned to us, causing her to turn and glare at ME as she WRONGFULLY assumes that I was saying or doing something behind her back. And he just laughs and laughs and laughs, enjoying every second of it, as I attempt to unsuccessfully defend my innocence. I can't deny he got his sick sense of humor from me…I just wish he wouldn't use it against me. . .
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As you can hopefully see, I deal with a lot of adversity and consequently, my body continues its rapid decline. Some people assume I have wrinkled skin due to my age. Wrong. I believe it's somehow a direct correlation to being in "hot water" all the time. And I can only blame my grey hair on my teenagers, because I never had grey hair before I had teenagers. And my extra weight can only be blamed on Mrs. T because she gets upset if I don't take a second helping of food every time I eat (especially if it's a new recipe!) as she WRONGLFULLY assumes I don't like her cooking any time I don't take seconds. Perhaps I just wasn't hungry when I refused that second helping of her new recipe of spinach and egg quiche! Perhaps quiche is very filling to me! And just because she found me in the kitchen five minutes later, eating potato chips, is NO cause to accuse me of faking being full of quiche! Can't a guy get hungry again in five minutes? Pffft. I'm going to start keeping a bag of chips stashed in the garage…checking the oil in cars can make a person very hungry......
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Kids Are Quick____________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' _________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ______________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________ . .
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
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Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
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I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
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Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
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Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac
George Carlin
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I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
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How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by...

Friday Levity 05.30.2008

2008-05-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

The "New" family reunion (sounds like a good name for a folk/bluegrass/gospel band from Arkansas). The reunion was held, as always, on Memorial Day weekend in Liberal, Missouri. Liberal is the typical farming community small town where the downtown, uptown and suburbs are all at the same location and when taking a tour, you know you're finished when the paved road becomes a gravel road and tractors/combines outnumber the cars on the road.
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Fortunately, I did not have to take Uncle Garland's place this year (something I posed as a possibility in my last blog entry). This was a good thing considering Mrs. T had warned me that it would be the last thing I ever did. I think she was referring to the last thing I would ever do in my life, not just the reunion. Thankfully, other members of the family stepped up to the plate this year.
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First, there was Aunt Jane who has gone mostly deaf and talks three times louder than she needs to. Additionally, she now has a cyst in her nose which causes her to have a total nasal blockage. And we now all know how to remove a cyst from the nose, because she described in gory detail, her upcoming operation to remove the cyst. With her nasal passages blocked, she sounds EXACTLY like the "Momma" character from the movie "Throw Momma From The Train". I fully expected Billy Crystal and Danny DeVito to show up on the train running on the tracks behind the park pavilion. The first time she yelled "Pass the salt!" everyone thought she was going to kill someone. It was all a bit unnerving until you acclimated yourself to her yelling and having to place your lips on her ear before she could hear you talking. I avoided eye contact and had nothing to say to Aunt Jane.
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There was cousin Johnny who is a "big feller" (6'4'", 300+ lbs, HUGE belly). He's a talker. And storyteller. The most troubling story this year involved his little old neighbor lady calling him in the middle of the night because a burglar was breaking into her house. Johnny grabbed his big .357 magnum (that's a pistol in case you're wondering) and he ran out of his house wearing ONLY his boxers and a pair of knee high rubber boots. He held the person at gunpoint until the police arrived. I wanted to tell Johnny that a gun probably wouldn't have been necessary. I know personally that I couldn't move for several minutes after envisioning him wearing only boxers and rubber boots. I firmly believe I went into shock. If it had actually happened to me in person, I'm confident that I would not have moved for quite some time.
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And finally, the biggest news of the day: A male member of the family showed up with not one, but TWO women he had met on the Internet. As you can imagine, it was a shocker. And they were sharing pictures and stories. As you can probably imagine, it is still the talk of the family. Because they were late in arriving, I only got to visit with them for three hours. You probably think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Uncle Garland would have been proud…
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CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
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A tough old cowboy told his grandson that the secret to long life was sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning.

The grandson did so religiously and sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 93.

When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a five metre hole ion the wall of the crematorium
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When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please." I'm still not married…I've realized women can never be pleased.
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A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Friday Levity 05.23.2008

2008-05-23T08:37:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day weekend. The "New" family reunion. It is Mrs. T's mother's side of the family. Yeah. Believe it. And, yes, "New" is their real name. I always thought "New" was an interesting name. When a baby is born, do they announce that "We have a new New baby?" (go ahead and try it…say it out loud...it makes you sound like you have a speech impediment…if nothing else, it makes you look goofy as you purse your lips). When our kids were young, they always went to this reunion. Well, actually, they had no choice. Now that they're older, they refuse to go. My oldest son would rather have a root canal. No wait, even worse. He'd rather go clothes shopping for an entire day with Mrs. T. Now that the kids are older, they just refuse to go. I too refuse to go!!! And each year as I attend the reunion, I am guaranteed four things will always happen. And these four things involve Uncle Garland. Uncle Garland isn't a "New". He married a "New". Garland can best be described as an bib overall wearing ex-truck driver who smokes like a chimney, is loud, obnoxious and sounds as if he's totally wasted (drunk) all the time. However, he doesn't drink. He just sounds like it. The four things that Garland will always do:
(1) Make a very loud comment, for ALL to hear, about the size of his wife's butt and he will conclude by saying "and from the looks of the other New sisters, it must be inherited"
(2) He will very loudly announce he is going to tell a crude joke, and he will then do so
(3) He will sit at the same table, same seat and talk constantly (even if no one is sitting there with him), never getting up except for food, bathroom or smoke break
(4) He will sing the country classic "All My Ex's Live In Texas" (usually with a cigarette dangling from his lips)
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This year will be different though. Uncle Garland passed away. He always wanted to be taken to the cemetery on a trailer pulled behind an eighteen wheeler. He got close. The hearse broke down and we all had to wait at a truck stop for a different hearse to come get him. I'll always suspect he enjoyed that.
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I am thinking about taking Uncle Garland's place this year. I have some bib overalls, but I will need to get some cigarettes. I'm going to try it one time. And if I survive, I'm thinking I won't have to go next year because Mrs. T won't let me. Please don't tell Mrs. T about my plans…I want it to be a big surprise. My kids are going to be sorry they missed this...
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Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "Good grief! - how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first - it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house - it was Momma Bear who made the coffee - it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, & put everything away- it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper - it was Momma Bear who set the table - it was Momma Bear who put the blasted cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's food & water dish AND, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs to grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence --- listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.....
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I HAVEN'T MADE THE B L O O D Y PORRIDGE YET!!"
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"Father's date of birth?" the nurse asked, while gathering information after my son's birth. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"

"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."
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Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush
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Friday Levity 05.16.2008

2008-05-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

This week, I was provoked by a member of our counsel. And I responded. I suppose this might be considered walking on thin ice, but, but no more so than arguing with our HR representatives or other co-workers, which seems to occur on a regular basis. My defense for arguing and harassing people? People are always provoking me. How do they provoke me? Typically they ask how Mrs. T is doing. Or they will ask if I've been mowing or pulling weeds this week. Or they'll ask if the women of the family have been shopping recently. This week, I was provoked in yet another way. Simee Amashey (name changed to protect myself) sent me an e-mail asking if another employee (Mnn Ailes) was available for some extra work duties that afternoon. I responded to the e-mail, saying Mnn rarely does anything for me, and in fact, I rarely see Mnn, thus, if you can use her in your area and get any work out of her, go ahead with it and good luck. Of course, Mnn doesn't work in my department. And, the e-mail was actually intended for the other distinguished, tall, dark and handsome Ken (we two Ken's are often mistaken for each other…however, it’s easy to know the difference…he alternately wears a sling on his left and right arms). If Simee doesn't want me responding to her e-mail, she should stop sending it to me. In response to my response, Simee called me a "rascal" and stated that "her admiration and respect for Mrs. Toler grows every day". Quite frankly, I typically have a very difficult time interpreting legal talk, but in this case, I’m confident she wasn't trying to flatter me by bragging on Mrs. T. As you can clearly see in this very real example, I was provoked, I then responded and suddenly, Mrs. T is being put on a pedestal and I'm being slandered by a lawyer. Surreal and ironic…a brief, yet accurate synopsis of my life. As a side note, I have discovered that Ms. Simee has a real passion for our US constitution. To those who know her, I dare you to send her a joke about the constitution and/or otherwise question or misquote the constitution. Double dog dare you. No, wait…I triple dog dare you. Let me know how that goes. If doing it in person, I would recommend taking a few steps back before you begin...
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One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy," she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"
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THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
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My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
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My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to slap you into the middle of next week!'
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My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why .'
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My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
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My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
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My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
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My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
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My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
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My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
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My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
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My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
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My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
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My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
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My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
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My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
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My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
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My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
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My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
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My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'
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My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
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My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
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My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
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My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
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And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
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On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."

Friday Levity 05.09.2008

2008-05-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

People often ask me why I park so far from the door at work. I explain that it's part of my overall health and exercise plan. After their customary snickering/laughing subsides, I typically attempt to further explain that a few extra steps a day will add up over the years and I want to lose fifty pounds by retirement. Right now, I’m on track to retire at age 115. On my daily parking lot walk over the years, I've noticed that employee parking habits are very similar to way people park themselves in pews at church. There are the "hardcore" parkers that always park in the same spot every time, much like elderly Mrs. Jones who has sat in the same spot in the same pew for a hundred years (I've heard rumors that Mrs. Jones is in a legal battle with the church in her attempts to "will" her pew position to her heirs). Then there are the "Treasure Hunters". It's a new world every day as they look for the elusive "best available parking spot". They are often giddy with excitement if a parking space close to the door is found. Unfortunately, they often park in the spot of a hardcore person, which can cause workplace friction. It's the responsibility of these treasure seekers to know where the hardcore people park and avoid those spots. Next, are the "fair weather" parkers. They pretend to be hardcore, but if there is a chance of inclement weather, they turn into treasure hunters. You know who you are Crystal Courter (as always I swapped the first character of the first and last name to help protect the actual person's identity). And finally, there are the hellish angels who ride their scooters and "bikes"…they have no parking agendas…their bikes are parked as if they were abandoned in the midst of a Chinese fire drill...they don't care…they're bikers…just stay out of their way and there will be no problems. Men wearing leather clothing greatly concerns me, but that's another story for another day. And, of course, sporadically, a visitor wanders into our world, they have no idea where to park, thus, they will typically receive forgiveness for their social blunders…a "mes faux pas dans la vie" (the mistakes I made in my life). The elderly Mrs. Jones has been known to inform a person they are sitting in her spot in the pew and she will then proceed to tell the visitor to move. And the same will happen to anyone who parks in my spot out in the back forty next to the smelly trash dumpster with its pungent juices seeping from within. It’s my spot. Leave it alone.
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Yeah, hardly worth my time going home, is it?
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
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Father Patrick replied sarcastically, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for animals in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
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Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $50,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
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Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus…why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? Of course we can do the service!"
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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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The funeral had concluded, everyone was gone except the pastor and the husband who had remained by the gravesite quietly visiting. Suddenly, several lightning strikes occurred followed by loud, rolling, booming thunder. The little old man paused, looked heavenward and casually commented to the pastor, "Well, looks like she made it".

Friday Levity 05.02.2008

2008-05-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

I woke up around midnight last evening and couldn't get back to sleep. I was hungry, so I headed for the kitchen for a midnight snack. Of course, if I had awakened at 11pm or 1am (or any other time) it would still be a midnight snack. "Midnight snack" is a generic term, so as a FYI, you should never get hung up on the name. Essentially, if you wake up, and you're hungry, go get a midnight snack, even if it's in the middle of the day after waking up from a nap. Back to last night. To keep from disturbing people, I didn't turn on any lights. There is something very peaceful about the quietness of the kitchen late at night, with only the hum of the refrigerator to be heard and the refrigerator light illuminating my search. I sometimes envision myself as a spy, on a covert mission (especially when I'm on a diet and not supposed to be snacking). Last night, I concluded that our refrigerator has turned into just another storage unit, similar to closets, cabinets, attics, garages and the car trunk. Of course, the things stored in a refrigerator can't be stored in those other storage places because it would smell after only a short time whereas it will typically take 2-3 days in a refrigerator before something starts smelling. I've saw things in our refrigerator last night that could have been entered in a science fair and probably would have won a blue ribbon. There was a bowl of green stuff which I'm confident wasn't green when initially stored. I wonder if eggs have an expiration date, because if they do, I think we have a carton of eggs in the back of the refrigerator that may need to be thrown away. Last night, I had my heart set on some homemade Guacamole dip. I knew we had made it several days ago and was hoping to find some leftovers. However, I should note that Guacamole dip is somewhat dangerous when stored since it is green to begin with. Thus, one needs to exercise caution, especially if it's been stored for awhile. You need to avoid anything with a fuzzy texture and a different shade of green. After last night, I do not recommend eating stored guacamole as a late night snack in a dimly lit kitchen. Without good light, mold is almost indistinguishable from guacamole dip. I can also tell you that mold on the roof of the mouth causes a strange sensation. Kind of like a fuzzy spider crawling up your neck, except it's on the inside of your mouth. Luckily, I didn't inhale. Listerine mouth wash doesn't specifically say that it kills mold and mildew, but I think it does…especially if you use enough of it. And as a side bonus, although still hungry, I had refreshingly clean breath when I went back to bed. Although she never said anything, I think Mrs. T probably wondered why I got up at midnight returning a short time later with Listerine breath. But over the years I'm sure she has learned that worrying about my antics is not typically time well spent…especially if she could be sleeping instead...
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had
to arrest your own wife?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
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Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

This one is for all of you who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having awonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy look at this," as she stuck out two of her little fingers.
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Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!", pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
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When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
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I asked, "What's wrong, honey?"
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She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Friday Levity 04.25.2008

2008-04-25T08:34:00.000-07:00

The brains of men and women function differently. Males need to understand this very basic, but critical fact. It can help prevent stress in a relationship. Essentially, a good relationship depends on the male following two key rules: (1) Do not try to figure women out (2) Women are always right. Various doctors/authors have become rich dispensing such advice. Mine is free for the taking..

Let's examine two real life examples of how our brain processing differs: Cars and giving directions.

I, like most men, identify people by the cars they drive. Mrs. T's concept of cars primarily centers around the following: "Start, Go Fast, Stop Fast, Survival of the Fittest". Recently, she remarked that she had seen our friend Greg driving a big pickup. I knew Greg had been wanting to buy a pickup and I excitedly asked, "Was it new or used?" I got a look of disdain from Mrs. T. Knowing that Greg is a Dodge man, I immediately followed up with another question, "Was it a Quad Cab, Long Bed, 4x4?" "I think it was red", she replied. Later, Mrs. T asked if I knew the Browns who had recently moved to our town. I pondered a moment, and then asked, "Do they drive a white Chevy minivan?” She replied with, "I think it's a van, but not sure if it's mini. Actually, I'm not even sure it's a van. But whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's white. And I think it has some kind of blue sticker in the back windshield".

I recently volunteered to go pick up something for Mrs. T at a store in a neighboring city. She was busy doing laundry and cleaning the house and I didn't have anything going on, so I volunteered to go. I asked her for directions to the store.
"Go down Glenstone street and then turn by that dry cleaning store", she said. (NOTE: In her direction vocabulary, "Down" = "South" although she doesn't realize it). "
"That dry cleaning store?", I asked.
"Yes, the one by that cashew chicken place", she replied.
"There are thirty cashew chicken places on Glenstone. Which one would that be?", I asked.
"By the Steak and Shake", she replied.
At this point, I was fairly confident I could get in the right vicinity, because I knew there was only one Steak and Shake on Glenstone. I secretly wished she had just started with Steak and Shake and skipped the dry cleaning and cashew chicken.
"Okay, which way do I turn when I get to the dry cleaning store?", I asked.
"Left", she replied. (NOTE: Down=South thus Left=East. She never uses compass coordinates when giving directions!)
"Okay, how far East do I go? And is the store on the North or South side of the road?", I asked.
"Oh, just go until you see that convenience store and turn right", she replied.
"Right…so you mean turn South, correct?", I asked.
"Ummm, sure", she replied.
"So, this convenience store that I'm supposed turn right by…what's the name of it?", I asked. I knew from experience that there are at least two convenience stores per block.
"It has a yellow sign", she replied. "And I think it might have a red roof", she added.
"A yellow sign and red roof?", I asked.
"Yep, it's across from street from that place that has big wire fence around it", she replied.
"I don't suppose you have a street name and address?", I asked.
"Nope, but I think the name of the street begins with "S". Just turn right by the convenience store with a yellow sign across the street from that place with a big wire fence and then it's just down the street on the right in that little strip mall. It's next to that tattoo place that sells exotic fish with purple neon lights in the front window".
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I decided to take her with me. I secretly believe it's a ploy by women to insure they always get to go...
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Q Why are spiders considered to be the most trendy of all insects?
A Duh, they have their own websites!!!
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A Sheriff ambles in to the local saloon & says. 'I'm lookin' for the Brown Paper Bandit'. The saloon owner asks 'What does he look like?' 'He's got a brown paper hat, brown paper boots, brown paper clothes & a brown paper horse' The Saloon Owner asks 'What's he wanted for? The Sherrif replies 'Rustlin'.
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Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Parent: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
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Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Rodney Lee about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Rodney Lee said, "Ummmm…actually, we went to Ohio."
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Little Johnny tries political correctness:
Little Johnny came home from school and told his parents he had gone on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building that day. His parents didn't think much about it until they received a phone call later that evening from his teacher who was wanting to visit about Johnny getting sent to the principal's office again for misbehaving in class.

Friday Levity 04.18.2008

2008-04-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

As most of you know I have two daughters. The oldest is through college, employed and married. The other is in college, unemployed (most of the time) and not married (she better not EVEN be thinking about marriage yet! I can't afford it and neither can she!). Thus, both gals are away from home most of the time except when they come home for a day or two on the weekend to spend quality time with me and Mrs. T. Secretly, I suspect they are actually home for the free food and laundry service, but I don't question why as long as they show up once in a while. They do call during the week at various times (no scheduled times of course!). It's nice to hear from them when they finally think of their parents and decide to call us. But they ALMOST NEVER call me unless they have exhausted all other contacts. They ALWAYS try Mrs. T's cell phone first. And if they are forced to call the house phone, and if I answer, I suspect they're behind the "hang up" calls I get. And at times, I have suspected them of disguising their voices and acting like a telemarketer, knowing that I'll hang up on them immediately. It seems they would rather talk with Mrs. T about clothes they don't have but want to buy, department store sales that are happening (or about to happen), the intelligence (or lack thereof) of the male species. And they giggle and laugh about things I don't even want to know about. Even though I'm not involved in the conversations, it is very easy to tell that their conversations contain TMI (Too Much Information) especially with regard to female complications, female products and female biology. On those very rare occasions when they do actually talk to me, I want to know if their cars are making any strange noises, have they checked the oil in their car, have they changed the oil recently, are the tires property inflated, do the tires need rotated, have they washed the salt off the car (in the winter), do they have an ice scraper (in the winter) and is the insurance card in the glove box. And if motor oil or beef jerky are on sale, I let them know where. I suppose I'm just too practical for the female mind…
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Actual answers from students on music tests:

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
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Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything they say happens at home."
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6th Grader History Notes:
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
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Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
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I'm a high-school geometry teacher, and I started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles."

I noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why.

"Well," he replied sincerely, "I'm waiting until you start speaking English
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Student course reviews at semester end
= The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam.
= The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.
= I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree.
= Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose-spraying in all directions-no way to stop it.
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A college student wrote a letter home:

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask you for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,
Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came."

Friday Levity 04.11.2008

2008-04-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

An American cultural icon is on the verge of becoming extinct. The ice CUBE. Before you dismiss me entirely, give me a chance. You know why it's called an ice cube? Because of its shape! It's supposed to be in a CUBE shape! CUBES are a great shape for ice! What's happened to good old fashioned ice cubes? Ice makers in refrigerators! I despise them. These makers don't make ice cubes!!! They make annoying "ice half-circles"!!! Seldom do I ever fail to drop at least one on the floor while trying to get a heaping handful of them in my glass. It's a stupid design and difficult to hang on to. A piece of ice in a half circle shape is not natural. And I hate it when they create a log jam when they conform to the round shape of my glass, requiring me to stick my finger in the glass to rearrange them, or continually shake the glass in an attempt to rearrange the ice. And, invariably this log jam causes me to spill my drink on me while attempting to take a drink. Mrs. T says my inability to grasp these half-circles of evil, nor my inability to drink without drooling, has NOTHING to do with the shape of the ice, but rather, it has EVERYTHING thing to do with my genes. On numerous occasions, she has tried unsuccessfully to throw away my old blue Wal-Mart ice CUBE trays...I always find them and dig them out of the trash (there are benefits to be responsible for taking the trash out to the curb each week!). We need those blue ice trays…there is NO way I'm going to play a part in the demise of this piece of Americana. And without those trays, Kool-Aid cube pops would be the next piece of Americana to go. And besides, Kool-Aid poured in an ice maker doesn't work well…I can't believe Mrs. T got so upset…I thought the colored ice we had for weeks was kind of pretty...
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I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin. Three hours later they were still walking around with it. I thought to myself: "Those idiots have lost the plot."
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"Being rich may not make you happy, but at least you can buy your own brand of misery."
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My neighbor works in the I.T. department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a bloke in one of the branches who had this question:

'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire in the main frame?'
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
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The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
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The new priest tries this.
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The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
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The new priest says those things, trying them out.
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The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'Oh wow, no way! What happened next?'

Friday Levity 04.04.2008

2008-04-04T06:45:00.000-07:00

Yogi Berra, famous baseball player and coach for the New York Yankees is well known for his utterances, often referred to as "Yogi-isms" (http://www.yogiberra.com/yogi-isms.html). "I really didn't say everything I said” is probably one of his most famous. Last evening, I heard a Yogi-ism from my future daughter-in-law who was visiting out at the house (I presumed she was getting away from the dorm food and studying). She was talking about how tired she was and how she needed to get some sleep and somewhere in the conversation she said "I just can't sleep without an alarm clock to look at". I told her it was freaky for a person to sleep with their eyes open. She didn't appreciate my wit. I got the customary look of disdain (she learned it from Mrs. T).
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This incident caused me to recall a Yogi-ism that happened in one of my previous lives. A group of my co-workers were working an all-nighter trying to meet deadlines and one guy came to the war room about 2am in the morning and stated that he had fixed a major bug. When asked what the bug was, he stated "I wasn't deleting a file that didn't exist". We sent him home to get some sleep.
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Before you start feeling sorry for my future daughter-in-law….don't. Last night, she wandered into the kitchen and saw me eating dill pickles. She looked at me quizzically. I stated, "I attribute my wit and intelligence to eating dill pickles every day". She looked at her fiancé (my son) and said, "Remind me not to eat dill pickles ever again".
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And if you're continuing to feel sorry for Mrs. T…don't. While I was preparing to leave for work this morning, I picked up my cell phone from the kitchen counter and its audible prompt (i.e. the female robot voice) loudly exclaimed, "Your battery is critically low!". Mrs. T was passing by at the time and as she continued down the hallway and without stopping or looking back, she nonchalantly stated, “It seems we've found yet another person who is in agreement with me. I've been saying that about you for a long time"…
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THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
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The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
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The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
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Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
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The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
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In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
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The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
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Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
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GENERATION GAP
Some college students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles: 'Shovel Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"
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HINT: For you youngsters who don't have a clue as to what that joke is about, the name of the two songs should have been "Shuffle Off To Buffalo" and "Honeysuckle Rose".
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April Fool - My First Entry

2008-04-01T07:26:00.001-07:00

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These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. And, say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new member s and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaignslogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
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Quote:
"I long to accomplish great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker." -- Helen Keller